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How to raise concerns with school w/o my child knowing?

3 replies

windowvac · 10/03/2025 10:52

Over the past few months DC (yr 8) has been experiencing friendship issues that I've wanted to raise with the school for quite some time. We've held back out of worry that if we speak to the school, any repercussions taken off the back of that will point back to my DC causing even further issues amongst friends.

Previous issues were my child being picked on, name calling, etc by a couple of the children in their 'friend' group. I've held off on raising the issues because DC is insistent that it doesn't bother them (it obviously does) and they don't want me raising the issues to result in them being entirely alienated by their group of friends. DH and I are doing our best to steer DC away from the group of so called friends and towards another group, but this has been difficult.

The final straw came recently when DC came home quite upset and told us of a very inappropriate conversation that was randomly instigated by another child in their year between DC and some of DC's friends. The child carrying out the conversation was of the opposite sex and is not friends with my DC and the others present. My DC and DC's friends felt very awkward afterwards.

I raised this conversation with the school, also expressing concern that I did not want the fact that I'd brought it up with the school to be traced back to my child as I'm worried they may been seen as a tattle or wimp. Our call was slightly rushed as both the school and I had to go, but as we were ending our conversation the teacher said they would speak to my DC discreetly about it.

While I understand that they need to get the full story and not base judgement / repercussions on the child that initiated the conversation, I'm worried that my DC will only see this as me breaking their trust and going behind their back to discuss it with the school. I don't want them to avoid telling me about future issues / concerns they may have at school or in their life because they're worried that I've now broken their trust.

What's a parent supposed to do in this case? Am I worrying too much? How can I raise concerns if DC feels betrayed by me. I feel awful that DC is upset I've spoken with the school, but I need to look out for their wellbeing.

OP posts:
MarioJumbo · 10/03/2025 11:18

I dunno tbh but it’s difficult

maybe make this like last time you phone the school?

I get that it’s difficult though

Oblomov25 · 10/03/2025 14:07

I would tell dc that I had to phone school because I was duty bound. It's important they know, then there is no surprise, no trust issue.

But that's because somewhat minor issues needed to be addressed, and I trust my school, the Hoy for ds1 now finished school and ds2 doing GCSE's, because they've always handled things sympathetically, and diplomatically, eg subtly taking the child out, and then talking to the whole year in assembly about how to treat people, or taking a group of boys and telling them to tone it down, so none of the boys would ever know which parent had rung school.

AmusedGoose · 10/03/2025 14:38

Schools are used to dealing with these issues and my DS had a similar problem that the school dealt with very sympathetically.

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