Tween girl friendships

[Wearymum2025]

I don’t really have a question as such - perhaps I’m just looking for some solidarity. Is anyone else finding it hard to watch Y6 girl friendships disintegrate? DD has for many years had a really solid group of friends and at the start of Y6 the group split apart. For no reason that I can see - there was no falling out or anything - except that one of them has been given a chance to be friends with the cool kids, and so DD has been dropped like a hot potato.

DD has some new friends but they’re nowhere near as solid or settled a group as the old ones, and she no longer has a “best” friend. This morning I watched her old best friend - a kid we’ve been on multiple holidays with, etc - walk straight past her at the school gate and when DD tried to talk to her, she literally looked at DD, ignored her, and walked away. It broke my heart a bit to see her so sad. DD is a nice kid - she’s kind and friendly and she doesn’t deserve this. There are other kids who want to be her friend, so she’s not actively lonely, but she is really sad about the loss of her long term friends, especially as there seems to be no obvious reason for it, or for her old friend to be unkind.

Obviously everyone can be friends with whoever they want to be, but I expected the parents to all teach their kids that they still need to treat each other with basic decency, even if they don’t want to hang out any longer. Has anyone else had the same? The kids will all be splitting up to go to a wide range of secondary schools but the only one who is likely to end up at the same school as DD is unfortunately the unkind friend.

Anyone…? As you can tell from the username, I’m definitely feeling a bit weary about it!

Im sorry to hear this, its hard isn't it 🫂 im having something similar with my daughter and her group of four friends. This hardest bit for me is watching it happen and not being able to do anything. I try to think that things will settle, and new friends will become the norm. Its just hard isn't it. I get so anxious my stomach hurts. Sending you strength ♥️

I can't comment on girls, as my DD is not quite at this stage yet, but I had similar with DS2 around a year ago when he was year 6. Minor disagreement but his best friend since reception ended the friendship over it so DS2 was pushed out of their little group. He had other friends who he is still in touch with but I still feel sad about it as it wasn't the same and it ruined the last few months of year 6 for me, although he's pretty laid back and just rolled his eyes about it all. That said, it made the transition to secondary school less of a wrench. They've all gone to different schools now, nobody from his primary school went to the same school as DS2 so he's had to make new friends. It's too early to say that they will be friends for the whole of secondary school but he's settled well and seems happy.

I wouldn't worry too much about this unkind girl going to the same secondary as your DD. You should be able to request that they are not put in the same tutor group and new friendships will be made, although expect groups to shift around a lot in year 7 and 8 as they find their feet.

It's horrible to watch though when you see a close friendship end, so I think I know how you feel.

I think this is something every parent goes through and sees it play out and at the time it does break your heart.

Looking back, how it panned out for us I think was quite lucky. My DD had a close friend in yr1, very close, always played as a pair, same class etc. She was very happy. Then the other girl left and my DD had almost nobody close for a few months and I did worry a fair bit. Like her the other girls had made friendship groups some pairs, some bigger and now seem settled. But kids adapt and what seems a big thing for adults it is just a part of the merry go round for kids. If it's not them kids see it happening in other friendship pairs/ groups all the time. My DD is always telling me about the changing relationships elsewhere.

What I told my DD at the time, is not to pair off again, have a few friends and don't be so reliant on one. Now she has a group of 4 friends, which kind of extends to about 6 or so, and then she knows so many kids outside this group very well, perhaps 10 or 15, and she kinda floats between the groups. I never get the impression if out of the blue one of closest in the group of 4 jumped ship it would affect her much.

You’re probably right - maybe it is a rite of passage for all parents.

It feels very tough having to stand there and watch, and not being able to do anything about it. I almost wish they were little again - it was all so easy to arrange some play dates for them and make it all ok.

It's always going to happen one way or another, and these things sort themselves out. The only thing I would never want is my DD to be at the top of the pecking order, it's not good for kids. Likewise someone at the bottom could then lead to confidence issues.

For the 80%-90% in the middle it's about going with the flow.

If i did have any advice it's just dont make it an issue, there were many times I knew my kid wasn't 100% happy but I never tried to project that onto them and ask too many questions. If parents jump on these things too proactively too soon it can evolve into an issue which would otherwise blow over.

I think that’s a very fair point. I do have a bit of a tendency to panic and want to solve things immediately, and that could definitely end up making things worse. That’s partly why I’m posting on MN - to stop me from doing it in front of DD!