So stressed about returning to work

[candelabrasatmidnight]

Going back to work soon after maternity leave. I have a school aged child and my little one will be going to nursery.

I'm unbelievably stressed about what life is going to look like. We are in a reasonably financially privileged position as my husband is a high earner and with that comes a not insignificant portion of time away during the week and late nights working. When he's around he kicks in with the children but the domestic labour of the house falls to me - laundry, meal planning, cooking, tidying/cleaning (although we do have a cleaner once a fortnight), general mental labour and organisation, and due to him being away I'll also have to do school/nursery drop offs and pick ups too.

I am literally losing sleep about it. I don't know how I can do all of that and work. My husband can't just 'do less' at work as this is the career he's qualified in, doing very well and loves.

Women used to do all of the above as their full time job; now many of us have to do it all while also working in order to pay our mortgage. We live in an expensive part of the country due to necessity (family responsibilities and work) so moving and downsizing our mortgage isn't an option.

How can I stop myself having a breakdown? Honestly wish I could just be a SAHM at this point or massively reduce hours but it isn't financially viable. I don't want to put pressure on my husband to be the sole provider but equally I feel like I'm the sole nurturer at this point. It feels so unfair.

I don’t think you can have it both ways; either he does less hours and is around more or you buy in help or give up work. If he’s a high earner, it sounds like you need to reduce outgoings to be able to do this? Have you overstretched on your living costs for example?

What can you afford to outsource?
food shop online - meal plan and batch cook
lower standards - clean and fed is fine
It’s a very challenging time
have you actually spoken to your DH?
I have been in your shoes BTW

You say your husband is a high earner but you can’t reduce your hours? How many hours will you be returning on?

I was having a conversation about this with my husband earlier. I am the high earner in our relationship (3x his salary) but we still do pretty much 50:50. I still do pick ups and drop offs, I still take time off work when they're sick, we share the chores. This isn't because he's lazy or unwilling. I don't see my earning potential as a get out of life responsibilities. If I have a particularly busy time / travel he inevitably does more but for the most part, we're equals.

Anyway, to your question, I would push back on your husband. Unless as a couple you agree that staying home is beneficial, I strongly believe that there should be balance. The world will not end if he leaves to pick up his children or gets to the office later. It's not fair for you to shoulder the burden of life with two children alone whilst your partner focuses on his job. At the very least, find a balance where he supports more whilst you adjust to being back at work and once you find your rhythm it might be more manageable.

And in terms of practical help some options...

Get a cleaner. It's worth your sanity even if it's a once a month blitz of your bathrooms / kitchen.

Is there a neighbour / student who can help you after school. I have a 17 year old neighbour who helps after school on a day I or my husband WFH. Trying to find after school nanny's is impossible where we are,

Sit down together at the beginning of every week and agree who is picking up / dropping off which child on which day. It's tedious but it helps me not feel overwhelmed by the week ahead,

If you can, phase your return to work so you can adjust a little slower to working life.

Both agree to do 30 minutes of "life/house stuff" a day - granted this is only possible if you have an equal partner but it makes every day a bit easier and avoids one person feeling resentful for doing it all.

It's a really, really hard time of life. I've found embracing it and accepting it has made a little easier for me (I have a 3 year old and 1 year old) and we both work full time.

What about changing how you do things, could you get a nanny instead of using nursery then they would be able to do the pick ups/ drop offs and cook for the children too so that is taken care of for you. I know many families do it this way instead and find it a lot less stressful

As a single mum (widowed) I just had to work full time and get on with the mortgage and housework on top.

It's not that hard as long as you're organised and don't try and do to much in the way of weekend/evening activities on top of it all. As long as everyone's happy, fed and clean - the kids will start looking after themselves a lot more when they hit 9/10 years old so you've only got a few years of it.

It's shoulder to the grindstone time.
Doesn't last forever - 5 years tops.