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Advice needed - what do you do when someone you know achieves your dream first?

21 replies

HappyLittleTreeFriend · 27/02/2025 10:28

Bit of a random one but I wanted some thoughts. It's always been a dream of mine to write a book and become a published author. I love reading and it's a passion of mine, has been since I was a kid - I am always reading something! I also used to write a lot as a teenager and in my twenties, but as life got more full with my own children, I stopped writing as frequently. I haven't stopped completely, in fact I've started multiple writing projects in the past few years, but haven't completed any - still, I put it down to being so busy with other things and hoped I would get back into writing daily or completing something when my youngest started school - she will start school in September. I also had thoughts about trying to start a book channel on YouTube - basically lots of ideas on how to try and do more in the realm of books, follow my dreams etc. I have in the past few months been feeling low about my future prospects. I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years while the kids were small but want/need to return to work in September to help with our family finances - however I am struggling massively with what I want to do, feel like being with the kids was so fulfilling for me and now I feel aimless and unsure of what to try and focus on work wise. My partner said I need to follow my dreams and what I love, and try to get work in publishing or writing, or take on a different job but try to complete a novel and try to sell it - easier said than done but I felt inspired after our conversations. Then, literally a day after we'd had a massive chat about all this, I discovered that my cousin (I'm not at all close to her, she's a lot younger than me and lives far away) is having a novel published and has a successful BookTok account. I am happy for her and feel impressed with how much she's achieved, but I can't help but feel sort of weird and lost again now with regard to my own dreams? I know I'm a good writer and it's my own fault that I haven't put the work in and finished a novel - after all, a writer writes, and I haven't been! I honestly don't feel bitter or jealous of her success, like I say I feel really impressed by her and wish I was more like her, wish I'd tried harder to do these things for myself at her age! But now I feel almost fraudulent in continuing to try and write, or in starting a YouTube channel, because now she has succeeded in doing these things first and is related to me? It would seem like I was copying her when I literally had no idea she was doing any of this or even enjoyed writing! I just feel deflated.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/02/2025 10:36

Stop thinking about her and start working on your OWN plan.

I was a musician in my spare time and for a while I had a pro boyfriend who toured the world. He had an ex who played the same instrument and was just starting to tour. Imagine how that felt.

What I did was use their success to elevate myself, to learn from them, to watch what they did etc - I could feel deflated and useless or I could feel inspired and start work on my practice regime like they did. I soon got used to the latter and then I had some success myself.

I think you have a perfect juncture coming up - September - when you get a reset. Get ready for it! Get lists sorted, get writing, get planning, learn etc etc. And enjoy it.

Life is not about your cousin but about you and what you are going to do. GOOD LUCK!

HappyLittleTreeFriend · 27/02/2025 10:58

Thank you so much for replying - that's awesome advice. That must have been so hard with the ex situation but definitely sounds like you did the right thing and used it as motivation. Which is 100% what I need to do, you're right! I just felt like properly shook, it was almost bizarre that she'd done these two things I had been dreaming/thinking about doing for so long (not BookTok exactly but the YouTube channel and obviously the novel) I just thought 'there surely can only be one of us that achieves these exact things in the same family' but I think I need to just put it down to coincidence and as you say even use it as an opportunity for myself, to be motivated and go for my own dreams! September will open up lots of productive time for me but starting now will be good too. I did actually write a bit on a project last night because I felt inspired by her success but then today I'm just doubting myself again, which is why I posted on here I guess - and thank you again @something2say for responding because obviously yeah this sort of situation must happen to people more often than I thought. It's just what you make of it 💪

OP posts:
something2say · 27/02/2025 11:03

Yes I think, get stuck in - forget her, thank the universe for the inadvertent shove and then get stuck right in with your plans.

No doubts, just do - as they say!

MumChp · 27/02/2025 11:04

Congratulations to her and then follow your path!

RachelLikesTea · 27/02/2025 11:10

I would view that as talent being in the family; that is a positive. But, also, yes, follow your own path. Maybe look for a job in a bookshop, join a book club and read as much as you can!

Pickupapen · 27/02/2025 11:10

Hello, so much of what you write resonates with me...! I'm also a haggard mum trying to catch a break.

Your cousin is totally different to you, the social media world is vast and there is plenty of room for your style & point of view, I imagine it will be different to hers? So I would say go for it.

I would love to read some of your work if you ever want to swap - dm me :)

Pickupapen · 27/02/2025 11:11

Also, I heard a great quote yesterday - wish I could remember who said it...

"A writer is a person who finds writing more difficult than most people" - made me chuckle!

Trendydiscussion · 27/02/2025 11:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GatherlyGal · 27/02/2025 11:16

It might be helpful to take small steps towards where you want to be.

If you've been a SAHM for ages then a part time job doing is a good start and it might not be a dream job or even a great one but it gets you on the path.

I agree follow dreams and do what you love but life isn't always that easy. Being busy and having purpose and routine might really help. Don't be afraid to start small.

Time spent doing is so much better for the soul than time spent thinking.

UnderHisEeyore · 27/02/2025 11:17

Had this happen 3 times with book, a certain degree and something that might be to outing. I still get bursts of remorse but realise it is my own fault for talking about my ideas rather than doing. The degree I literally was so excited about I inspired my friend to do it, so I guess at least my interest caused a change for someone else. I think the worry is that people will think you are copying them, but really there aren't many life events to "do" once you've got the house, job, child and have travelled, so it's not a leap that everyone wants to do the same stuff.

Dazedandconfusedma · 27/02/2025 11:17

Maybe look at it another way - there are many writing families, e.g. the Brontë sisters, Kingsley and Martin Amis - maybe you share literary genes and the fact she has done it makes it more likely rather than less likely that you can too?

CactusForever · 27/02/2025 11:20

I try to think of the advice ‘in a year’s time you will be glad you started today’.

The only way to build something is to find a million different ways to actually sit down and do it. Why don’t you take one small step today?

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 27/02/2025 11:28

I'm a wannabe writer too OP and it's HARD! I completed my creative writing degree (I would highly recommend DM me for details if you want to) but once the deadlines for the degree were over, I've found it hard to keep going - and I've written 15,000 words of my novel (it was my final project). I'd recommend a course or joining a writing group to give yourself a push to actually get started.

HappyLittleTreeFriend · 27/02/2025 11:47

I'm so glad I posted on here now all you guys are really lifting me up - and @Trendydiscussion I agree, I am waffling - something to look out for in edits of my work if I ever finish any of it ;)

@RachelLikesTea and @Dazedandconfusedma - you both said things that my partner said about the situation last night! He also suggested trying to get some work at a local bookshop and said that one way of looking at it was that now she has publishing connections and if anything it makes it more likely to happen for me! I need to keep that in mind!

@Pickupapen - I hope both of us catch a break soon, it's so hard trying to juggle everything isn't it! You are totally right, she does have a different perspective to me - although from looking at her BookTok we do like some similar titles, the book she has written is in a completely different genre and for a different audience than my usual preferences so yes, looking at it that way, there are many differences between what I want to do and what she's already done!

@GatherlyGal and @CactusForever - 'doing' is definitely the key thing here for me I think. I think I've been stuck in a rut for a while now and I need to get moving and get focused - a much needed kick up the butt from the universe to paraphrase @something2say!

@UnderHisEeyore - I'm sorry you've felt this way as well, and several times, it's a funny feeling isn't it. You're right, there are only so many big 'dreams' people have - the difference is actually boldly walking that path and I have to do it.

@TooManyCupsAndMugs - well done on the degree and also the 15 000 words! Deadlines do help motivate me - I've googled writers groups and workshops before but shied away from joining - maybe I will look again and join one. Even an online group could help with accountability and motivation!

OP posts:
Newgirls · 27/02/2025 11:49

Take action today. Book a course! Go to a book festival.

your cousin is showing you that normal people can do these things.

Happyinarcon · 27/02/2025 12:07

It might be worth considering if you are one of those people who self sabotages or mysteriously gives up on their projects half way through. I always thought I was just just too lazy to get started with stuff and then discovered it was all related to childhood trauma.

BraverThanTheyThink · 27/02/2025 12:08

It doesn't matter at all if you write on the same subject as cousin.

Whenever I've looked for a book about a certain subject, there are very many choices.

Each author it seems has their own way of writing.

You are valuable as you.
Your talents are your own
Start looking up to yourself, then other people will be encouraged by your ambition and determination.

Analogy = millions of women get pregnant and go on to have their babies.
My siblings all became pregnant and raised children.
Should I then not try to get pregnant, and go on to be the mum I want to be and what's best for baby and me?

Have faith OP, you could well become a role model for other aspiring writers.

Pickupapen · 27/02/2025 13:33

If anyone reading this is in Sussex, I literally posted yesterday about trying to create a local reading/writing group to help get some camaraderie going … writing can be a lonely thing, I’m finding

So please DM me if you’d like to join me to exchange notes/failures over a glass of wine or other liquid!

maximalistmaximus · 27/02/2025 15:01

I thought this would be about writing.

I try to write but like you life gets in the way.

2 people from my school class are published authors!

It stings.

But one's a man & the other never had DCs so they didn't have the motherhood penalty I had.

HappyLittleTreeFriend · 27/02/2025 16:57

@Newgirls - going to take your advice and do a step in the right direction today and get some more words down - I think I need to just make myself get back into the writing habit! Going to Google writer groups as well. You're right - normal people do these things. I need to start doing things I want to do, not just sit and worry about life!

@Happyinarcon - I've definitely been a bit of a self-saboteur in the past but more to do with relationships/self esteem issues when I was suffering periods of anxiety - in general I do manage to see my creative efforts through when I plan projects and I am pretty organised and so on - I think I just really need to commit to an idea (I have many) and get in the habit of writing again! And not put barriers in my own way, definitely.

@BraverThanTheyThink - your analogy about having kids is a great one to put things into perspective, thank you! And 'your talents are your own' - so true. All of us have something different to say and contribute.

@maximalistmaximus - it definitely stings when you see your peers achieving things you want to achieve, and writing is one of those pursuits that is hard to keep up with when you have small children as I've found myself, so hard to find the time and the head space! But I think with my youngest starting school in September and not going immediately into a full time job I will start to have some solid free time and life will feel maybe less relentless. Maybe not, we shall see! I hope you manage to carve the time out for yourself too - this thread has given me a lot of positive motivation today, I hope it's helped others too 💪💪

OP posts:
Newgirls · 27/02/2025 18:30

A group makes it real. Worth the time and cost for sure 👍

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