Is this an Autism/ADHD thing?

[Mojji]

Had 2 kids diagnosed with Autism and one with ADHD.
I've been on a waiting list for 2 years to have an ADHD assessment and having been through 2 Autism assessments with kids I'm confident I would be diagnosed.

I was wondering if this negative trait of mine is related?

If I plan on doing something and it's changed I get SO upset. Unreasonably and completely out of proportion.

For example, one of the animals was unwell last night and stained the carpet in several places.

I had a vet appointment this morning and then planned to use the carpet cleaner on the whole room and treat it with an enzyme cleaner.

I got home and got changed into my cleaning stuff and DH asked why I'd changed and I explained my plan.

I then asked him to help me find the carpet cleaner as it had been put somewhere and I didn't know where it was. He frequents the places it would be more often, the garage, the loft etc...

So 15 mins later I go upstairs and he is cleaning the carpet.

And I feel so upset. To the point I want to cry. I get upset and just retreat into myself. I get in bed and just shut down

I know my behaviour is wrong and he was only trying to save me from a disgusting job

But I feel like my whole plan was taken away from me and my whole day had been thrown off because the first thing on my list has been done and he didn't do it right because he didn't use the enzyme cleaner.

Am I just insane? :(

I feel so stupid for feeling this way but it's a genuine, deep reaction when things change.

Yes definitely autism things.

It physically hurts my chest and I feel devastated. It sounds ridiculous but my reaction is that strong.

Definitely an adhd / autism thing.

For me tends to be worse when I'm already stressed. Definitely see this in my kids too.

You can learn some techniques to deal with it. Like breathing. Talking. Journaling.

Even just acknowledging it is happening can be helpful. And talking about it with your kids to normalise it can also help them understand themselves.

The feelings
Your response
How you deal with it.

Be kind to yourself.

He got upset with me because I got into bed and just couldn't think straight. Said he was sick of me sulking and he was trying to help.

Which I know is true but it's so hard to explain how I feel. Like my choice has been taken away. Like I'm being told I can't do things on my own. Like everything is completely ruined because I had this plan in my head and it's gone wrong. Because I was anticipating feeling good from completing this big job and someone else did it.

And I feel stupid for it but it's such a strong reaction, I can't just shrug it off :(

It's somehow feels like an insult or personal attack even though I can see that's the complete opposite of his intentions.

I get this too. Please don't be hard on yourself. I have had to do a lot of talking with my husband about ADHD and autism and how it presents for me.

He used to take it quite personally when I had to take myself off into the bedroom to cry or have a bit of a meltdown, but I've explained why I do this and that it's just my way of dealing with things when I get overwhelmed. He now knows if he just leaves me to it, whilst maintaining warmth and understanding then I can bring myself around reasonably quickly. However, when he gets annoyed at me, takes it personally or makes me feel judged then it takes a lot longer for me to calm down and bring myself out of the spiral.

The other important thing was allowing myself to have these meltdowns, as soon as I accepted them as part of my coping strategies, I found it all easier to cope with!

I had some coaching from a coach who specialised in ND and this help me so much to understand my traits, be kinder to myself and work out coping strategies.

I don't get it as extremely as you do, but I recognise what you're saying. I'm awaiting assessment for adhd and ASD.

Yes. It's similar to RSD if want to give him something to read

I think it’s a stress thing. ASD and adhd cause a lot of stress.

Yes, it's definitely an autism thing. I get it too and it's really hard to rationalise and snap myself out of.

I'm currently in therapy with someone who specialises in autistic adults and I'm finding it really, really helpful.

I react the same way and don't have asd/adhd.

I think it's just a stress response some of us have.

I wasn't feeling stressed though

I was having a positive morning and was strangely excited to clean the carpet.

I could have just said 'oh ill take over but thanks for starting it' but it just feels like the world's caved in and it's too late at that point for anything to be salvaged of the day.

I think it's definitely an autism but I can also understand your husband's annoyance, especially if this happens a lot.

Do you think they two of would benefit from a few sessions with a counsellor who knows about autism to help you understand each other better and come up with ways that you can both deal with situations like this that meet both of your needs?

I completely understand his frustration and I am embarrassed by my reaction. I can see from his POV he did absolutely nothing wrong and was infact trying to save me from a yucky task.

Non of thisbis about his actions, but my reactions.

I don’t mean that you were stressed before the event.

Many of us have the same reaction- World is ending, day/weekend/entire holiday ruined etc. it’s completely disproportionate.

My DH has learnt that it’s just the way I am and the way I react. He knows to leave me to take to my bed until I gather myself. I make it clear it’s no reflection on him or anyone else.

YANBU.
You got it.
🍀

His frustration is understandable. At the same time, discovering you likely have AuDHD gives you both the opportunity to get to know your triggers and traits and to learn coping strategies. You don't need a diagnosis to get started on this. It is also important to learn not to hold yourself to neurotypical standards, the people you love will need to learn this too. I'm sure you do the same for you children. I'm just saying this because I've noticed that you are being very hard on yourself.

I'm awaiting ASD and ADHD assessment and this rings true for me.

I have a plan in place for my days and when something happens to change that, even if it's something I'd like, I find it difficult to cope with

<hugs> op! Definitely an autism/adhd thing. I've been diagnosed with both and I do exactly the same thing.

You can recover when it happens, it just takes some practise. I try and think of something nice I'm missing out on staying in bed "if I get up I can take my daughter to starbucks" and I try not to think about the thing I wanted to do...

It weird though, once I've moved on to the next thing I stop caring about the first thing and sometimes I won't get around to doing it for weeks. Thank you ADHD 🙄

My son has autism and he reacts like that too.

My daughter is autistic and would react like this too.

She shut herself away in her dark bedroom for a couple of hours this afternoon after becoming disregulated due to a small, unavoidable change of plan. She’ll be fine in a bit

She really doesn’t cope well with changes of plans and whilst she’s working with a therapist on coping strategies and is on the whole doing fine, it does occasionally become overwhelming for her and she just shuts down.

I do understand why your husband finds it frustrating, but I’ve learned to just let her get on with it and then we talk about it when it’s passed. Trying to talk to her at the time, or trying to jolly her out of it, just puts pressure on her and makes it a whole lot worse.

DP experiences this and I often feel like I need to be a mind-reader as misunderstandings of this nature are not infrequent in our house. I've stopped any kind of 'helping' or offering things as this, more often than not, will clash with the trajectory of his idea of how things need to unfold and he'll feel unsettled.

One example might be that he'll envisage himself cooking us all a nice family lunch consisting of something like an egg and mushroom sandwich (he's shows affection through catering for us very nicely). I might say, "Thank you, but can I just have the filling on a plate with no bread, please -I'm low-carbing." This request for change to his vision can be enough for him to down tools and retreat to bed in complete confusion and overwhelm, sometimes without telling anyone, so the first we know of it is when, after a while, it becomes apparent that no lunch is forthcoming.

Or me driving a route to a destination, however local, so perhaps just a couple of streets 'out', which he was not anticipating; he'll get anxious and withdrawn and it'll impact on his capacity to engage with whatever it was we were off out to do.

We've ND DC, and DP has, in very vulnerable and reflective moments, mooted the idea that he might also be autistic (traits abound), but is very reluctant to seek assessment. I'm not sure a diagnosis would make a difference as we're managing accommodations pretty well day to day.

@WarmthAndDepth This resonance with me so much. This is exactly the type of stuff that I do all the time. If I am making my husband a meal and I am surprising him with it, If he walks in and sees me making it I just don't want to do it anymore and I get upset and it feels ruined.
It's the weirdest most mundane things, so small but have a huge impact.

Yup, a change in plan even if it's a good thing totally throws me and my ASD girls.

Very typical with ASD to struggle with unexpected changes in plans.

DH wanted autistic DS to clean his room today. DS wanted to print a document. I ended up intervening that DS's brain is currently fixed on the document and please help him with it first because DS's brain will not process cleaning his room until the document is done.

We ended up with a printed document and clean room.

There was another moment later where DS was finishing a DoE activity, had just emerged from 90 mins of focus and wanted to get x done. I was trying to do y, z and x but saw from the expression on his face that x really did need to come first.

He often stalls if something isn't right in his intended order of events, e.g. can't find socks in his drawer. The initiative to ask fails, and his brain doesn't like parking a task and coming back to it.