Situation at school

[Wotchaharry]

I'm not sure really where to start with this one.

My child has been mostly out of school since December, year 3 he is 8 years old. The main reason why he's been absent is another boy bullying him. He's awaiting autism/ADHD assessment. I'm also adhd/autistic.

When we spoke to the school about a phased return, the head involved the attendance officer for the academy group and arranged a meeting, which we had assumed would be collaborative and with the child in mind. We came with loads of suggestions, lots of info from our son about what might help and really open minded ready to find a solution that works for everyone.

Up until that point we feel we had had a good relationship with the school and that we were all communicating. Not perfectly, but everything was pleasant and calm. However, this woman came into it last week as some kind of mediator and she came into the first meeting as if she was looking for an argument with us - she was talking over us, interrupting, sneery, questioning everything we said, doubting about my child saying he didn't feel safe in school and trying to persuade me to use a different word other than safe, kept asking me the same questions over and over again. I felt like i was being cross examined in court.

There was a marked difference in how she spoke to the head and how she spoke to us. I felt forced to disclose my own disability in order to get her to back off, which she did after that, she was much less aggressive and after that point we finally got a plan together for my son.

My son has done really well over the last week so we thought we were going into the review meeting today with a positive mindset and ready to build on the success that he had already had. She was worse if anything today. She was straight on the attack. During the initial conversation I told her that I was off sick from work with my mental health. She asked if the meeting last week had contributed to that so i said yes, because I felt like she was unnecessarily combative (she asked so i told her). I felt that it wasn't right that I should have been forced to disclose my disability to explain why i was struggling and in order for her to back off and listen to what I was saying.

Then she said that me disclosing my disability didn't even register with her, she has no idea i am autistic/adhd, it wasn't relevant, and she suggested there was a link between me being disabled and my child refusing to attend school. I had to walk out and let my husband complete the meeting. So she's driven me out of a meeting about my child because otherwise i was going to have a mental breakdown. Other than her, we have been so engaged with the school, i want my son back in school and we have been making great progress but this woman's approach is so upsetting and wrong. I have no idea what she hopes to gain from it.

My question is, do we actually have to have this woman involved? She's not school staff working directly with my child, she's not social services etc. I don't care if school want to use her to support from their end but i don't want to be in another meeting with her. Chat gpt said the way she behaved could be direct and indirect discrimination and while i still want to work with the school i don't want anything more to do with this woman.

What should i do?

What was the outcome of the meeting? I’m assuming your DH was there until it ended, so we’re next steps discussed and an acknowledgement of the progress already made.

If he’s doing really well, that should augur well for the future and for further meetings. Perhaps you could suggest that in future, meetings are less formal and between you , his teacher and a member of SLT perhaps.

Thanks for replying.

Yes they've arranged a plan which builds on top of the progress ds has already made.

Honestly if you didn’t get the vibe from this woman that she is the right person to work with you and your son then voice your opinion. Just do it in a polite and fair way. You are allowed a say in this. I’ve had to be pretty blunt (but polite and fair) where I’ve felt the wrong person has been assigned the job of working with my son and me, but of course I’m not going to outright say ‘I think this person is crap at their job and shouldn’t be doing it’. You also shouldn’t have felt obliged to disclose your diagnoses’ to anyone that’s your business and no one else’s, sorry that happened to you.

Who is she and what is her role? No one should be in the meeting without your knowledge and consent. I also wonder why the school felt the need for support in what should be a fairly routine function for them.

Given the distress she’s causing it sounds counter productive to have her there and on those grounds I’d refuse consent for her to be there in future.

It sounds as if she is the LA attendance officer assigned to the school? Is that right?

Thank you so much.

Her job title is attendance consultant. I'm not sure why the school brought her in, she was introduced at the point we asked to try a phased return so we assumed we had triggered some kind of official process that needed her to be involved from their perspective.

She told me she worked for the academy group and her email address is for the academy group. We haven't had any involvement from the LA yet unless you count Early Help who have also recently got involved.

In that case I’d email whoever is involved in the meeting for the school and ask what her role is, the purpose of her joining the meetings with you (if she’s there as a support to the school she can do that behind the scenes as it were).

My absolute guess is that she sells her services to the school promising to improve their attendance stats, and she needs to get your son into school to prove her worth, irrespective of whether it meets his needs. Bullying parents will come with the territory. If she doesn’t have a statutory role I’d refuse to meet with her again.

Thank you that's incredibly helpful.

My son is told me 2 boys in reception class hit him and said they didn't like him, when I disclosed this to the teacher she blamed my son, then when I said I would see the parents to talk about it, she got upset and told the head teacher who made a meeting at school and pointed the finger at my son never let me voice my concern about the two boys and then said I have to protect my staff after I said I am fighting my Sons corner she said to me when you drop your son at school he becomes my child? I found this comment odd.