Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

8 year old - am I being unreasonable? Please help!

59 replies

Createausername1234 · 02/03/2025 17:40

Hello,
my soon to be 9 year old struggles to hold down a routine. I have tried reward charts, helping make diary entries, offered sleepovers( her most favourite) if she can hold down a school routine for a week without multiple reminders.
This is what I hope she does and below what she does:
hope:
home at 4:30, a shower and snack - 1 hour
(to also empty school bag, lunch box and hang clothes)
homework/studies - 1 hour
dinner followed by whatever she wants to do

reality:
first 2 -3 hours are spent in uniform playing, followed by multiple reminders for shower and change of clothes.
Then it takes a very long time to eat dinner
followed by multiple reminders to do homework.
She is considered a great child in school by teachers.
My job is also very demanding, so I am finding it very exhausting to be constantly reminding her.
My husband thinks I am a perfectionist(he is way too relaxed in my opinion) I may as well be, please pour in your feedback/advise. Thank you.

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 02/03/2025 18:11

An 8 year old doesn’t need a shower every day, much less right after school, that’s quite weird to be honest.

Original poster

Createausername1234 · 02/03/2025 18:11

No she would not do any of those without prompted. If given a choice she will
play till 11 pm in her school uniform. I am not rigid about timing, happy for her to unwind for 2 hours, push out things and in fact happy for her to come up with her own routine provided she does things she has to do and have a normal bedtime. But I am really struggling to have any sort of routine without millions of reminders :(

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/03/2025 18:14

Createausername1234 · 02/03/2025 18:11

That’s just parenting. She clearly gets her demanding ness from you. Reduce 1 hour of homework, what does she even need to unpack from her school bag every day if that’s not including her lunch box? Why can’t she stay in her uniform if she wants? She’s just being a kid

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds 9 year olds Families

Tiswa · 02/03/2025 18:14

Do you have to have a set routine OP?

Jackiebrambles · 02/03/2025 18:14

I think having to remind an 8 year old is totally normal by the way, I have a 9 year old, I have to tell her to do something quite a few times!

BlumminFreezin · 02/03/2025 18:15

I find your whole expected routine odd.

A shower straight after school, every day? Why? Both on the timing and daily aspects.

An hour of homework or 'studies' daily for an 8 year old? Good grief...why? Just by way of comparison my 14 year old probably averages an hour of homework a day Mon-Friday and he has GCSE's coming up this Spring.

You've got a rough ride ahead of you at this rate op.

SpinningTops · 02/03/2025 18:16

Blimey, where's the fun in life.

I have an 8 year old. She needs to relax after school and is a bit of a fizzy coke bottle that explodes. So our 'routine' is

Out of school and walk/ skip / spin to the car. I park a way away so she can get the wriggles out.

Home for snack, then drawing, playing, out in the garden in the summer.

Clubs that she chooses, she does something 3 times a week.

Dinner and bed, we don't push homework (all optional) or reading as it's a battle not worth the upset at this age. She reads comic books in bed until she falls asleep at about 9:30.

She showers twice a week and doesn't seem too grotty.

The most important things to me are that she is polite, respectful and happy!

pinkroses79 · 02/03/2025 18:17

Too much of a rigid routine. She's been at school all day with a routine, why does she need one straight after school as well?
How much homework does she get? At 8 my children probably had 30 mins a week, max. The shower time could be later, after dinner. Children just usually want to come home and relax for a whole, doing what they want. I used to empty my children's bags, the only thing I actually moaned about was leaving the bag on the stairs to be tripped over.

stichguru · 02/03/2025 18:17

It's a strange routine
Home at 4:30 snack and play
Around 5:30 do some homework (I would expect 20 mins to 30 mins some nights, but not every night)
Dinner
Shower every 2-3 nights, otherwise more play
Bed

Never need a shower until bed time and then not more that once every three nights unless she's especially dirty/wet/has been swimming.

Snorlaxo · 02/03/2025 18:17

It is normal to have to say to a 9 (!!) year old - time for shower or whatever. How do you think teachers do it at school ?

Your current routine is really strict and joyless. She’d probably have more freedom in jail.

Is she in a private school where she gets one hour of homework a night and is doing PE all afternoon so super muddy and sweaty? The shower straight after school is odd.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/03/2025 18:20

Sounds like you’d be better off with:

bit of play time until dinner.
dinner
homework (use a bit more playtime as a sweetener)
playtime
shower, brush teeth
story/reading time in bed
sleep

tillytoodles1 · 02/03/2025 18:21

I used to empty lunch boxes, hang up their clothes etc while the got changed to go and play for a while. At age 8 they didn't have homework that took an hour, nor have a shower every night unless they were dirty or sweaty.

Fatloss · 02/03/2025 18:22

By your timetable your daughter’s first free time is about 7pm which seems unrealistic and unfair - 4.30 - 5.30 showers etc, 5.30-6.30 homework- with a quick meal free time then becomes 7.

Can you have - change to home clothes (if can’t wear uniform) set meal time and bedtime (school days) and fit stuff around that - you will be reminding anyway - might be one day she is really excited by a project and homework first, another a new toy so play first or sometimes the current order.

jannier · 02/03/2025 18:24

Createausername1234 · 02/03/2025 18:11

She's 8 reminders are part of parenting until she's mid teens. Shower on getting home very odd, hour of hw over the top. Time to unwind and relax is needed....they don't get much playtime at school in many it's 15 mins am, the lunch hour means about 30 mins if they are quick and no pm break.
Get her in, remind to change, give snack hour to relax then say its any set homework look through bag together, dinner, bath/shower wind down all guided by the parent. She's not 14

Lookingforwardto2025 · 02/03/2025 18:26

Very normal for her age I would say. I have a just turned 9 year and we use Alexa reminders a lot.

Lookingforwardto2025 · 02/03/2025 18:27

Also one hour of homework at 8?! DS reads every weekday with me from his book folder and has two pieces of homework each half term. So discounting reading probably do one hour of homework in 6-8 weeks!

MissyB1 · 02/03/2025 18:28

That routine is all wrong for her age, and no 8 year olds don't remember what to do! It's your job to tell her what's happening and when.

I would agree with getting changed out of her uniform when she gets home, but why the shower then? Leave shower /bath until bedtime, it helps them unwind.

And she does not need to be doing an hour studying /homework, she's still a little girl!

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 02/03/2025 18:30

My 9 year old daughter would struggle with that regimented routine. And I wouldn’t want her to do an hour of school work after school- I would speak to school about that if they’re really setting an hours worth of homework a day.

can’t she just chill a bit after 6 hours in school? Why the showering straight away? It’s not a routine I’d like to follow and I’m 30 years older than your daughter

Dontlletmedownbruce · 02/03/2025 18:30

So what if she wears her uniform all evening? Obviously changing makes sense too but if it's an issue for her, so what? Buy more uniforms and less home clothes.

I agree that by 9 she should be taking some responsibility for her homework being done and emptying lunch box etc. But the nature of being responsible is it's something you control. If she is being controlled to a strict routine that doesn't suit her, she will behave more childishly.

I think you should chat to her about how she wants her day to go, emphasising that certain things are necessary, like homework. A shower twice a week should be fine at that age or more if she does intense training but she should choose when. She may prefer homework after dinner. Or straight after school before snack, whatever suits her as long as she does it. And it should only take 20 or 30 mins

Zeroperspective · 02/03/2025 18:33

I do think your expectations may be slightly too high. Maybe try and visual reminder of what you want DC to do? A chart with the activities stuck on with velcro so DC needs to put them in the all done column once completed. That said I'd also pick my battles, if you want certain things done in a particular time frame then add a clock/countdown timer otherwise as long as everything is in the all done column by bedtime then let it go regards to the timings/order of doing things.

At this age they can understand natural consequences so if the homework is not done by bedtime then they go into school without it completed and get into trouble. As long as they are aware of what needs to be done by bedtime and they are aware of roughly how long each activity takes then let them get on with it, if DC are well behaved in school then they will not want to get into trouble for not having homework done so the natural consequences will work beautifully, just let the teacher know you're trialling this approach so you are all on the same page. My DD will moan and tell me she doesn't want to do homework, I just shrug and say OK I'll tell teacher and that's enough to get her moving as she doesn't want to disappoint her teacher!

Floralnomad · 02/03/2025 18:34

Do 8 yo really need to do an hour of study a day ? I don’t think all children need strict routines , I think they need to be children . I’d probably insist on changing out of school uniform and then leave her be , reading at bedtime . Homework as and when needed .

moose17 · 02/03/2025 18:37

Your expectations are unrealistic she only 8

SuperTrooper14 · 02/03/2025 18:39

So what if she stays in her uniform until bedtime, OP? If she's comfortable, where's the issue? No one is saying you shouldn't dictate a routine at all, just be less rigid about the hour or so after she gets home from school and the shower.

You also haven't answered yet why she's doing an hour of homework a night. My DP is a primary school teacher and he says at her age it should be only around an hour per week, plus reading. Are you giving her extra study or is it the school?

BendingSpoons · 02/03/2025 18:42

My DD is the same age. She is good at taking herself off for a shower. She often quite likes doing this early (5pm). She does her reading in bed. Homework she does herself at the weekend. We sometimes do extra learning with her but maybe twice a week for 20-30 mins. She packs her own bag for school and is starting to remember to unpack her swimming bag. She sometimes does chores unasked e.g. emptying the dishwasher.

What is it that you actually need her to achieve? Does she need to study for 1 hour per day? In terms of emptying her bag etc, if you remind her does she then do it or need multiple reminders? A tick list might help in terms of chores etc. I think you are expecting quite a lot in terms of learning after a day at school. Is this 11+ prep or just general studying?

ScabbyHorse · 02/03/2025 18:49

That's very rigid and it doesn't sound at all fun for either of you. Chat to her when you are both relaxed like on a weekend and see what she says?

Flip

1 2 3