Trying to understand the mentality of parents who are really strict and controlling with young children then totally check out when they are teens

[Amonyme]

Name changed in case it's a bit identifiable.

Anyway, I was just pondering that I have seen the same sort of pattern of behaviour in both my children's dad and my step children's mum and it's such an alien approach to me that I am struggling to make sense of it.

I split with exH when our children were tiny (he was controlling/abusive) . DH split from his ex when his were a little older but still fairly young. We met a couple of years later (so they were all still infant school age or younger I think).

Anyway, in those pre-school /primary school age both my ex and his ex were very controlling with the children. They dictated what the children wore , policed what they ate (insisting on plates being finished etc), were very authoritarian essentially in their parenting styles. We made sure the children were healthy and clean and did home work but not in an authoritarian way and allowed them more of a voice in things, allowed them to choose their clothes each morning etc.

But now the older ones are in their teens it has swung the other way, DH and I still take a similar approach (I see the teenage years as a gradual letting go) but are still around for /spend time with the children at evenings and weekends. My ex in contrast just chooses to work abroad for most of the year and rarely contacts the children. DH ex spends most evenings and weekends with her boyfriend and never spends any time with the children, if she's not at her boyfriends she just stays in her room watching TV (to the point they have started choosing to come here even on her time). She works part time through choice so it's not like she doesn't have peace while they are at school

I just can't make sense of the huge swing from heavily controlling to totally checked out. I know my kids prefer their dad to be away tbh although they hurt a bit too, but my step kids just feel so disappointed in the lack of interest from their mum

I am not saying DH and I are perfect parents , far from it I am sure, but I don't get totally checking out of parenting when children reach their early teens. For starters I still really enjoy the company of our children, they are engaging children who are interested in the world and we have some great discussions at meal times and enjoy traveling etc together . I love watching them become more independent, but I see my job as still being someone they come home too

Sorry a long post but the huge change in the last year or so has rather sideswiped me

I think it leans into both abuse and control. It’s easier to control a little kid and force them to do what you want, and makes your life easier too as a parent. Then in time, it’s easier to let teens do whatever they want to save the arguments/hassle.

My parents were actually like this now as I’m reading your description.

Controlling, then checked out. When we were young we were just a reflection of them and when older they just were not particularly interested in us as people.

They have quite a few narcissistic traits. Not full blown narcissists but emotionally disconnected, very superior, focused on image, using their children to regulate their emotions, that sort of stuff.

I think it is just a lack of emotional maturity and it is pretty common.

Would you say there's anything we can do to support our children? Based on your experience I mean

Part of me wants to give the other parent(s) a shake but the reality is I know they won't listen just as they never listen it we tried to suggest being a little less controlling

I guess because that total control is the only parenting approach they have and once you have teenagers, unless you're going to threaten them with abusive levels of violence, which I would guess most teenagers know is illegal, it doesn't work any more.

Yes, I can see that and I guess it's one of the (many) reasons I went with a more collaborative approach from the off, getting my children to understand the reason behind any rules and not having excessive rules. My children do their homework (etc) because they want to, not because they are afraid.

But I still don't get the checking out. They're good kids, interesting and fun to spend time with.

I’ve seen this in family members and to be honest I’m not overly surprised as these parents seem to check out when their children talk back and find their own voice. They don’t know how to handle it and they don’t have the relationship with the child to navigate it

Yes I guess that is, the children aren't remotely bad teenagers, in fact they are far more lovely than I was at the same age but they have put their foot down about some areas where their other parents were very controlling and then the response seems to have been totally check out of having any relationship with them.

DSD mum didnt even come to see DSD when she was rushed to a&e, she just rang her saying "I'm already on my way to have dinner with my boyfriend" .

And my ex just cancels coming back to the country when he has leave and tells the children with only a few days notice. Or comes back but just offers to see them for a few hours.

I have noticed this but not in such extreme circumstances- more parents who were strict (rather than controlling/abusive) being stupidly lax when it's teenagers ie allowing drinking/staying off school/screen time . I think it's a combination of exhaustion/had enough and not knowing how to parent in the new world where you have to forge a relationship with someone as a near peer and thinking by "being their friend" and letting them do what they want, it's an easier life. I think some people have just lost interest by then too, I guess not everyone is cut out for long haul relationships

I would guess that it's the same in reverse - why have you always spent time talking and collaborating with them? Well because you have the core belief: They're good kids, interesting and fun to spend time with. And perhaps because you invested time and patience into that relationship when they were younger, it's paid off and they are happy to tell you things and listen to (some of!) your advice now they are older. Whereas the more controlling parents who didn't build that trust and mutual respect in the same way don't have that.

A bit simplistic perhaps but it's the way I see it.

I don't know if you read that book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk" but the philosophy you describe is basically the exact premise of that book - be nice to your kids, listen to them, reason with them and explain things and they'll likely return the favour. And it does work, it's not magic of course but it does really help build that positive relationship and connection.

My mum was like this.

I think basically as some PP have also said - she enjoyed controlling me completely as a young child and saw me as an extension of herself. Once that wasn't the case anymore she didn't want much to do with me because she doesn't really have any interest in me as a person

I think it can be about not wanting to actually spend time with kids or have them intrude on your life too much. When they are young it's easiest to do that by being very strict so they are "seen and not heard" (and easy to palm off on other people as they are "well behaved"). When they are teens they can be left alone more, so it's easiest to do just that. Checked out parenting either way.

My parents were very laissez faire after my siblings and I were about 11 years old having been 100 per cent involved when we were little. They did love us and were good parents generally, but the difference between when we were little and when we were teens was really very stark. They were both sent to boarding school and I wonder whether it’s something to do with that - they just assumed we would be independent as soon as it was practicable and had no idea that other parents were far more involved with their teenagers.

It's interesting hearing the different experiences and I am sorry others have experienced of what I am talking about.

I definitely think with their dad theres an element of anyone who won't do exactly what he says he would rather just cut out. And also that he is not driven to put anyone but himself first. My children still wish he could be in their lives though, imperfect as he is. He does have things he does with them that I can't and I feel sad they miss out on that.

I find it harder with DSC mum I guess because I am a mum and I find her checking out so counter intuitive. My mum would still visit me now if I was rushed to hospital and I am old and wrinkly (to quote DD ). There's definitely an element that the only way she knew to parent was to be authoritarian. She used to tell me off for playing with the children when they were younger because "then they complain I don't play with them". She claimed she didn't have time to but she only ever worked very part time. So I get that maybe being playful wasn't her thing.

But I don't get the switch from so authoritarian her children weren't allowed to jump in puddles or have any sweets to so laissez faire she leaves DSD (16) to live of takeaway in the house on her own for a week while DSS is at camp so she can spend the whole week with her boyfriend. And so uninterested DSS (14) spent 16 hours on his phone each day for the half of half term he was with her. Why spend all that time being strict just to swing so wildly the other way?!

I guess it's a whole mix of factors and maybe yes being authoritarian is probably quite exhausting and you just run out of steam.

My advice is that often young children think that their parents failings are their own as a type of survival mechanism, I would do everything you can to counter that and keep reminding them that their other parent’s flaws are their own and are nothing to do with the child’s value. It can take years further that to sink in and I think the sooner a child can start to process that the better. It is so sad the impact that these types of bad parents have on their children, by default neglect which this is, is a form of abuse.

Sorry @Amonyme I was trying to quote you not myself there.

It's really hard seeing the kind of seeping harm it does to the children. We can keep supplying love and attention etc but it doesn't fully mitigate the harm caused by the extreme controlling which suddenly swings to sort of acting like they don't exist.

I don’t know OP, but it’s an interesting reflection. I agree with spending time, being available where possible, plus the gradual increasing independence yet respect for boundaries.

You can also have parenting that is very controlling even later but emotionally checked out, which is possibly a worse combination.