Am I doing the right thing?

[AML1103]

Hi All,

so my story is this. I have a 7 year old daughter with a previous partner. We split up when she was just under 3 but have always had a good coparenting relationship since, we get along most the time and have always agreed that no matter we put her first. I am now with a new partner and have been with him just over 2 years, we also have another baby. My daughter loves being at home with us, she loves her brother and gets on well with my partner so no issues there other than the fact that she keeps saying she wants me and her dad to get back together. The problems I have had with this situation in the past is, I took her dummy off her when she was 4 and he continued to give it to her so that’s when the whole “can I go to daddy’s house” started on my days with her.. it took about 6 months of persevering for her dad to finally get onto the same page and stopped giving her the dummy at his house. He then started sleeping in bed with her whereas at my house she has her own room and own bed that she has to sleep in and she hates it so when it comes to bed time she cries and cries saying she wants to go to daddy’s house and has admitted to me that if I let her sleep in my bed then she will want to stay at home. This has been an ongoing issue now for over a year, every single night I have an upset child and it’s draining when all I want is for her to be happy. I have done the whole “no, end of” and it makes her worse, she becomes depressed and hard to manage, I’m scared she will resent me if I carry on doing that. I have asked her dad to stop sleeping with her more than 10 times and he just isn’t capable of enforcing it all, he actually likes sleeping with her. The option of her sleeping in my bed is just not an option, and I can’t have her cousins always sleep over because it’s just not convenient. I asked her what she wanted to happen and she said to spend every day here and go to her dads at the night time, he lives about 10 minutes away so last night I agreed, and I said ok. She was so happy and I actually feel better but I have spoke to my family and friends and they have made me feel like the worst parent in the world. Basically making out like I’m neglecting her or that it’s just not right and she should be with me every night and saying things like “make sure you make her your 1st priority when you have her” when only a few weeks ago every one was saying that I give her “too much attention” I feel as though I can’t please anyone but I know what’s right for us as a family, I just want my happy daughter back and I still see her every single day so I don’t see why it’s such a big deal but wanted an unbiased opinion?

I'm not going to comment on the right or wrongness of the sleeping issue. Plenty of people will have their own opinions on that but in the end this is about your family dynamic. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with your dd spending nights at her dad's and says with you. It means she sees lots of you both and that's a good thing.

What I will say is this: you must do what is right for your child / family. So many people think there is a "right" way (ie theirs) and if you are going something different it's like an implied criticism of their approach. If what you are doing works for now, do it. Things change and it's highly likely she will want her own space at daddy's house at some point and then it may all change again. There are very very few concrete rules.

I think it is fine for things to be different at one house to another and at seven she is old enough to grasp that. Is something else making her insecure , new baby perhaps? Why not have her cousins/friends over occasionally, maybe during school holidays, convenient or not. You sre in danger of being the less fun place to be.