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Original poster

Shared friends?

22 replies

everychildmatters · 02/03/2025 21:56

Do you and your husband/OH have any?
My SIL has been married for 25 years and is currently her and her husband are having a fantastic (and very well deserved) time on holiday with another couple who they have been great friends with for over 30 years.
It's made me feel a bit sad my hubby and I will never have these experiences. We met each other at 36 and 41 and married 3 years ago (second time around for us both). We are now 44 and 49.
I suppose we don't have any shared friends due to the fact we got together much later on life, but it still makes me feel a bit like we've really missed out 😞

OP posts:

CarpetKnees · 02/03/2025 22:57

Why do you think you can't make friends with people because you hit your 40s ?

How is it that neither of you have become friends with any of each others friends ?

herestin · 02/03/2025 23:05

No, neither DH nor I have close friends. We have acquaintances through work and hobbies but neither of us socialise as a couple with them, and that's fine.
But I can't imagine us both getting on with a couple enough to want to do a shared holiday tbh, the idea doesn't appeal to me at all!

Oxgodby · 02/03/2025 23:07

CarpetKnees · 02/03/2025 22:57

Why do you think you can't make friends with people because you hit your 40s ?

How is it that neither of you have become friends with any of each others friends ?

This. DH and I have some shared friends, others not. But at 52, we are still certainly making new ones.

ExtraDecluttering · 02/03/2025 23:07

We met aged 30 (now late 50s) so over the years we have got to know each other’s friends and their partners pretty well but they are still primarily friends of one or the other (so with my school friends I meet with them both with and without DH but he wouldn’t meet them without me, same for his uni friends). We don’t often go out as a foursome, it’s usually with a group or separately with our own friends. I also don’t have a best friend (although I have a lot of friends), DH similarly. But it’s fine. I don’t think either of us has any desire to go on holiday with another couple or shared group of friends.

Original poster

everychildmatters · 02/03/2025 23:08

@CarpetKnees Because we don't have 25/30 shared years together?!!!
Another thing which makes it a little tricky is that most people of a similar age have adult/older teenage kids whereas we have a 4 yo (again - no regrets - that's just how life worked out) but it does make it more difficult to navigate.
We do have people we know a little together, but they're not what we would class as close friends.

OP posts:

ExtraDecluttering · 02/03/2025 23:09

And yes we are making new friends in our 50s, through hobbies and activities but I can’t see any of them progressing to holidaying together, you never know though, I love meeting and getting to know new people.

CarpetKnees · 03/03/2025 00:23

Because we don't have 25/30 shared years together?!!!

I'm not sure which bit you are answering, here.

If you are particularly talking about the going on holiday bit (?) then I think it is only a small minority that go on holiday with (couple) friends. We've got quite a few friends we've been friends with for 30 years of more, but have no intention of going on holiday with any of them.

But I agree with @Oxgodby and @ExtraDecluttering that your age is no barrier to making new friends.

I'm still puzzled why there are none of your dh's friends you have become friendly with or none of your friends he has become friendly with over the 8 years you've been together.

Notinmylifethyme · 03/03/2025 00:40

Sorry. I stopped reading at the word "hubby".

stanleypops66 · 03/03/2025 07:56

My parents are just back from holiday with shared friends they've had for 45 years. Dh would be friends with my bf's dh. We've been on holiday with them and other couples. Not unusual in our friend group though the friendships have been made via the woman. I've had my bf for 35 years.

fatgirlswims · 03/03/2025 08:13

I met my husband at 36 and we go on holiday with friends at least twice a year? We also go with brothers and sisters and parents.

Why do you need 20 years of joint friendship. Did you not each have friend before you met and blend them to become couple friends?

You are bit single minded

PIL go on holiday with friends all the time

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/03/2025 08:21

DH and I had four lots of couple friends. Unfortunately two lots of them are currently divorcing. We have known all of them since our twenties and very early thirties. I understand what you’re writing. When us later fifties are together we can laugh about our time at Snobs and Mr Egg back in 1995. Plus the threads that bind, the upsets, the great times.

But I see you have managed to have a child at last chance saloon kind of age. Stop and think about that because of all my friends around 20% never had children and only one of them didn’t have a children by choice. You are having a glass half empty moment and being a bit daft really.

Original poster

everychildmatters · 03/03/2025 08:38

@fatgirlswims How old are the kids you go with?

OP posts:

Original poster

everychildmatters · 03/03/2025 08:40

@Notinmylifethyme Do you not know what it means? Hubby is a shortened form of husband.
Are you equally horrified I'm a Ms? 😆

OP posts:

fatgirlswims · 03/03/2025 08:44

Between 19 and 6

Original poster

everychildmatters · 03/03/2025 08:48

@fatgirlswims That's really good that you can go on holiday and kids of such different ages are all happy.
Our daughter is 4 and the "next" one up is 15 and older from there so one big holiday all together would be a challenge.
We have made new friends, but they're not the same as old friends iyswim? You're never going to have those shared experiences that bring you together.

OP posts:

Original poster

everychildmatters · 03/03/2025 08:50

@ViciousCurrentBun We are very lucky to have had her, especially as a recurrent miscarriage sufferer ❤️

OP posts:

Stai · 03/03/2025 08:53

I’m early 40s and have been married 6yrs. We have a 3yr old, but have quite a few shared friends. Some were initially my friends, some were his, some are joint as we have made friends with other parents in our local area by going to events. You have to put in a bit of effort to make new friends initially, but it pays off.

CarpetKnees · 03/03/2025 16:26

When us later fifties are together we can laugh about our time at Snobs and Mr Egg back in 1995

But, although (as far as I am aware) I don't know you @ViciousCurrentBun , I could have a great reminisce with you about Snobs' sticky floor, and Mr Egg when you needed a feed late at night. We might, or might not have been there on the same night, but we will both have had the same experiences if we are of a similar age and went to the same venues.

We have friends we have only really got to know over the last 10 or 12 years, but time and time again, it turns out we must have been at the same gig / match / seen the same show at the theatre some 30, 35, 40 years ago or more.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 03/03/2025 16:31

Shared friends don't have to be ones you've had for decades.

I met DH when i was 32 her was 41. We made some shared friends when we moved house and within a couple of years we were going on holiday together. Our shared experiences are the ones we've had over the last few years. .

irregularegular · 03/03/2025 16:47

Yes, almost all our friends are basically shared. We have a large group of friends of varying degrees of closeness locally, where we made friends initally through the children's school and then it grew from there. And we have a smaller group of friends from the time when we met as graduate students. They were mostly kind of his friends first as he started slightly earlier, but now they are definitely joint friends.

In fact, we hardly have any friends that I wouldn't consider shared. I have one friend from my undergrad days that I see on my own, he has a couple of friends from his own student days but he hardly sees them. I have a couple of friends from work that I tend to see separately, though we have also done couples dinners, and I can think of just one local friend who is a bit separate from the others and DH doesn't really know her husband.

irregularegular · 03/03/2025 16:51

We have occasionally been on holiday together with the old student friends and also with the recent local friends. There are a small number of other couples I could imagine doing the same with in the future. It's fun, at least for a short break, or a simple week in a villa which still leaves you free to do your own thing quite a bit.

mondaytosunday · 03/03/2025 17:01

I've been on holiday with people I know through my DH and so has he. Having a long history with people is nice, but that doesn't you from making new ones. Frankly I prefer hanging out with my female friends without their male partners. Totally changes the dynamic.

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