Hostile, argumentative, angry, grumpy 3 yr old DD

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Has anyone else dealt with this before?! DD has always been very headstrong but recently things have really escalated. She just shouts at us all of the time, barks orders for what she wants, ‘do this, do that’, screams at her little brother (1 yr) for making any noise and playing near to her. Obviously we don’t tolerate it and always say we won’t do anything until she asks nicely, try to encourage her to do things herself, and never let her shout at the baby. But it’s just becoming exhausting. Like living in constant fight or flight mode because we just don’t know what’s coming next.

She turns 4 in June and I was hoping
we might be through this phase by then but I’m not feeling optimistic. I feel like things really ramped up when we took her dummy off her last summer as that would obviously pacify her, whereas now she just gets the rage constantly.

Any top tips on how to ride this wave?? Have we done something wrong & enabled this behaviour? Waiting for a call back from from the health visitor today. Thanks for reading

3 is the worse age in my opinion. Does she go to school in September? That might help 😊

That sounds like really hard going for all of you! If she's behaving like this despite consistent parenting around boundaries, manners, etc., then it sounds like she's also in fight-or-flight mode. The question is why?

You say things have really stepped up lately. Any recent changes? More/different days at nursery if maternity/parental leave has recently ended? Baby brother getting more mobile and getting into her stuff? Even 'positive' changes can still be unsettling.

You mention it getting worse since you took away her dummy last summer. What alternative ways does she have to self-soothe? A favourite teddy to cuddle, a soft/fluffy/smooth piece of fabric to stroke, something to squeeze and squish with her hands, a sensory bottle to look at – there are lots of possibilities, but I'd try to think about what else calms her, and encourage her towards it as soon as you spot the first tiny signs that she's starting to struggle. She might also need big, active ways to work through her emotions, a trampoline, a swing, star jumps, being picked up and spun, things like that.

Does she have a space where she can get away from little brother and play with her toys in peace? Does she go to nursery or playgroup, and how does she do there?

@skkyelark thank you so much for taking the time to write this thorough and thoughtful response. These are all really good points and definitely points to consider.

you hit the nail on the head with the more recent change being that baby brother is more mobile now and just wants to be near her & play all of the time. Which she struggles with. She does have space to play elsewhere and maybe we should try to encourage it more.

She does go to nursery and having spoken to her key worker today about it all who said she is absolutely thriving there and no concerns whatsoever. So it seems like it’s a home thing. The key worker said it might be that she comes home tired & overstimulated from nursery and so any noise or difficulties at home might be amplified,

i don’t think she does really have anything to help her to self sooth to be honest. That might be part of the problem. She was very distressed when we took her dummy away but settled quite quickly after a week or so. But she has never really taken to a fluffy toy / special blanket or anything. I had thought about getting her a stress ball type thing that might help her in the moment. But I’ll have a think about what else might work and see if hubbie has any ideas….

thanks so much again for this x

Just as a suggestion but it might be worth trying her with an age suitable weighed blanket for self soothing. They’re primarily recommended for SEN but plenty of people find them comforting.