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Original poster

Awkward situation just happened

30 replies

Isitme1x · 08/03/2025 20:05

I feel really sad and embarrassed?

Since Ds2 (1y1month) me and DH didn't have set. It's been a while. I breastfed DS2 for 8 months so had 0 libido anyway and we struggled so me and DH were a bit distant anyway

We had our first child free night since he was born and we've just tried to had sex. Prior to this he said he felt a bit awkward. I have too as it's been a while etc but we did foreplay and got into it then he said he wouldn't be able to c*m. I said is it me he was like no I don't know what but it must be me?

BTW no worries of him cheating he wfh fully then goes to the gym and shares his location with me on a finder app and then weekends with me and the kids so I'm not really paranoid over that?

But is he repulsed by me is it just because we've had a bad dry spell :( I don't know what to think I've come and had a bath so I can be sad alone

OP posts:
FrannyScraps · 08/03/2025 20:10

No, it's just the pressure you've both put on tonight. Build it up with mental foreplay during the day, intimacy through talking and romance each other. Sex without expectation of intercourse or orgasm should be your first aim. And don't wait until another child free night! Get back to it!

Original poster
Isitme1x · 08/03/2025 20:21

FrannyScraps · 08/03/2025 20:10

No, it's just the pressure you've both put on tonight. Build it up with mental foreplay during the day, intimacy through talking and romance each other. Sex without expectation of intercourse or orgasm should be your first aim. And don't wait until another child free night! Get back to it!

Yeah I think it was that feeling of ots been so long let's do it because he did get hard ? If it was a complete no he couldn't

I did say do you fancy other women/want to have sex with them and he said no and i believe him he had a kind of low libido pre kids anyway? Even when we first started dating it was always mine that was higher

And we've been up since 5 and out with the kids until we'd dropped them at grandparents so I know tiredness will play a factor too

Just trying to reassure myself. I do feel a bit sad

OP posts:
Caffeineneedednow · 08/03/2025 20:24

I think pp hit the nail on the head you just built it up too much.

DH has had the odd issue but it is not down to me and usually down to other stressor

I agree that mabey don't wait for a child free night build up cuddles and other forms of intimacy

Nanny1983 · 08/03/2025 20:26

Don’t take this personally with the questions otherwise youl feel rubbish and he will feel rubbish for making you question yourself when it’s no one’s fault it’s just circumstance .

You need to enjoy each other again . Take it slowly and take the actual ending off the menu for a bit . Like making a cup of tea , you need to turn the kettle on and let it boil first and it’s been standing for a while so it takes longer .

Take the pressure off for now but make the effort to connect again .

Cucy · 08/03/2025 20:28

It sounds like too much pressure.

Cuddle up in front of a movie with a glass of wine and be intimate in other ways.
The sex will come naturally eventually.

Cucy · 08/03/2025 20:29

Stop questioning him about other women. This would make me not want to have sex with someone.

He also needs to stop sharing his location, as that’s really not healthy.

Adhikv · 08/03/2025 20:33

I agree that it’s the pressure, maybe in the morning it might feel more relaxed?
Also nothing wrong with having each others location despite what previous person said

User0ne · 08/03/2025 20:36

It sounds like too much pressure.

Is there a reason you waited to be totally child free?

I ask because I/me and DH have 3dc and if we waited to be child free we'd never have got laid when they were little. The youngest is nearly 4 now and it's easier but our child free time is very limited.

Maybe try to build up the intimacy in day to day life and keep the pressure off when you do have opportunity.

Original poster
Isitme1x · 08/03/2025 20:43

Thanks for the tips sorry I just suffer with low confidence so I got inside my own mind worrying my.marriage is over when realistically it's just a rough patch

  1. regarding location - he doesn't share it each time he leaves were on an app together have been for years it's never got in the way or been weird
  2. regarding waiting for a child free night- our youngest co sleeps with us which we are working in transitioning to a cot , we have a cat and downstairs is open plan so the couch is out and of course the bedroom is out
OP posts:
comedycentral · 08/03/2025 20:50

It has to be more than just the act to get you both feeling in the mood again and comfortable I reckon. Theoretically take the expectation of sex of the table, have a massage night, home spa treatments and massage, get used to touch again. Have some showers together or baths. Just ways to get used to that intimacy again.

AquaPeer · 08/03/2025 20:53

Oh OP, you poor things. It’s really normal and it’s ok. Next time it’ll be easier. Please don’t worry too much about your relationship and cheating etc. this is totally normal.

AubernFable · 08/03/2025 20:59

Cucy · 08/03/2025 20:29

Stop questioning him about other women. This would make me not want to have sex with someone.

He also needs to stop sharing his location, as that’s really not healthy.

Disagree about sharing location, as long as you don’t have issues with lack of trust, in which case bin them. Me and DH have used them as long as they’ve been a thing, it’s practical and safe. He often checks it if im coming home and will have a cup of tea ready for me or I’ll check and see where to meet him without having to text and ask. It’s never caused a problem because we are open with each other and not using it to spy.

I actually got stranded once (walked way too far with the dog in a random direction, phone died) he came to look for me based on my last location. It’s so useful.

Original poster
Isitme1x · 08/03/2025 21:08

Yeah and I'm part time I have our 2.5yo and 1yo on those NWD so when we go out he just checks we've got to where we're going okay etc

I just mentioned this before someone commented IS HE LYING ABOUT THE GYM AND ACTUALLY CHEATING
Lol

OP posts:
Endofyear · 08/03/2025 21:23

Ah please don't worry OP, these things happen! It's just overthinking it because it's been a while and you're both feeling the pressure to 'do it' in your window of opportunity.

Take the pressure off yourselves and find ways to be intimate - it doesn't have to lead to sex. Kissing, cuddling, having a bath or shower together, massage etc can all bring you closer together as a couple. Cuddle up on the sofa & watch a romantic movie, have a few glasses of wine and a kiss and a cuddle. Things will soon get more intimate again 🥰

LBFseBrom · 08/03/2025 21:31

No, he was just nervous, lacking confidence because it's been a while. Also you built up to this, better if it just happened naturally. He doesn't have to orgasm, neither do you, there should be no pressure about that, there are many ways of enjoying physical intaimacy.

You'll get there.

UnemployedNotRetired · 08/03/2025 21:49

If he hasn't had sex for a while, but has come in other ways, then just the change of sensations will make it more difficult. But that will return to normal over time.

Weefox · 08/03/2025 21:57

Probably too much pressure. But guys sometimes feel queasy after their partner has given birth, particularly if he was present.. Give it time and should be ok.

anon4net · 08/03/2025 22:05

You probably need to connect as partners, not parents so you are both comfortable and not anxious.

Try as best you can to find non sex ways of intimacy. Massage, snuggling, kissing, holding hands. It's so hard with young dc but even having a candle light bath or supper/dinner [not hyacinth bucket style!] helps.

It takes time but work on all you can to connect. It can and will get better.

Icantthinkofausernamerightnow · 08/03/2025 22:20

I agree with everyone else it’s the pressure . A child free night , so it’s like you have to have sex and then it’s became like it’s scheduled .

Don’t wait for a child free night , don’t have it become that you only have sex on child free nights because then it becomes a pressure and you can’t just enjoy that time together and see what happens.

Be intimate in other ways , be affectionate with each other without it meaning sex and then it will come naturally x

Doggymummar · 08/03/2025 22:24

Did he make sure you had an orgasm?

Tangfastic71 · 08/03/2025 23:04

If it’s been so long since you had sex, could he have been using porn to masturbate? It’s well known for causing delayed ejaculation

LBFseBrom · 08/03/2025 23:11

I doubt very much the op was in the frame of mind for an orgasm.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 08/03/2025 23:16

Isitme1x · 08/03/2025 20:43

Thanks for the tips sorry I just suffer with low confidence so I got inside my own mind worrying my.marriage is over when realistically it's just a rough patch

  1. regarding location - he doesn't share it each time he leaves were on an app together have been for years it's never got in the way or been weird
  2. regarding waiting for a child free night- our youngest co sleeps with us which we are working in transitioning to a cot , we have a cat and downstairs is open plan so the couch is out and of course the bedroom is out
  1. If the cat being in the same room stopped me from having sex (solo or otherwise), I'd never have sex ever in my life. If the bugger decides to get involved, shoo him down.
  2. Foreplay is everything you do together since you last had sex. If you stop cuddling etc, sex won't happen.
  3. Perhaps he's withdrawn from you because he is worried that if he offers a cuddle, you will want more and he might not be able to deliver. Make it clear that "cuddle" just means "cuddle".
Northerngirl821 · 09/03/2025 00:01

It’s probably just the pressure but why does the cat stop you having sex?!

Booboobagins · 09/03/2025 00:05

It sounds like two youngsters have affected your intimacy with each other @Isitme1x As you know, intimacy is not just sex it's caring for each other, touching and holding each other.

I'd suggest you find a few minutes every day when you cuddle up together and maybe kiss. Nothing forced. To create intimacy. If sex happens, it happens. If the children are in bed its highly unlikely youll be disturbed by them, when they get older and can open doors, you might get disturbed but not now...

I think most parents get to the stage you're at and have no idea how. Have fun working through it x