Lost all my confidence and I don’t know who I am anymore

[MovingOnUpwards]

Just what the title says really. Had my first DC 11 years ago and since then it seems to be a gradual dripping away of my confidence and who I am. I work from home, we moved areas a few years ago and I haven’t made any friends where we are. My kids are home educated for various reasons but this needs to continue so I have to keep working from home.
I just feel a bit empty and like I don’t know who I am anymore. My DH has encouraged me to get a hobby but I have absolutely no idea what I’d do. I don’t have the energy and I just feel a bit dull and boring. I have nothing really to say to people if I do meet anyone new, I just don’t know how to change this.
Any ideas welcome or if anyone else has got out of this kind of rut, please let me know how. Especially if everything seemed a bit bleak.

Lot's of sympathy from me. I experienced similar feelings. I have 2 children 7 and 2 and also worked from home which has it's pros and cons. Since starting another job in 2022, a charity with lots of people contact, it really has increased my confidence and also conversation. I started learning new things, wanting to learn from others and invest and develop myself. I'm not saying to get another role but I do feel putting yourself into a hobby or community group could be a good start.

@Someone94Somewhere Thanks, I’m starting a new role where I work so that might help but I don’t have the confidence I used to starting a new job. Totally lost with hobbies though, maybe learning something is the way to go.

I joined my local Rock Choir last year. Singing is supposed to be really good for lifting your mood, and everyone is very friendly. I'm no singer, but it doesn't matter - you never have to sing by yourself and there's no audition or anything like that, you just turn up. They do a thing called a 'taster' so you can go one week for free and see if you like it.

@theboffinsarecoming that sounds fun, my DH is in a choir but they did have auditions and they’re all really good. Might see if there’s somewhere that doesn’t care if you can’t really sing, I am pretty terrible.

I totally get this. If I had a whole day to myself to enjoy I'd likely end up watching TV and scrolling on my phone as I literally can't think of what I want to do - it have the energy. I do wonder if it's the latter too - after 11 years with kids maybe a lot of physical and mental exhaustion making choice seem like an effort!!

I also don't trust my own judgement anymore, so second guess myself . I'm always looking for others to tell or show me what's best (to do - e.g. for exercise, cooking etc and i think it spills over into 'fun'), even though I'm a competent person who does enough research and knows enough to make a good choice where needed.

I'm afraid I don't have a magic bullet as I'm stuck in the cycle too, but I do find that just doing something that isn't passive helps - e.g. so going for a walk or reading a book, rather than watching TV or scrolling. Somehow it unlocks a bit of my brain that goes 'oh yes, some things are fun to do'!

@MustardAndCustard that’s exactly how I feel. It’s like I’ve permanently got nothing left for me. I know the only way to change it is to start doing something but it just feels like a mountain to climb and I’ve no idea what direction to go in.

This sounds very difficult OP. When do you tend to get any free time? What’s the new role going to be like? What did you like doing before?

I understand what you are saying and i have been there. Rebuilding yourself takes time but it sort of becomes easier the more you do. I have found it helpful to think 'what's the worst that can happen?' about trying something different so I've tried circuit training, running, a pottery clubs and volunteering at a kids club. Each one has made me feel better and more alive.

What about smaller things like reading a book, growing something or even trying a few new new clothes. Or taking yourself for a day out somewhere like the seaside or garden centre.

What did you like doing as a child or teen? What gave you joy? That's a good place to start..

How old are you lovely? Could it be oestrogen depletion? I felt like a tired, anxious shell before getting HRT. It changed my life.

Thanks for the replies to this, it’s such a difficult thing to articulate IRL. Solidarity to anyone going through similar.

Just to answer some questions, I didn’t really have anything I loved doing as a teen/ child, without going into detail, my home life wasn’t the best. I think it’s part of the reason why I struggle now, I’ve got no recollection of doing anything that I really loved in the same way that my kids do.

I’m on HRT which has helped with huge amounts of brain fog. It’s like that’s cleared and there’s nothing left.

Asking myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’ is probably going to be helpful as I do tend to talk myself out of doing things.

Are there not home education groups you can go to so you get to know other parents in the same boat? Or take kids to cubs or scouts and volunteer to help

I feel like this advice is always trotted out on here but therapy could be helpful. Think of it as an hour a week or fortnight to talk about yourself without feeling guilty for boring your family or friends. Might help you figure out what you want for the future and how to value yourself a bit more

I am the same. I feel so boring!

However, I was on the waiting list for an allotment and within a year were offered one. Cost £18 per year in rent.

I was terrified once we knew it was hours and nearly gave backword but it is fantastic.
A new community. A mixed group of people, different sorts to my work/friends. Something in common to discuss.
I've never had an allotment before so take all the advice I can get.

Relaxed, fresh air, physical exercise. I am learning new skills, not just growing but wood work, laying a few bricks…I love the ‘make do and mend’/recycling approach.

It is so motivating. Photos each session, seeing progress.

It has also impacted positively on the food I cook and eat. I take great joy in giving away the surplus ( friends, food bank, community kitchen).

Packing a flask and walking down for a couple of hours, best thing ever.

Although this is about my allotment, the messages apply to anything that you find you enjoy. There has to be a ‘have a go, what is the worst that can happen’ approach. The allotment was a bit more pressured, we were ‘top of the list’ after a wait had to sign for a year. Say no and we'd missed our chance! But I imagine something like the Parkrun provides other similar aspects of community, exercise, motivation etc.

I think the ennui you describe @MovingOnUpwards is a lot more common now, in the post lockdown world. I've distanced somewhat from people too, I still keep my loved ones close, but I've allowed friendships to fade. Deliberately if I'm honest, I actually quite enjoy my own company!

Walking is great for clearing the head, and if you can walk somwhere nice (with nice views, in open space) it will give you a lovely lift every time. Do you have a dog? I find that chatting to other dog owners is usually enough 'peopling' for me in a day! There are lots of classes and groups for dogs and owners now too (agility and such like, or even just a walking group), where you'll meet potential friends.

Try Rock Choir then, anyone can join and there is definitely no audition!

@MovingOnUpwards how are you feeling today? Any more thoughts on what you might try?
I am trying today to do some gentle exercise, but am coming down with a cold so exhausted. It sometimes feels likes one step forward, two back....!

@MustardAndCustard was out with the kids yesterday and then had some unexpected free time after. I ended up doing housework!
At least you’re trying something, it’s a rubbish time of year for colds. I seem to get one after another in the winter.
New role at work starts today so will see how that goes. My current feeling is that I regret changing, I think it’s just nerves. 15 years ago I would have been excited.