How best to help friend declutter

TheChosenTwo · 05/03/2025 20:24

I’d just leave her to it to be honest, I think hoarders and people who live with extreme levels of clutter are hard to help.
You offered her a starting point but she’s jumped down your throat about it.
If she asks again I’d just keep it low key, “I suggested starting with baby toys but you seemed like you were against that so maybe start by tackling an area you’re more comfortable with.” And leave it at that. Not rude but just non committal. I also do think that it can be tied up with MH issues, the hoarding mindset and being unable to part with anything. It’s a tricky situation really. Poor kids and poor friend tbh.

Noodledoodledoo · 05/03/2025 20:26

As a hoarder who has to work hard against my tendencies, plus a family of hoarders (not extreme but lots of emotional attachments we all seem to have). Small steps work really well but regularly. Get her to sort a drawer, then another and another. Don't plan to 'do a room' it is too much to make all those decisions.

Biggest help is taking stuff away straight away - accept the fact the money has gone and get rid, find a charity donation station rather than a shop who can take a lot more and take it when you are finished - don't store it until 'you have enough' to make it worth it! Same with dump runs!

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 20:29

She asked me for help. Any advice. I tried to say she needs to get rid of some things I suggested baby toys to start but she immediately started arguing

I wouldn't be helping someone that is arguing with me and I would say that to her.

BeachRide · 05/03/2025 20:35

If the house is unsafe you can anonymously report her to SS or the NSPCC. They can offer support to improve things for the children.

CarpetKnees · 05/03/2025 20:37

Noodledoodledoo · 05/03/2025 20:26

As a hoarder who has to work hard against my tendencies, plus a family of hoarders (not extreme but lots of emotional attachments we all seem to have). Small steps work really well but regularly. Get her to sort a drawer, then another and another. Don't plan to 'do a room' it is too much to make all those decisions.

Biggest help is taking stuff away straight away - accept the fact the money has gone and get rid, find a charity donation station rather than a shop who can take a lot more and take it when you are finished - don't store it until 'you have enough' to make it worth it! Same with dump runs!

This is what I would like.
Someone who was willing to come at a set time for an hour, and take away what I agreed to let go, before I can change my mind.
I'd like them to tell me they know of a charity / person / baby bank / outlet that would be really appreciative of X, Y, Z even if they were just throwing it away.

Notverygoodatusernames · 05/03/2025 20:37

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

OnTheBoardwalk · 05/03/2025 20:42

From experience you can not help a hoarder unless they want you to.

they will fall out with you and accuse you of stealing stuff they agreed could be removed

ask if they want to give to charity to help people less fortunate than them, that worked for me but in the end I had to get professional advice not social services

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 05/03/2025 20:44

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 20:29

She asked me for help. Any advice. I tried to say she needs to get rid of some things I suggested baby toys to start but she immediately started arguing

I wouldn't be helping someone that is arguing with me and I would say that to her.

Yes this, in a nutshell.

NoctuaAthene · 05/03/2025 20:50

Some good advice here. As someone from a long line of hoarders I can definitely concur that there tends to be some kind of mental health problem behind hoarding and though kind friends can see 'sorting the house out' as a useful, practical way of helping it can actually be counter productive because unless the underlying reasons are sorted out the hoarder will not be able to maintain their nice orderly house and will rebuild their hoard usually in less time than it took to sort it out, only this time with a nice dose of shame and anxiety because they've wasted their friends time and energy and damaged the friendship to boot.

I think her reaction to your advice tells you she's not really ready to start sorting yet so until then the kindest thing you can probably do is try not to judge, be supportive and socialise outside the house if needed. When she is able to start letting stuff go like others say it can be really helpful to have someone remove the stuff right away as otherwise that becomes an extra task. I personally find short burst type techniques helpful such as taking one black bag and filling it with any rubbish anywhere in the house, or sorting out just one drawer or corner. Starting with a big (and emotional) job like all the toys might be too much to start with. She could even try the just one thing a day challenge? Slow and steady tends to be the best way...

Justasmallgless · 05/03/2025 20:50

Notverygoodatusernames · 05/03/2025 20:37

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

This is a really good resource and explains why your friend started arguing as she isn't ready to start with baby toys yet.
Be led by her and start small

Headstarttohappiness · 05/03/2025 20:52

Sadly I do have experience here. A whole load of us went because she asked for help, it was a mutual arrangement and we did lots and lots of careful work over several weekends because that’s how much there was to do, and we were worried about the living environnent for her children.

I also paid for professional help for her in the run up to this to get her started on this process as gently as possible.

Within a couple of months it was absolutely awful again. Despite the fact that she does not have a job outside the home and the children are school age.

Will I help again? No. Am I despairing and beyond exasperated? Yes. A little bitter even? Very possibly!
Be careful OP.

Noodledoodledoo · 05/03/2025 21:14

What has helped me was having to sort and clear 2 houses due to bereavement. What we learnt as the first was very sudden, unexpected and too early, start with the stuff with the least emotional attachment - whatever that might be. Something easy, like shoes very little emotional attachment but a quick win.

Original poster

spanieleyes22 · 06/03/2025 02:48

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I need to take a step back - it seems an easy fix to me but it got like that for a reason. She has asked for help I suppose that's a start. It's deeper than decluttering though isn't it. Like an illness maybe

OP posts:

RickiRaccoon · 06/03/2025 03:42

I agree you shouldn't get involved. I did my parents' house and I was pretty successful at the time but it was painful. My DF would get rid of anything I suggested but my DM was resistant and wanted to look through the boxes and then wouldn't do it and lamented the loss of almost every dirty, broken, ripped thing. Years later she still randomly brings up what I got rid of.

penguinbiscuity · 06/03/2025 04:00

I'm really sad to see the comments on this thread about not helping or reporting a friend who's asked for help to social services/.NSPCC. What kind of world are we living in?

My house is a state. It's largely because I have ADHD and struggle to get on top of things and at times it has got really bad.

Occasionally a friend has helped and that help has been hugely beneficial.

What helps me is simply a friend keeping me company as it helps keep me focussed on tidying. Anyone telling me what to get rid of wouldn't help.

Your friend is asking for help OP. If you're a friend, please do try to help them, it could really make a huge difference to them.

yourmaw · 06/03/2025 04:22

Shinyandnew1 · 05/03/2025 20:29

She asked me for help. Any advice. I tried to say she needs to get rid of some things I suggested baby toys to start but she immediately started arguing

I wouldn't be helping someone that is arguing with me and I would say that to her.

First thing about "helping" is establish what precisely they need/want
Anything else at best adds to issue.
Does she want u override her judgement? Box label n bag.
Your ideal isn't the goal.x

Original poster

spanieleyes22 · 06/03/2025 09:13

Yes I think I need to be careful and let her lead. I only suggested toys as the sitting room is over-run with toys and so many are broken or for little babies and I thought we could try and reclaim some space that way. Her husband lives with her too and he seems keen to try and tackle it. She doesn't work so should have plenty of time so I don't think time is an issue. It's obvs a deeper problem

OP posts:

TeenToTwenties · 06/03/2025 09:20

Maybe she would be willing to box up toys that are no longer used, rather than go to throwing them out?
Or start up memory boxes for each child with favourite old toys?
Hoarding is a type of OCD really.
Depending on the age of the children they could help too.

Linens · 06/03/2025 09:29

Pointless, don’t get involved unless it’s to signpost her to MH services.
There was a long running thread on here I vividly remember. A woman was deep cleaning and de cluttering a hoarders house, just out of kindness, the man was able bodied and could have easily done it himself, she was just an acquaintance. She was painstakingly like taking an hour to clear each step on the stairs, the bathroom took days. He would wander past occasionally and offer her a tea. It was mad. Don’t be that person!