Do you think this sounds like postnatal depression?

[WiseUmberAnt]

Hi everyone,

I posted in the MH topic yesterday but it seems quite quiet over there. Is it ok if I repost here for traffic?

I had my first baby four months ago. At first I felt great, but now I’m wondering if I’m sliding towards PND territory or if it’s all a normal part of being a mum? Could you tell me what you think?

• I often feel anger/rage - not towards the baby, but in my body, at small things like the dog barking at the door and waking the baby up, or at someone driving too fast near us when I’m out with the pram. I feel like I stomp around town with the pram each day in a permanent gloom/grump.

• I’m struggling with the shifted relationships after having a baby, e.g. MIL/SIL. MIL was great before the baby arrived but then spent his first weeks taking him off me/out of the room/not giving him back when he cried. She gets coldsores and I was very worried about her passing them on to the baby as she wasn’t being careful - apparently she didn’t know they were contagious or harmful and didn’t notice she had them. After DH and I spoke to her about this, SIL seemed to start to blank me and the baby when we saw her. I suddenly feel really isolated/ostracised in a family I previously got on well with. I expected to find my own family tricky (history of emotional abuse/neglect), but it’s shocked me how much things have changed with my ILs. I think having a baby has both changed the dynamic massively and also opened my eyes to some behaviours that I’d either overlooked or not noticed before.

• As above, being (overly?) worried about DS catching coldsores/herpes. It probably got to the stage where it was actual health anxiety, but it’s lessened a bit now since DH spoke to MIL. But a few weeks ago I was checking DS’ skin for lesions, worrying that conjunctivitis was actually herpes in his eye, worrying that I’d somehow caught it and given it to him without realising.

• Feeling alone. I’m EBFing DS so I’m by default the default parent. DH is out of the house at work from 6am-6pm usually, and I do all the night feedings/changes. DH will bounce the baby in the night if I need a break from him. I go to baby groups with NCT mums and have other friends close by with older children, but I still feel alone, and actually quite often I’d rather be alone, I think? I know that doesn’t really make sense, sorry.

• Not feeling ‘seen’, including by my own family. I know new babies are lovely and cute, but nobody aside from my friends with older children has actually asked how I’m doing. My ILs and own family only really ‘see’ DS. I feel particularly surplus to requirements if we see my ILs with DH, as it’s as though if DH and DS are there, I’m not needed. People see DS as a nice toy to have a turn with, rather than as a person.

• Small things making me cry. We walked through town yesterday and a restaurant had a sign outside for mother’s day lunches. Why would that make me well up? But it did!

• Constantly worrying I’m a crap mum but simultaneously not trusting anyone else to look after DS how I’d do it/how I’d like him to be looked after. I can’t bear the thought of MIL having him (she repeatedly offered to have him so I could exercise and it got to the stage where she almost seemed annoyed that I kept saying no and seemed to make out that I was being silly, but he was so little I didn’t want to leave him). My mum gets right up in DS’ face even when I’m trying to get him to sleep. Even DH does things I’d rather he didn’t do, like sit DS up facing the TV or scroll on his phone rather than interacting with him. Am I being a control freak? Is this normal?

Does this sound like PND? I’ve been a bit prone to up-and-down MH due to my upbringing, so I don’t know if this is normal for four months in, or if it’s something I should speak to someone about.

I also don’t know what I want to happen? I exercise when I can, get some sleep when I can, I can’t change DH’s working hours or other people’s behaviour, so realistically what could change/improve?

Sorry for rambling! Any advice gratefully received! Thank you 🙏🏼

Hopeful bump in case anyone sees this and can advise if i should look into help or not? Would medication help? I think possibly my hormonal contraception (mini pill) is getting me down too, but there’s not really another alternative for that at this stage - we’d like to have another baby within the next 18 months/2 years, so the coil is too long-term.

Huge thanks if you’re reading x

Bump

I had PND depression all my pregnancies, and it doesn't sound anything like what I experienced. But I could be wrong, it probably manifests differently in people. I would say see a GP that's the best person for advice.

Thank you 🙏🏼 I’m really sorry you had PND.

Do you think this could be postpartum rage? Or is it just normal for everything/everyone to be irritating when you have a new-ish baby? 😣

I had anxiety after the birth of both my children. Diagnosed as PND because I don’t think ‘postnatal anxiety’ is a diagnosis.

I don’t think any of us can answer if you have PND but if you’re wondering if you might then a GP appointment would be a good idea. They might offer medication if you’re open to that (hugely helpful for me) or something else or even just ‘wait and see’.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you’re feeling?

One thing to be aware of is that I found some other people (my mum) just didn’t ’get it’ - she thought everyone feels low after having a baby and that I could decide to buck my ideas up if I wanted to. So either be prepared for that possibility or think about who you tell.

And also to say that I got better. Things can and do get better.

Take care xx

Some of that sounds similar to me, especially the “constantly worrying I’m a crap mum” bit.
But as I didn’t tick any of the boxes on the health visitor’s list for PND I carried on thinking I was a crap mum and just struggling away. I was convinced if I went to the doctor they would just take my baby away.

But both DSis and DH reckon I did, and it clouded much of DD’s baby and toddler years.

So I would go to the doctor.

Thank you so much. I think it could be anxiety (I’ve never had a formal diagnosis of anxiety or depression but have definitely had MH challenges in the past).

Most of the anxious feelings centre around wanting to keep my baby safe and not wanting to leave him. DH has asked MIL to do one day a week’s childcare when I go back to work (with DC in nursery the other days), and I already feel extremely uncomfortable about the idea of leaving DS with her, because she seems so fixated on ‘getting’ him without me. It makes me clam up more and want to keep hold of him more and makes the anxious feelings worse.

I think it’s really positive that you have identified the ways in which you don’t feel ok. That is the first step. I’d say some of them are quite universal - feeling alone especially if you are ebf and all the responsibility is on you. But you clearly don’t feel ok and should reach out to your gp.

Be aware that lots of women experience a wide spectrum of negative emotions after birth so you need to be clear with the gp that this doesn’t feel normal to you and you want to feel better.

medication like anti depressants can really help but this has to be done in combination with all the other stuff that feels hard when you have a baby - eating well, getting good sleep, exercising, getting fresh air, seeing friends, doing things that bring you joy etc etc