DH and holiday - your thoughts on this plse

[onestopponyshop]

Me and DH go away every year on an expensive holiday We save like mad for it. We are not going this year as we have other things going on. We will go next year and are both aware we will need to save hard for it. We have a big holiday planned with DC this year. I usually go away with friends every year. In past years DH has gone away too with his friends. These are holidays abroad. DH's going away with friends is a bit hit and miss, my trip is regular every year.

When DH is drunk is always asks me to chose between going away with him on our expensive holiday or go with my friends. He says surely I would chose to spend the money on our holiday, knowing how much it costs, and not with my friends. To be clear, I take on a second job for a short period to fully fund my holiday with friends. All mine & DH money is paid onto one account and we spend what we want (within reason), except for the second job money I earn.

DH is now kicking off that I am going away with friends. I have told him I will fully fund it (like I always have done). We are going to Europe for a week. He is going away for a long weekend in UK which will come out of the joint account. My holiday will be around £500 plus any spending money.

Who is BU ?

I don't think your wrong to go away dh shouldn't be asking you to choose between them

You both have time away - him a long weekend and you a trip
the only difference us YOU have worked an extra job to afford yours, and he has taken the money from the joint pot for his
is that correct?

Also to add - the money I earn from the second job will also pay for a weekend abroad later on the year for me and DH I have not told him that yet though. We have planned for the long weekend, I just thought I would carry on the second job for an extra month to cover our long weekend. We both work FT 38 hours a week. He has never had a second job. The second job will be an extra 13 hours a week for me

Yes, correct.

For me, it would be more important to go away with family than with friends. If I needed to make extra money to afford going away with family, I’d do that. It’s hard to tell without knowing the relative amounts - would you be able to afford your family holiday this year if you didn’t both go away with friends? Or are you not going away as a family this year because of other reasons?

I know you’re mentally ringfencing your second job money as specifically for your friends holiday, but you could just as well put it towards family holiday, but you are choosing not to. You’re prioritising extra money to friends holiday not family. As is he (prioritising some of your joint funds towards his friends holiday).

@Talipesmum we have the money for the family holiday and we have a large family holiday booked for this year. We couldn't comfortably afford the holidays with friends abroad, on top of the family holiday, unless I worked the extra to cover it, as I have planned. We can just about comfortably afford DH's long weekend away in UK.

DH thinks that if I work a second job then I should use the money for mine and his expensive holiday next year. But he is not going to be doing a second job to pay for that.

So are you jointly able to afford your expensive holiday next year as it stands? Or is he cross about the household economies needed in order to be able to afford it? Is the expensive holiday both of your decisions?

There’s probably an underlying problem that’s the real problem - how often is he drunk?

Then he’s being unreasonable

So you each get to go on at least 4 holidays a year, but your kids only 1? That's what's weird about your setup and worth a discussion, not if you prioritise a holiday with friends or a holiday with just your partner.

He's jealous, tell him to gfy

@RoachFish
For this year we have:

Week booked in Europe with all of us. DC's choice.
4 weeks booked in USA with all of us
1 week away for me with friends
Long weekend away for DH with friends
Long weekend away for DH & me with our friends

Its not as simple as you've worked an extra job so its your money when you have kids. If he's doing 13 more hours childcare a week so you can work the second job or taking on a bigger share at home then he's contributing to your ability to earn that money.

He's been completely unreasonable. His trip comes out of joint funds, whereas you have to get a second job.

Can I ask what kind of job do you get to cover it? I would love a second job like this.

@onestopponyshop when your ‘DH’ takes on additional work to bring more money to the pot to cover his own holidays - then he can have a discussion about combining the extra money you both make. Until he’s finding extra sources of income to cover stuff he can go back on his box. The nerve of him paying from the joint pot for his lads holiday.

Tell him he can get a second job... And pay his own way for trips like you do...

I’d rather go away with my husband, tbh.

Can't you just do a cheaper holiday and do both?

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness he will do neither. DC are both 16 so no young childcare. I will still pick up all the laundry/cleaning/tidying/home admin/manage finances/book food shops. He does own laundry and cooks for us all.

Definitely definitely go on your friends trip, OP!

I know people on here love saying family first etc but your friends are also very important, and you probably don’t see them as often.

You have plenty of trips this year where you can spend time with your DH and DC. Your DH sounds jealous of your trip and a bit spiteful. I’m sure it would be very different if the shoe was on the other foot.

You need to change how you manage your finances. This is exactly why Dh and I have personal spending accounts in addition to our joint account. I have literally no idea what he spends money on (one day he literally rocked up in a vintage motorbike with sidecar 😂). If he were using our joint account for that, I’d probably be pretty annoyed though.

When you have your own money, no one has the right to care what you spend it on as long as joint expenses are adequately covered. I go on holiday without dh every year. It’s great. And we don’t even have a big holiday together, ever really (logistics too complicated). That said, I don’t get the point of scrimping and working an extra job 50 weeks a year just to have 2 expensive weeks off. I’d rather live my life, not burnt out or worrying and arguing over money, have fun day to day, do things I love to do all the time.

Christ on a bike, no wonder you need a week away from him I don't blame you

He is being unreasonable and you should spend that second job money on whatever you like, he gets no say imo.