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Should I remove my child from preschool? What would you do?

12 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 28/02/2025 08:20

My son is 3, 4 at the end of March. Currently not diagnosed but most likely autistic and waiting for an assessment. He started preschool at the beginning of January and at first they wanted me to stay in the classroom with him so we did for about a month, he does a morning session 5 days a week.
for the last few weeks they have started getting me to just drop off and say bye like all the others except my child is crying a lot but then they say he does calm down but has lots of intervals throughout the day where he gets a bit upset but nothing they can’t control.
only now at home every day after pre school all he does is say things like “mummy always come back” because that’s what I tell him, he then goes on to say how he wants us all to be with him. How he misses me, he’s scared at preschool, he’s sad, he cries. This is what he will say. very simple language “I sad, I cry”
he has stopped eating in the morning and he has been having an upset tummy and running for the toilet and his bowels are off. I feel this is nerves because he is crying making himself choke and saying don’t go, stay home. I feel so heartbroken for him and I just don’t know what to do. I only put him in in January because I felt he needs to get prepared for reception in September but I feel this is just making it all worse and I really can’t imagine him coping in reception because he has a 1;1 with him atm and he is jsut about coping.
he has also started getting very angry and quite hyperactive after pre school, as awful as it is he swears at me as he has picked up language from his older cousins and as he is very easily led he will say things on repeat. So today he was angry and swearing at me. I held him and told him I love him and he said I don’t love you and it did break me a bit. I feel I am losing his trust but I don’t know what to do. He is usually so happy and at the moment all he is feeling is anxious and angry and lots of pent up energy I feel. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/02/2025 08:24

I would persist due to starting school in September

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 28/02/2025 08:25

I'm sorry your going through this, my son was 4 when diagnosed with autism. Me personally I would try to carry on with pre school, with reduced hours either few hours in the morning or 2/3 days. I say this as the pre school will then be able to support you with things.

IDontDrinkTea · 28/02/2025 08:27

I think you need to persist. He will learn to trust that you will always pick him up.

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TickingAlongNicely · 28/02/2025 08:29

Is this preschool attached to the school he will be attending in September?

If it is I'd work with them on a long term plan to help him settle.

If its unconnected I'd remove him as the change in September might be even more unsettling.

Ddakji · 28/02/2025 08:29

I honestly don’t know about the pre-school but I would remove him from the orbit of his swearing cousins - a 3 year old swearing is grim.
Is it worth having a meeting with the pre-school to see how they can help?

littleluncheon · 28/02/2025 08:30

The school environment is just never going to be suitable for some children.
Personally I think 3 is too young to be this scared and miserable.

Pigeonproblems · 28/02/2025 08:30

Is the pre school at the school he will attend? Does he have an EHCP yet? Could you maybe reduce to say 3 sessions a week, every other day? I agree with keeping him in, both to prepare him but also to speed up the support he will need in reception.

Onlyvisiting · 28/02/2025 08:32

If he is only going to be 4 in September does he HAVE to start then or csn you defer it a year? If he doesn't then that gives you a lot more time for him to be at home, get assessed and then work on whatever education plan is going to be appropriate for him.

Tradersinsnow · 28/02/2025 08:38

I made the decision to keep mine home when we went through similar. Ideally he would be learning that you always come back but if he is this distressed, it's hard to think that learning is happening. Not being able to cope with preschool doesn't mean he won't be able to cope with school if you take some time to regroup and rebuild his confidence. He's telling you with his behaviour that he is very distressed.

LIZS · 28/02/2025 08:49

When he says he is sad how do you react?! Validate his feelings but be positive. Tell him it is fine to feel sad and miss you because he knows you will come back and can do different activities. Make it sound as if you take the time to do things he would not enjoy.

EdithGrantham · 28/02/2025 08:50

Strategies I've used as a teacher that might help:

Start off with him only staying 30 minutes per session for a week, so you drop off, stay nearby but out of sight then pick him up, increase by 10-15 minutes every week until he's happy enough to stay the whole session.
In conjunction with this coordinate it so he starts the session mid-morning and stays until home time, this sometimes helps them to see that hometime is a "thing" and he can trust you'll be there for it.
A photo of you/family members in his bag that he can look at
Something of yours to keep in his pocket
A talking tin (nursery may have one you can borrow) you record a message e.g. "Have fun, I love you and I'll pick you up soon" then he just needs to press a button to listen to it as often as he likes

Geneticsbunny · 28/02/2025 09:11

I agree with the advice to keep going with it but to step back and do shorter sessions with lots of support. The talking tin idea is great. Could he take something from from home so that he can have it with him at preschool like a special toy or something of yours. Have you tried social stories for going to school? You could ask the preschool of they could help to make a photo story about going to school. Do they have a schedule up for the children to see so he can see what will happen during the day and count down to going home time?
How do you support him at home when he gets upset? Are there particular phrases that you use? Is there a quiet place he goes? Does he like cuddles?
Children with disabilities need to be encouraged to try new things and to be persitant, gently and with love and by people who understand them (i.e you) so they can be as happy and independent as possible as adults. The earlier you start, the easier it is as they get older. Please note that by saying this I am not supporting aba or forcing kids to do stuff which is too hard for them or impossible for them. As a parent it is up to you to make the decision about whether this is too hard/impossible for him at the moment or not, and whether it can be broken down into smaller chunks which could be manageable.

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