How do I deal with my friend's controlling ex?

[radiatorcat]

A friend of mine left a horrible coercive controlling relationship a year ago. Her ex has managed to keep controlling her through the children and financially. I’ve never liked him - I can tell he’s a misogynist even from his behaviour around me. It’s quite subtle, but it’s definitely there. I’ve always sensed he thinks he is superior to heresies friends, but round find it hard to evidence why. I’m not sure my friend could see it even if I tried explaining it to her. I’ve always been polite to him for my friend’s sake.

We’ve tried to support her and a while ago we invited her DS with us rock climbing and he absolutely loved it. He kept going on about how he wanted his Dad to come. We are going again, and invited our friend to come too. She agreed reluctantly, because she isn’t into physical activities.

Just found out that she isn’t coming and her ex cornered my DH at the school gate to ask if he could come instead. DH was a bit pissed but said yes.

How would you handle this? We’re caught between my friend who wants her children to be happy and her DS who wants his dad around. My friend would eat shit for her children, and tolerates a lot of unacceptable behaviour in the name if keeping her kids happy. This is more of that.

But I really can’t stomach spending time with a man who I know thinks very little of woman.

My friend is not capable of seeing him for who he is. If I say something sharp about him, she thinks I’m saying it because SHE has put negative thoughts in my head and then feels she’s been unfair and acts guilty and upset. She can’t hear anything negative about him without being emotionally triggered. So I keep my mouth shut. But I really have always seen him for exactly what he is.

I’m also irritated that my friend has caved again on having her ex intrude on HER weekend with her children again, but now I feel party to it. I’m also fucked off that we are HER friends, but somehow she has engineered him usurping her support network too.

Your DH said yes so no need for you to go to the lesson.

Can you spend the time with your friend?

These men cause so much trouble I want to frequently scream 😱!

It's not a lesson. It's our regular personal family activity we'd included her son on so he could have time with his friends. We usually go with my DCs and another mum and her DCs. He wants his Dad there and my friend and her ex have engineered it.

My DH was annoyed to be asked but said he couldn't say no when this little boy was hovering near his Dad to hear the answer. FWIW, the other mum who goes with us is pissed he's there too. Neither of us have ever liked him.

The only way out of this that I can see is to not include this little boy going forwards.

I think you’re getting way too involved in your friend’s psychodrama here. She agreed to her ex going climbing because she didn’t want to. It’s as simple as that. Tell her you don’t appreciate it, and that you won’t be including her child in future if her ex attends instead of her.

I would pull out this Saturday - you all have to go shopping for trainers or something. Don't let yourselves be manipulated. Maybe invite the boy and his mum to something she is comfortable doing at some future time.

I agree that you want to avoid getting involved in any drama here.

Neither you nor your DH want to spend time with this man. The other mum doesn’t want him there.

It seems your only option is to cancel this particular outing, engineering whatever excuse seems most reasonable, then never include her DS again.

I'm torn. YOU might not want this bloke around, but there's a little boy who only sees the abusive controlling twat as his dad, and wants to do stuff with him. Can you suck it up this once so that the DS has a good time with his dad, and then just make sure you never do it again?

Oh sorry - agree awkward and yes it seems the only way to avoid the father now is to exclude the child.

I am would be honest with your friend though and explain you don’t want to spend your free time with her ex as he’s a misogynist prick and life’s too short to waste in his vile company. Shame the child misses out but that’s on them not you!

Cancel this weekends activity and don’t invite the child again. You’re under no obligation to socialise with the ex simply because the child wants you to.

The boy and his dad can go together. You don’t have to facilitate it.

And this child’s mother could have ensured her child got to go climbing by going with him herself. The OP said she hates physical activities, so it’s not the nasty ex bullying her into it, it’s her friend’s own choice. The OP needs to be very clear with her friend that none of the other adults appreciated being stuck with the dsd, and that, if she wants her child to go climbing, she will have to suck it up.

I disagree with @Vroomfondleswaistcoat that you should suck it up and do it. This is how coercive control/emotional abusers usually work, and when people (usually the women) go along with it, it emboldens them and teaches them to continue doing it. In this case, from what you have said, the ex partner does this to your friend, and she caves in for the children. He (and your friend too, actually) are now doing exactly the same to you, and if you cave in “for the children” it tells both your friend and her ex that they can continue to do this - and they will - to either you or other friends.

I accept that your friends manipulation here is essentially coming from him, but in my opinion you need to model the boundaries you think she should have. You never know, seeing someone do this could give her confidence to start doing this with him in the future.

So I would cancel this weekends rock climbing, pick another fun family activity instead. Tell your friend you are cancelling due to another activity, but be clear to her (and @NotSoFar ’s words are perfect - the invite was extended to her and her son, it is not for her/her son to change the guest list. If she and her son don’t want to attend, that it not a problem, and you won’t extend the invite again if her ex tried to go again.

If she interjects with something about how she said something to give you a bad opinion of him, cut her off and say “It’s got nothing to do with that, Susan. This is about an invite to you and your son on your contact weekend with him. If we want the boys to get together on your ex’s contact weekend, we will certainly contact him to arrange it.”

I didn't go - genuinely have a horrific headache - and I'm waiting to hear from my husband and other friend (friend B, who usually goes with us) whether the ex turned up.

DH messaged me a while ago to say he'd messaged friend A (the one with the shit ex) to check if the kid was coming and friend A didn't know her ex had invited himself. DH is assuming the Dad approached him to invite himself without her knowledge, possibly at the kids request. DH said friend A said "I'm burying my head in the sand".

I don't know ... need to hear from DH and I need to speak to friend A. But it makes it worse in my mind. It's like he's now encroaching on her friendship groups without checking with her. Extending his control. Well he can fuck right off.

Makes me so angry actually. I've always known he doesn't think much of any of her female friends and this just underscores it for me. He could barely conceal his scorn. We're not his friends, we're hers. The brass neck to insert himself into our plans. It just makes me think he doesn't give a fuck what any of us think because he has zero regard for us.

DH took all the kids not wanting to disappoint any of them, including ours, by cancelling. But it's not going to happen again. Worst case scenario is this kid doesn't get invited again.

DH just messaged to say ex did turn up, and so did friend A. He said it's "all very weird". Crikey, all we did was invite a small boy to come have fun with his friends.

Agree with this. Cancel it.

Edit - didn't see the updates. Stop asking to include the boy for anything and just have adult time with the friend.

So your friend wasn’t going but changed her mind when ex was going? No way would I be duped into socialising with them like this. No more invites.

It sounds like they might be getting back together.