Pregnant at 38 and irrational fear of profound disabilities

[namechangenelly1]

I feel horrible even saying this.

I'm pregnant with my first and a wave of absolute terror came over me last week that has sent me in to a spiral and I can't shake it off.

Being 38 carries a lot of risk for disabilities and I'm not sure if I could cope with a child, and subsequently an adult, who was profoundly affected by a disability. Particularly genetic disorders that make people violent, unable to toilet by themselves, unable to communicate or ever live without constant care. My age increases this possibility apparently, particularly with profound autism and learning disability.

Please don't think I'm in any way saying disabled people shouldn't exist, I'm just not sure how to get out of this thought process and see the rationale.

I'm not really sure what I want from this thread, but I needed to get it out.

My mum had my brother at 38. No problems whatsoever, in fact he's always been very high-achieving and is now an extremely successful adult.

I also know loads of people who had kids at 38+ and all are healthy.

I had my daughter at 38, and she is perfectly healthy. You can have pregnancy issues at any age, and you don't have to be old to have a disabled child. Have you discussed your anxiety with your doctor?

You need to speak to a midwife or health visitor, this level of worry and assurance seeking isn’t normal.

i was pregnant with my second baby at 39, never thought about what you’ve said once

@ShortColdandGrey I haven't discussed it with my gp yet, but I will be doing.

Age does make the risk slightly higher unfortunately, but I know it's still a low risk in the grand scheme, that's what is making my thoughts so irrational.

@Unicornsandprincesses I will try and see my GP next week. Thanks for the message

I had my first and only child at 38 and never thought anything of it. The midwife told me it wasn't considered old anymore as so many women have babies into their 40s now.

You should talk through your anxiety with the midwife. Hopefully she can put your mind at rest.

Please don’t worry, I’d only consider someone 44+ at conception on the older side.

I had my son at 37. I was actually told at 32 weeks he would be born severely brain damaged. He wasn't. He's a happy healthy 20 month old.

Yeah irrational and it’s good to recognise this.

Things can happen no matter what your age. We can all
produce a list of people we know of mums in their late 30”s early 40”a who went on to have healthy babies. And another list of profound disabilities of mums in their 20’s and early 30’s.

Genetics are what they are and don’t change with age.

Being pregnant is an uncertain time and can have worries but take a breath and try to put some rationality back into your thinking.

@Faz469 oh gosh! That's must have been so frightening for you. Glad to hear the information you got whilst pregnant was wrong.

I'd just consider the fact that it can happen at any time, not just during pregnancy but in either case, it is unlikely.

My son was perfectly healthy until he got cancer and complications meant he now needs full time care, including being unable to toilet independently. I'm just grateful that he's alive because he very nearly wasn't.

All that to say, you have no idea how you would truly cope but it is incredibly unlikely that you will have to find out.

It’s really not much of an increased risk at 38. I had both my dc in my forties and didn’t worry too much about it. Any pregnancy at all carries the risk that your child can have a disability - a genetic issue or damage from birth complications. That is one of the risks you take when having a baby, and can happen whatever age you are. Thankfully these things are rare though, you have every chance of having a healthy baby OP.

Hi, I had a baby in 2023 when I was about to turn 39. I had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth to a perfect baby girl.
There are risks when you’re an older mum but try not to let it become too intrusive or you’ll miss out on a beautiful experience.
Sending love and positive vibes your way!

I had the same as a FTM-to-be, aged 42. It's easier to say given that my son doesn't have any identified health conditions, but I do look back with a little sadness for myself that I couldn't embrace the excitement of pregnancy. You don't get those moments back. And worrying won't make it more likely that your child is healthy (in fact stress is more likely to have an adverse impact). So do what you can to actively manage your mood- light-moderate exercise. Eat well, laugh plenty. Cuddle often, meditate, do pregnancy yoga, swim, nest, enjoy time with your friends and family and partner doing things you won't be able to do when the baby is here. Breathe.

Thank you everyone. I was half expecting to have had a new bum hole torn on this topic, thank you for trying to put my mind at ease.

You might want to consider getting the NIPT. If you pay privately it’s around £400 but the peace of mind is really worth it (particularly as the NHS screening may put you at higher risk as they take age into account whereas NIPT doesn’t it’s based solely on your baby’s DNA). If you’ve already done the NIPT you don’t need to do the NHS one. You can also do it earlier which means that if there are issues you have time to decide what to do - if NHS one comes back higher risk then they’ll often send you for NIPT and then maybe amniocentesis which all takes time, I preferred knowing sooner than later.

All likelihood is that you will have a healthy baby OP. Pregnancy is an anxious time generally, take care.

I had my first DC at 37 and my second DC at 40. As an older mum, I decided to get an amnio for both to check for abnormalities. All was well, thank goodness.

i had my DD at 38. She's a teenager know. My friend had twins at 50 (donor) they are teenagers too now. All healthy. 38 isn't that old. try to enjoy your pregnancy

The risk for trisomies and cerebral palsy is still under 1%, it's really not worth stressing so much over.

I have 2 kids, had my first at 36 and my second at 40. Both are fine.
Yes these things increase with age however they can also happen regardless of how old you are when you get pregnant.
You have blood screening to detect for certain conditions like Edwards & Downs.
A 100% healthy baby is never guaranteed, we just take our chances.
You are over worrying about it, but I understand why you are worrying.

I have a profoundly disabled DD and no judgement here. It is incredibly hard. Her disability is the result of a birth injury and unconnected to age, I was in my 20s.

Your chances may increase significantly with age but the overall risk remains low in absolute terms. Wishing you all the best.

DD’s prep school was full of older mothers who chose to have kids late to focus on their careers or had to go down the IVF route - I was far from the odd one out after having her at 37! Some were even in their 40s. All perfectly normal, happy & healthy kids.

I had my profoundly disabled child at age 25 and my completely healthy child when I was much older in my thirties so I really wouldn’t worry about your age. If all your tests and scans have been normal try and relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP ❤️

We all have thoughts like this but I promise you that you have got this.

It was definitely terrifying. Have you reached out to the perinatal mental health team for help with your anxiety?