Frustrating family politics….need a vent!!!

[Bobbieiris]

I’ve posted on here a few times about this situation. My sister had an extremely traumatic event about 7 years ago….a stillborn daughter. Since then increasingly isolated …no work, friends, no school or hobbies for her kids etc etc. a couple of years ago she cut me off completely because she very aggressively shouted at a woman in a play park because she had a dog (yes, the dog shouldn’t have been there, but it was well behaved and it was just uncalled for to be so aggressive) . I tried to speak to my sister and tell her how worried I was about her and her children, and tried to explain to her that it’s upsetting to her children and those around her if she just flies off the handle (she does this a lot too) . She reacted by calling me a repulsive bully and she hasn’t spoke to me since. Her partner also phoned me and was extremely aggressive towards me.
anyway, my elderly parents are trying to arrange their will and need a trustee for my brother who is severely disabled . My sister refuses to discuss it (apparently because it involves me) and my mum is too scared to mention it to her because she doesn’t want to be cut off from her grandchildren. The whole thing is ridiculous to me, I just don’t understand how my mum pussy footing around is helping. It makes sense that as a family we should just get on with things and if my sister wants to cut herself and her family off from the rest of us then that is her decision? I know it makes me sound awful but it’s like this with every little thing in our family now and it’s frustrating. Also so awful the damage it is doing to my sisters kids. I know my mum is trying her best. And I can’t help but be a bit petty. My mum has been putting off coming to visit my 6 month old twins ( a two hour train journey away) but can go for a day out in London with my sister at the drop of a hat (My twins were very premature and spent time in NICU).
I know it’s petty of me to get so frustrated and things are complicated, but it’s just so difficult having to be careful about everything. I can’t even try to arrange a family meal or meet up without drama and it’s draining.

Have her partner and your parents taken her side?

Sorry that this is happening,OP. But your mother is responding to the push pull if your sister’s erratic and bullying behavior. She is timid and fears the aggressive backlash from your sister. She knows you aren’t going to punish her by withdrawing love and grandchildren so she feels safe putting you off. You and she are both losing out in terms of your relationship but she is caught in your domineering sister’s undertow.

@SwanRivers yes they both have. My mum has admitted that she doesn’t think that my sister and her family live a normal life and it isn’t good for the kids, but she would never discuss this with my sister or her partner.
her partner acted weird and told me I can’t talk to my sister, I have to go through him…seems controlling to me but I may be misunderstanding!
@pikkumyy77 I have said to my mum that my sister is being manipulative..she doesn’t see it.
i am so tempted to just reply to my families group email about the will and say right, my brother and me will be trustees (I have two brother) I am also tempted to say to my sister that I am by no means a bully and she needs to stop controlling my mum and dad like this, but I know that would cause a huge backlash and upset and I am just angry. I feel awful for getting so angry (as it’s so sad that my sister lost her daughter) but I can’t help it….everything revolves around her and I don’t feel it should, I feel the grandchildren (mine and my sisters kids) should be the priority

Oh and of course my parents and disables brother another priority… I can’t help but feel she is being a bit selfish

Aside from anything else, has your sister ever sought support to help her deal with the tremendous loss she suffered 7 years ago? From what you say, it sounds like she changed dramatically immediately after that (understandably).

@Sasannach no she refused to go to any counselling or to seek support, take anti depressants etc. she has always been strong willed and stubborn. She has dealt with it by isolating herself and her family. I guess it’s only been a few years and maybe people need time to seek support but it puts such a huge strain on the family. Not surprisingly the rest of the family now wouldn’t dare to discuss support with her

her partner acted weird and told me I can’t talk to my sister, I have to go through him…seems controlling to me but I may be misunderstanding!

Could be controlling or perhaps she has requested this.

It's so hard to look at it objectively when we're (obviously) only getting one side of a huge story.

Does your sister get along with your other brother?
You have to be straight with your mother. If she truly has the best interests of your disabled brother at heart she needs to get on with it. You have to step back unless it's sorted and it's time to put your own family first.
You have 2 young babies who should be your priority. This is time for them, for you to enjoy happy times that are irreplaceable.

You have a toxic and enmeshed family system that is entirely controlled by your sister (aggressive, bullying, demanding, controlling) and her children (victims who you think need rescuing). Your mother is both a victim in your mind and a rescuer in her own (perhaps). And your disabled brother is another important piece of the family puzzle.

Take a look at books on the subject:The dance of anger, by Harriet Lerner is old but good. google the Drama Triangle and start to recognize how your parts get chosen and how to step away from being victim, rescuer, or persecutor.

Stop worrying about your sister’s children. They are her problem and she likes it like that. Its also not uncommon for someone to be abused and controlled by their partner and also to be abusive to their own parents and siblings and children. Very often people get caught up in this kind of folie á deux.

It might slso be that your vulnerable twins kicked off a new round of rage and fear about her own still irth 7years ago. She may be more angry and aggressive towards you because she feared the loss of your twins , or because she is jealous they survived.

@unbelieveable22 no they aren’t close, whereas my brother and I are very close, my partner and I often spend time with him and his wife. He tries to arrange to meet my sister but she ignores his texts and calls or cancels last minute.
I’ve accepted that I can’t talk my sister into changing or accepting some help and also accepted that I will probably never speak to her or my nieces and nephews again ( I still send gifts and cards to them at birthday and Xmas though), but the way she treats my mum just infuriates me , it just seems unfair an unnecessary. I usually ignore it but the fact she is refusing to discuss something so important just doesn’t make sense to me