So ruled by my hormones I don’t trust my own judgement any more

[RuledByHormones]

I don’t know where else to turn with this. I hope I can articulate this sensibly.

I’m 40 years old. Two kids. One husband. i think we have a good marriage. He makes me happy (most of the time). He’s a great and very involved dad. Does loads around the house. Supportive etc.

The way I feel about him seems to be totally ruled by my hormones. This has been maybe the last year or so. The week after my period I am obsessed with him. Fancy him, I’m needy as fuck to be honest, and too sensitive so quite prone to overreacting, thinking he has gone off me etc. I do try to keep a lid on it. I’m aware that a lot of it is not rational so I tend to just kind of avoid him when I feel that way. Which he doesn’t like. Finds it hurtful, doesn’t get it.

Then it gradually settles and the week approaching my period I feel really quite indifferent towards him. Feel like if he left me I wouldn’t care.

Suspect the way I feel about him truly without the hormonal soup is probably somewhere in the middle but 🤷🏻‍♀️

don’t find it with the kids at all. I’m always obsessed with them 😂 it affects my work; I can also get super obsessed with work.

I don’t trust the way I feel about anything. Currently crying in the bath and thinking about leaving because he’s announced he’s going for a pint tomorrow.

what even is this??

Oh OP I feel you! It’s great you have learned about your cycle and the impact it has on you, what do you do at different phases of your cycle to look after yourself? Reading a boon like period power might help you get to know what happens during your cycle and how you can lean into your strengths. For example - a week before I ovulated I’m invincible, can do anything and get loads done. A week before my period I’m a mess - I am not allowed to make any permanent decisions about my life but I do feel the truth and need to care for that after my period comes. After my period comes I can’t be fucked with anyone and am really good at looking after myself.

i try to learn to lean into these strengths.

Welcome to 40!

Lol, I had so many chats like this with DD, 20 years gap between us. On the good week, I even used tosay I am riding oestrogen high, and avoid important meeting at PMS week.

Ask GP for a mini pill. At 45, it has levelled me incredibly, just made me feel more balanced and resilient, even tempered permanently but still experiencing life’s highs. It has made a difference at home (I can take or leave DH any time now :-) joking and more rational at work. Takes about 2 months to kick in, wish I knew 5 years back.

I can’t take the pill. It turns me into an actual crazy person.

This was me pre HRT for about ten years. In fact it’s so accurate I thought you’d read my mind!

I am exactly the same and actually postpartum I tend to oscillate between overwhelming love and deep loathing 😂 I think identifying it is half the battle and the other half is remembering that the same at you feel when you could quite happily divorce them is not real it’s just your hormones and you can rise above them

I have PMDD and I cycle through what you just described like clockwork. I would be utterly obsessed and practically humping my dps leg for a week and then the week before my period I absolutely despised him, tried to end our relationship month after month. I was convinced he was this abusive manipulative man. We would spend a whole week arguing with me spiralling ever deeper until my period came and poof all of the black cloud of hatred disappeared over night.

I am on venlafaxine now and still go googly eyed but my hatred has simmered down to mild annoyance and having to leave the room when he eats.

Oh my god I feel so seen. I thought I was losing my mind 🥹

I wouldn’t say I hate him. I’m either screaming that he doesn’t love me, feeling really really sad, or he’s irritating the life out of me and I wish he’d disappear. Then he does and that irritates me even more.

I could have written this about myself. So normal (but still sh@t)

It’s awful actually. He doesn’t really engage when I’m in the dark place any more. Sees it for what it is and just says we’ll talk about it another time. Which is infuriating at the time but probably more productive than arguing.

I'm the same. For a week out of the month I honestly consider divorcing him. The rest of the month it's fine.

Speak to your GP @RuledByHormones, I had two types of therapy and tried different pills but the venlafaxine really helps me.

If it is affecting your life to this extent then you owe it to yourself to try and treat it. I have been so stable now for 6 months after years of contstant rows it feels like a miracle.

This is how i felt before HRT.

Ah my people.

Last year I would spiral between feeling how lucky I was to have DH, what a blessing it was that I met him, and feeling like would explode I wanted sex so much - to feeling like I hated him, like life would be so much better without him, even making excel spreadsheets around whether I could afford to go it alone ....

Then at Easter last year the family were not ready to leave for a party when I had said they needed to be. Lost the plot. Like not just snapping in a moment of madness but proper raging for 20 minutes on the car journey. DD in tears, DH telling me to just stop it right now - but unlike usually I couldn't just stop, couldn't let it go.

Later on when I was back to being a rational person my DH had a word with me and said I had to do something about it.

I also felt very sheepish bd ashamed to have made my Dd cry.

Started HRT a month after.

Much better, much softer, more stable. Still find my family irritating but I don't lose the plot.

Is it an age thing, then?

I have found my people!

I'm 40 now but this has been going on and off for me for maybe 5 years now? Some months are much worse than others though.

My pattern tends to be:
Week 1 - tiredish but calm and loving
Week 2 - manic and horny (used to be more "happy" and sometimes is but now it's more hyperactive than that)
Week 3 - bitch mode. As soon as that oestrogen drops I am so irritable and angry with life and especially DH. Definitely no sex drive. Just want to be on my own and hate myself. Tired.
Week 4 - actually a bit better. Tired but no longer as raging and whilst not really horny I don't hate the idea of sex

I'm worried that come the menopause I'll be stuck permanently in week 3 mode.