Help - we all have different sensory 'needs' and I'm struggling to cope!

[SpinningTops]

Another weekend morning and I'm already feeling overwhelmed.

I have 2 kids who may be neurodiverse (both awaiting assessments). One makes noise fairly constant, this could be narrating his life / saying random things. The other maybe sings a tune on repeat. Everyone talks over everyone else.

DH doesn't like this much but deals with it by putting on the radio (Radio 4 so more talking). You can't hear the words so it's just more hum of noise. This helps him.

All of this is whilst I want to live in a world of quietness.

I've tried loop earplugs which work to a certain extent but I still feel I'm in a heightened state of fight or flight.

Any tips on what might help so I don't just have to leave the room?

How about noise cancelling headphones over the top of earplugs?

Could you start by suggesting dp uses an earphone for Radio4? If he only uses 1, he can still interact with the world and it'll cut down the noise a bit.

I'm sure it would work but it very much obviously removes me from family life, even if I can't still hear a bit. I don't want the kids to think I've checked out.

I have suggested he wear headphones but I don't think it's that he wants to hear it, I think it's more acting as his white noise.

It's not always and he will turn it off if I ask but it's a case of balancing what helps us both.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you leaving the room to get some space.

How old are your kids?

6&8

Do your kids have additional cognitive needs alongside potential neurodiversity? If not, I think it’s entirely reasonable to teach them that everyone has needs. If your need is for quiet, then they need to either respect that for set periods or take themselves outside/to their rooms for a bit to continue making the noise.

I don’t think it will serve them well longer term to only be able to cope with the world on their terms.

It's important that you communicate your needs as well op. You're not checking out if you say 'hey guys, I just need 5 minutes of peace and quiet because that's what my brain needs to function well' and take yourself off. You're not a robot and minimising your needs in favour of everyone else's WILL bite you in the arse at some point. Your needs are as valid as everyone else's.

I speak from experience as I have been through similar. Honestly, learn NOW to advocate for your own needs. It's not selfish. It's self care and 100% necessary for your OWN wellbeing. Which is EQUALLY as important as everyone else's.

Maybe it's him who needs to wear the loops, then!

Or, he could get some bone conduction headphones (I've got Shokz but there's other cheaper ones widely available) instead. They don't block any background noise because they don't go in or over your ears - but they'd achieve the white noise effect that he wants and cut out one source of background noise for you.

Thanks. This is definitely something I need to remember.

Seems like a good age for the kids to learn empathy - that the house has to work for everyone’s needs - and quiet time skills - something they’ll need for the real world. Teach them what needs to stay in their heads and what’s okay to say out loud.

Maybe have a quiet time hour in the house at the weekends. Get everyone used to coping with quiet. Also a vital life skill!

There’s nothing wrong with taking yourself off to a quiet room regularly. You need to do what’s right for you too.

I do understand that they could be taught to be quiet but they're not being bad or naughty.

It's basically that they're stimming. To stop them we could constantly be on at them but by stopping that behaviour would come out in some other way as the stress would build. They hold it together and are rule followers at school so I think Saturdays are often the hardest.

It's easier in the summer as we spend a lot more time outside which is much easier.

Have you or they tried other sensory things? Fulfilling other sensory needs might reduce the need for auditory stimulation. Weighted blanket or shoulder wrap, for example.

One of my autistic dc wore women's long wrist warmers for about a year, on his great big man's arms, as he found the sensory feedback very soothing. But he hated the weighted blanket.

I find that I cope far better with noise when I'm wearing my DMs. They give my feet and ankles a lot of sensory feedback and stability. I feel anchored, and I think that's why excessive noise does not overwhelm me as easily when I'm wearing them. I can tolerate noise for longer without stress.

Hi OP, I do agree with the previous poster who said the children are old enough to start taking other people's needs into account.
At the secondary school I work in we have a lot of students who are neuro diverse, the environment is tough for many if not all of them. The ones who are happiest are the ones who find a way to fit in rather than the ones whose families battle with us to change our ways to suit their children.
I know that sounds harsh but honestly there is little we can do about the environment of a busy mainstream school with classes of up to 30. We do what we can but it's the students who adapt best by finding places and times to do their things without coming into conflict with others who are happy and attend regularly. As you have found the needs of different people conflict with each other in a group of four let alone 30.

Children are noisy though. Amd they've had to be quiet all week at school
I think if you need quiet you need to go away from them for a bit.

Have you tried the proper foam earplugs that block out all sound? I tried loops, they weren't effective. The foam ones are bliss.

If they are easier to manage when outside as you mentioned OP would it work to have a regular morning break in the garden so they play outside and peace reigns within?

It's okay for them to stim @SpinningTops but it's also okay for you to need a break and to take yourself away from it for a while.

Your needs matter too. I say that as someone with autism who stims - though mine are generally silent.

Unless it’s Baltic outside or raining get them in coats in all weathers and outside in the garden for a while. It’s good for them regardless of the noise issues. I remember being out in the sandpit in January with the kids.

Yeah, outside.

Buy really good warm coats. Sort a routine of being outside regularly each morning.

Garden works if possible - I used to absolutely fill mine with toys and anything a child might like.

Failing that a beach if near you or a park.

husband having his noise in one earbud sounds worth a try to me. Also loops.

Is there a different sound that might work better for both of you - white noise, brown noise, rain?

Also agree with PP on building in quiet time. You could start with 5 mins on a timer and build up. And set up for success by giving them attention first so they are going into the quiet time "spent" rather than at bubbling over point.

Is your house very open plan? Doors are underrated these days I think! My autistic kids do stim but they also are v good at keeping the TV noise down when anyone's sleeping, or redirecting their wriggles onto a rebounder. It's ok to teach this stuff, I don't think it breaks them.

Better to check out for a bit than have a sensory meltdown.

Oh and are you and DH autistic as well?

Have you tried putting music on the radio instead? Classical is calming radio 3?

I do this when we have to focus on revision.

could one of you take one child (obviously alternate) to a shop for “bread” or “milk” but effectively a walk with a purpose?

Basically you have two adults and two kids, so each adult has one child just to reduce the clatter, you could read/play upstairs for instance.

If you can find other ways for your DC to get the right sensory feedback then they will likely find the need to vocally stim reduces.
This will be incredibly helpful to them as they get older to find other ways to meet their sensory needs and be more regulated overall.

I’d also try to teach them that if they want to sing a song on repeat/talk constantly to go into their room/the garden.
Input other ways for sensory feedback. Depending on their needs, a trampoline, balance beam, weighted blanket, carrying heavy objects, play dough, sensory chew toys, blowing bubbles with a straw, chewing different foods, eating ice cubes. You might need to direct them/remind them at first to use these.

One of my DC would narrate/talk constantly and I’ve had to teach them to think in their head, go to their room, put a limit on the talking (eg spend 15 minutes talking in the room then that’s it, unless it’s a genuine question/two way conversation). It’s been slow progress and needs constant reminders but it’s helped with friendships, learning to regulate in other ways and generally fitting in with the world.

I also struggle with noise so I will say ‘we are sitting quietly for 5 minutes then we can do xyz’ No arguing, no negotiation, that’s the rule. Start with 30 seconds and build upwards if your DC can’t manage. It often breaks the verbal stim too, so they won’t carry on afterwards. We will have a cuddle while we sit quietly so they get feedback from that and it helps to regulate me without me feeling like I’m checking out.