Ex husband moving abroad

[aggies87]

Good morning.

I recently got divorced after years of abusive marriage. Since he moved out things have calmed down and he is not bothering me currently and seeing children every 2 weekends and sticking to agreement.

He started paying CMS in January and he informed me yesterday that he decided to move abroad. Abroad is South Africa and maybe surrounding countries by Indian ocean as he found job in a hotel chain.

Now of course my CMS will be greatly affected but this is not my concern right now . He wants our children to visit him for 3 weeks during summer to wherever he might be. I believe different locations for hotels is a lie as I only found one hotel in SA for this chain. He claimed there are hotels is SA Thailand Maledives and Seychels as well as Mauritius. The name he provided for the hotel shows only hotels in South Africa. He suggested minor service for the flights so our girls can fly there without me to see him. The problem is it is a long flight and I have two children ages nearly 6 and 15. The 16 year old is fine but the 6 years old is very fragile. She has motion sickness even on the plane. She has anxiety when travelling. We travelled to Spain last week and she was vomiting all day due to stress and I was with her. There is also separation anxiety from me. I don't know how she could handle such a long flight without me with some stranger looking after her. Also I'm concerned about their safety in south africa. I don't want them to stop seeing their father but this is a bit extreme. Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening? I feel extremely uneasy with all of this and it gives me severe anxiety. I would appreciate your opinions. Thank you.

You could attempt to stop it with a prohibitive steps order.

but if you try to stop your children visiting their father do you think this could cause them to resent you as adults?

As above, you could go for a prohibitive steps order. Or you can say to him you aren’t comfortable with them traveling on their own and he will need to accompany the 6 year old if they are going out there.
Are you confident that if he got them out there he would return them?

Why would that be needed? He isnt coming to collect them. He expects op to do everything to facilitate it. Just dont do it.

but also id be speaking to a solicitor about the possibility an abusive man taking his children to the country where he is living. What if he doesnt return them?

Why can’t their dad come to see them in the UK while the little one is so young and fragile? The older girl can make her own mind up.

Wouldn't happen
He can come back to UK for 3 weeks and see them here until youngster agrees.

I wouldn't say anything just let him go and then tell him.

No, I wouldn’t be sending them. He can visit them here

I’m not sure what the law is in this but it would be a no from me. They wouldn’t be flying without a parent or family member he can come back and use his annual leave.

I would tell him to come back to see him for those few weeks and cite the 6 year old struggling with flying. 15 year old possibly old enough to decide for themselves and even travel by themselves.

I would put a prohibitive steps order on 6 year olds passport though for the future in case he agreed to the above and tries to take them abroad without telling you.

I suspect that he just won't bother to come back.

I wonder if he listed those nonexistent hotels in those places where getting CM from him would be a challenge to out you off chasing him for money? Is SA a RENO country?

Can you afford to live without his contribution?

Fortunately South Africa is a signatory to the Hague Convention. However the cost of getting an abducted child back to the UK can run into thousands of pounds. And if he moves to another country, that one might not even be a signatory.

Will he be able to afford two long haul return air fares? As he is the one moving away, he has to bear any travel costs.

If he lives in hotel staff accommodation, where would the girls stay?

If he's working, what does he envision two young girls doing all day for 3 weeks or even part of it? South Africa is not a particularly safe country.

For all those reasons, oppose this idea and tell him he can come to the UK to see his children. (He'd save on air fare, too.)

It would possibly be cheaper for him to come back anyway. Paying for one set of flights rather then 2 (or more if facilitating you/him travelling with kids) does he have parents or anyone else to stay with when he is in the UK?

Check with the airline about the unaccompanied minor service. I know some American airlines offer it for children 5 and up, but British Airways only do it for children 12 years and up. Every child must be accompanied by an adult so I don't think your 16 year old would count as an appropriate adult for the 6 year old although I could be wrong.

My ex had a similar bright idea to have our dc sent to his EU country on the unaccompanied minor service. Thankfully all the budget airlines require children to be 12 years old and he's far too tight to pay extra.

Hmmm. I've been kinda on the other side of this (went to court as my ex refused permission to take DC on holiday in Europe) but I can't see any judge agreeing to let an unaccompanied child fly for many many hours to SA with no idea of accommodation arrangements with potential for relocation to countries unknown against the resident parent's wishes.

Tell him he will need to take you to court as you refuse permission for your DC to travel. I don't think you are being unreasonable - nor do I think he has any intention of taking you to court. Nor do I think he will make any of the holiday arrangements himself.

He is welcome to visit the DC in the UK, of course, but if bet my house he won't come back.

If it's any help my ex threatened to move to Australia when we split up. He moved less than a mile away and hasn't seen the DC for over a year...

Yes just don’t send them .
He won’t be here what can he do . ?

He is leaving he doesn’t call the shots.
Tell him he can visit his kids he can travel.
Or just smile and say oh that sounds nice .

Sadly the relationship might just dis appear . That’s on him not you .

He's probably trying to mess with your head, just nod quietly for now but do some research on getting this blocked. Do not let your kids out the country without you or you might not get them back.

Google the safety of South Africa as a destination for women and children visitors.

Your six year old should not be doing this at all because of health reasons. Could you get a sympathetic doctor to confirm this? And your teen could be vulnerable as a young girl alone.

I'd say be very open and positive about him taking every opportunity to come to the UK to visit THEM.

Talk to him about his plans to visit his children and how you'll facilitate that.

Talk to them about how you want him to spend time with them.

He won't be arsed.

Stop engaging. When he talks about this, just say nothing. Until it's actually a firm plan, this is just going to cause conflict for no reason.

Mine's spoken about taking my kids to Dubai. It won't be happening (kids don't want to either), but I'm not causing a fuss now while it's theoretical, I'll just wait and see if he ever gets around to arranging anything (he won't), and say no when that happens.

It’s a long and not very comfortable flight. I’d just say no and refuse to engage further. He’s an idiot.