Hello all. I’m concerned about a female relative and need to know what to advise her.
She’s 45 years old and mother to two children, one son has autism and a learning disability and one is neurotypical.
She is not married to the father, but they cohabit in a house that they own through a joint mortgage. The children are in YR and Y1 and they bought the house before either child was born.
My relative works, she has a stable job and earns around 30k part time with potential to earn a bit more if she takes more hours. Partner cannot drive and does not work, or rather he’s in and out of work, so my relative pays the mortgage, all bills and pretty much everything else. He contributes towards food and the clothes for the children. He is unwilling to learn to drive.
He abuses alcohol and as it turns out, abuses her. She thinks his drinking is one of the reasons he doesn’t learn to drive. The abuse is emotional as far as I can tell, and there’s nothing untoward around the children. In the past she has mentioned physical fights between them, and also him wanting sex and not taking ‘no’ for an answer. This is not going on currently, but he remains emotionally abusive.
Her previous partner was also an alcoholic and violent, they had no children.
Because she is the breadwinner, he takes care of the children after school, however he doesn’t do so willingly and complains if she is late home by ten minutes even. He criticised her appearance, her cooking - and accuses her of looking at other men, which is not true. He behaved the same way towards his previous partner.
The autistic son really does have a high level of need, so it’s hard to keep him safe and look after both boys at the same time. It’s not uncommon for her to return home from a long day at work and find she has to bath the children/put them to bed - then come downstairs and find he’s gone to the pub without telling her and returns home really drunk later on.
My relative really despises this man but feels trapped into staying in this relationship because she needs help with the children. I should mention that I don’t live locally, her dad is deceased and her mum lives abroad. She doesn’t have any support from other family members, and from what I can tell, no supportive female friends as she spends her time at work or juggling the boys.
I FaceTimed her over the weekend and she looks utterly exhausted and miserable. She told me that she just keeps waiting for the children to grow up and become more independent, but the child with a learning disability is very unlikely to ever become independent enough to be left home alone after school, or in the care of a similarly- aged sibling.
The house is worth £400k and has some equity in it (about £170k) - she could buy a similarly sized semi detached for £280k if she could use the equity and get a mortgage in her own name. Her age is against her to some degree, as she’s 45 already, however she also assumes that she would have to give him half of the equity in the house.
I don’t know where to begin in how to advise her to proceed. Her mortgage is due to be renewed next year, prior to which she would have to pay an early payment penalty if she sold up. She has some credit card debt that she’s trying hard clear and her credit rating is fairly poor.
I’ve advised her to improve her credit rating my continuing to clear the debts in the next 12 months and to think carefully about entering into another mortgage with this man.
She does need help with the children after school until 8pm (three days a week) although she could work weekends if he had the children at that time. He could not afford to rent and it’s unclear where he would live or whether anywhere he did live would be suitable for the boys to visit or sleep. She is clear that she would not want him in her house if they separated. He is living off her, basically.
She has no professional help in terms of a social worker or anything like that. She does claim DLA for the son with autism. I presume she does also claim any working tax credits she’s owed.
The main sticking points are the debt, the ability to get a mortgage on her own, her unwillingness to rent - but mainly need for help with the children. I have wondered about an after school nanny to look after the children, I’ve wondered about respite care, women’s refuges (which she would not go to
as she is tolerating the situation) and other benefits or help she might be entitled to as a single parent.
She wants to work, she doesn’t want to be reliant on benefits - she has a strong work ethic and is a great mum, her desire to be a mum is why she had a baby with a bloke who is an abusive arse in the first place.
My concern is that she will never be able to get out of this situation because one of the children will always need care and she will always need to work to fund the family. I’m not sure she realises the extent of care her son will need (non verbal, still in nappies and severe learning disability) - she often talks about him getting a good job when he is older.
She first reported her unhappiness to me two years ago, and I advised her then to get out of the relationship and not to renew the mortgage, as the deal was about to end. She of course stuck to the status quo because she couldn’t see a way out.
I don’t know if there IS a way out, realistically - but thought your collective wisdom might come in handy!
thank you for reading