How to deal with this behaviour from teenaged DD's "friend"....

[HotDogger]

Hi. I'd like some advice if anyone has any.

DD(15) has had a friend since primary school who I've always had some concerns about (or at least I've always had some concerns about the friendship).

This could potentially be a very long post, but I'm going to try to keep it short.

Friend certainly has some nice points, and DD and Friend have been very close at times (to the extent that it was problematic if DD wanted to see someone else - Friend could get controlling in the past), but there are quite a few manipulative behaviours from her which I'm really concerned about in relation to DD.

She's always known EXACTLY how to push DD's buttons, and wind her up to the point that she will lose her temper to some degree, and then friend will smirk, or find a way to get DD into trouble about the temper loss (this was more true at primary school), or whatever.

Recently, friend has started to post pictures of DD (not really bad ones, but ones DD doesn't like - she's really self-conscious) online, and when DD asks her to take them down she will often refuse to do so. She'll just repeat "take it down please" in a mocking mimic, or say something like "of course I will", then later when DD asks again she says "I never said that. Stop being so serious and get over it". DD says this girl's behaviour makes her "feel like she's going mad". She's properly distraught, but says she doesn't have enough other friends to create any distance. Also, if I suggest DD distances herself she says "I can't do that because Friend will tell everyone all my secrets/turn people against me" or similar. Friend seems to be really popular (and considered very beautiful, is generally admired, good at organising fun activities, etc). I've always felt there was something a bit "off" about her emotionally (e.g., sometimes feels like she feigns empathy rather than actually feels it).

I've suggested I talk to Friend's mum, but DD has told me in no uncertain terms that I may not talk to ANYONE about it.

Is there anything I can do? I'm getting worried about some of the things DD says (particularly about how the "friend" makes her feel like she's "going crazy").

Sorry if I've posted this in the wrong section, by the way. I wasn't sure which one was best. Thank you again.

That’s a really unhealthy’friendship’ I understand your DD doesn’t want interference but sometime as an adult you need to step in and help. Does your DD see this girl isn’t being a true friend?

Get your dd into a hobby or a part time job.

Not really much you can do except support and advise your dd.
15 is much too old for mum to still be involved in their kids friendships, she needs to decide what she wants to do and sort it out herself. I think trying to talk to friends mum would make it worse.

These are images of a child. Report to the platform and get them taken down.

I think you need to call a spade a spade and tell your DD this person is behaving appallingly.

Your DD is being harassed. Start using the correct language. The perpetrator should be asked to stop and told if they do not then the harassment will be reported to the police.

What secrets anyway?

My dd at 14/15 had one of these, lived around the corner, only child,
was indulged at home, then one day in our home she made an insolent
and fascile remark to me in answer to a polite question.
My daughter sent her home and she was never spoken of again - different
schools, which helped avoidance.

Enlightenment has to come from your daughter but feel free to point out
her friend’s behavioural aberrations by all means.
This is blatant bullying, her parents will not want to hear this of course.

Speaking to her parents won't get you anywhere. Not at 15.

Personally I'd work on developing other friendships - encourage her to take up extra curriculars - sport, guides, any part time Saturday jobs going?

Just to reduce dependence.

Teach your daughter about what gaslighting is. Help her to understand what is happening and encourage her to not respond at all to her friend winding her up and to create as much distance as possible between them. She can be busy with other stuff outside school sometimes and invite other friends over on a one to one basis. If she gently and slowly backs away then the "friend" will hopefully find someone else to bother. Eventually everyone will realise she is horrible and back away from her or she will grow up a bit and stop being so nasty.

The only thing to do is help your DD work on her confidence until hopefully she starts to feel she can pull away from this child. Anything more on your part will entrench the friendship, a lot changes post GCSE so you might have to just bite your lip until then
Its horrible but at that age beyind encouraging your DD not to spend time with her there is not much else you can do

She is bullying your daughter.

Encourage your daughter to expand her social network asap, get her as far away from this girl as possible. She's no friend.

Your job as a parent is to sometimes do what your child doesn't want you to, for their own sake. I started to feel quite anxious reading your post. The girl is controlling, a bully and I wouldn't be allowing her anywhere near my child. I'd be speaking to the school and if they wouldn't help I'd be getting professional advice. Your child is being bullied.

@2025willbemytime me too, brought back a difficult time for us with the insidious influence of the ‘friend’ manipulative, sly, who not only bullied my easy going daughter but then presumed she could start on me.
The OP daughter’s friend sounds rather unpleasant and sadistic.

She sounds awful - I don't blame you for being worried. I don't think you should talk to the girls parents - even if they believed it and wanted to help, they'd talk to their daughter and she would take it out on your daughter.

I would ask her what sort of secrets does this girl know that would be so bad to get out there. Promise no judgement. This will help you to know if it is safe to encourage her to just cut this girl out or not.

If she's wanting to end the friendship, which it sounds like she does from the commented you've said she made, tell her to do it slowly. Start off by not being available every time this girl wants to do something. Not every time at first, but build up to it being more often than not. Encourage her to spend more time with one or more of her other friends to develop those friendships. Make sure she doesn't tell this girl ANYTHING she wouldn't be happy with the world knowing. The photos are difficult as I guess she'll struggle to stop her taking them. Maybe she could report every photo and say this is me, I don't consent to this image being shared? I don't know if they'll remove photos in those circumstances but worth a try. Remove any tags of her name if they can't remove the photos.

Hopefully after GCSE's the friendship will naturally drift apart.

Wow it shows toxic relationships starts early in life too 😥 when she goes off to uni or college she will make more friends and be able to distance better however might be worthwhile speaking to the girls mum on the side without either daughters knowledge. Maybe get her into a hobbie/club as a way to meet other people while also creating distance with this friend.

Sounds like your DD will need to be supported until she decides this friendship has to end. maybe watch mean girls with her and discuss the idea of frienemies.

Something needs to be done now. Not wait until she goes to uni where you have even less sight of what is going on.

No you should not be speaking to anyone's parents your child is 15 not 5

I will echo what a PP advised; try to help your DD understand what gaslighting is.

She sounds absolutely vile. I hope your DD can break away from her soon.

Have a look at the Childline website for a couple of things, firstly the on-line stuff, and how to report to CEOP. The website is really helpful and takes you through it. Many young people don’t report in case the police come knocking but as you know a lot it already, that perhaps doesn’t apply in your case.

Second, maybe sit down with your DD and look at the sections on healthy and unhealthy relationships. She needs to see what you see, maybe get her to call Childline, they are adept at getting kids to look from a different angle. What would DD say if someone told her they were being treated this way?

Tell DD to stand up for herself, end the friendship and cut off the ex friend.

I'd also be supportive of a punch right in the face.

It’s really tough dealing with this stuff at that age. That kind of “frenemy” behaviour is the kind of bullying most girls encounter much more than classic bullying, and it’s really destabilising for self-confidence.

It’s difficult for her to challenge it when the frenemy is likely part of her social and friendship group. Encourage her to put the girl’s nasty behaviour into perspective at home, so she knows that this girl is performing a form of covert bullying, probably because she’s jealous or insecure herself, so that she can distance herself from it a bit emotionally. Encourage her to gently pull away from this friend, and spend less time with her / spend time with others instead for a while. Can she be coincidentally “unavailable” online/for social interaction with this girl for a bit? Are there other girls in her social group that she likes and could spend a bit of time with for a change?

She may have to do the teen girl equivalent of “grey rock” for a bit until the holidays/end of the year when hopefully things wil reset a bit. Is she in year 11 when she might be able to go to another school away from the mean girl at the end of the year?

In addition to the above - I had a friend/frenemy at school who would do this kind of thing (it was pre online photos though, so her speciality was making unpleasant “just borderline enough” comments about me or my family, which I hated). She has not turned out to be a nice person in later life, though; and her judgment is still really poor (I can’t go into details here as too outing, but she has made a string of very poor decisions that have impacted really horribly on people around her and ultimately come back to bite her horribly on the ass).

Make sure your DD knows that the Michelle Obama thing of “when they go low, we go high” is actually a good way to be. People get their karmic comeuppance, and you need to disassociate your ego from their bad behaviour and understand that it’s fundamentally about them and not you.

It’s difficult to do as a teenager, but it’s a necessary skill for life — so just keep reminding your DD that it’s nothing to do with her, it’s the other girl who is mean, and to try to rise above it/grey rock as much as she can, and she won’t have to deal with this girl when she’s older!

Oh - and your DD should not let this girl take any photos of her from now on. Even if she had to mysteriously disappear to the loo when frenemy gets her phone out.

Hello. Just wanted to thank everyone very much indeed for the responses. Am reading and taking it all in. Will respond in more detail after work!
Thank you again - appreciate it hugely.