Compassionate leave - help!

[Wingingit07]

👋 hello

I need some help please! I'm so very tired and exhausted so going straight to the question... I will need compassionate leave for MIL soon (we are very close and I have children). If work offer 5 days compassionate leave can I self certify for 7 days after? Or is compassionate leave considered as the sick leave? Would I do 1 week compassionate leave then need to go to dr for a fit note?

I'm basically unsure if you can self certify for 7 days after compassionate leave or if it has to go through GP following compassionate leave

Ideally I'd require 2 weeks off.

Thank you

@Wingingit07 I am sorry.

But don’t put a time limit on what you think you will need. If you are already exhausted can you take some time off now?

If you are in a senior role you might be putting pressure on yourself and if you come back too soon that might backfire as you might then need time off at a later stage.

@crumblingschools that's a good idea to look at time off now. Id only not thought to as we're in a midst of a big project finalising so I'd feel guilty taking AL right now but perhaps needs must. I will give that a think and perhaps chat to employer, thankyou.

Yes you can take sick leave after and this is what I did when my dad was dying/died. I got compassionate leave for a week, then got a sick note. Think I had six weeks off in total.

What happened to compassion? @Wingingit07 I'm so sorry there are some really grotty responses here. Take whatever company compassionate leave is allowed. Then self certify. Then talk to your GP about a FIT note if you need it. FiT notes send you back to work with flexibility to take some time as needed. I hope your boss is compassionate.

My boss sent me home and 'banned' me from returning for a fortnight to focus on my recovery from prolonged illness and eventually bereavement. I'll never forget him for this. It's what I needed.

Exactly this, just get your GP to sign you off. They won’t argue with you.

My work only gives CL for a blood relative, not in laws.

@BobbleHatsRule thank you for your kind response, it's made me feel better

That's helpful information, I tried to Google but the Internet throws up all different information and when you think you've found something you realise it's an American website...

Hopefully I'll manage with just compassionate leave but good to hear your experience and clarification should I be in the position and not ready

Hi OP. It sounds to me as if you are mentally and physically exhausted. Losing someone you are close to can be extremely upsetting and bring many emotions to the surface. It doesn't matter how closely related to you they are - if it affects you.
In your position I would take the bereavement leave offered and then if you are not well enough to return self certify for a week and see your GP if you need longer.
There is no shame in that at all - you may need time to process what has happened and grieve for someone who was a big part of your life.

People get confused by compassionate leave and grief causing emotional distress requiring sick leave

All workplaces have rules that specify e.g. parent or child and 3 days because otherwise some people would expect to take leave for their neighbour's dog.

However grief isn't boxed into these rules and that is where sick leave can be used or annual leave. For someone juggling a young family on their own and grieving an important family member annual leave isn't appropriate. It's just kicking the problem down the road.

Blood relatives only my arse. Tell that to children brought up by non blood relatives or parents of adopted children. Grief is not defined by HR rules and any HR manager knows that

Best thing to do is speak to your manager. A lot will depend on your workplace. Where I work, it's at management discretion because they recognise that a standard policy doesn't work - people have very close relationships/executor duties for non direct relations - Great Aunt Margaret may be closer relationship than your actual mother for example. It will also give your manager time to have a plan for covering you.

Compassionate leave will be for close blood relatives (or adopted I guess) only. You'll probably need to use annual leave. Your DH will be granted bereavement leave.

Hi op, when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told she had three months to live my managers strongly encouraged me to take sick leave and take it and put it as stress. I was her carer. This is what I done.

My mil died in November I had one days compassionate leave and one for the funeral. It was difficult but got through it. With my fil who is now terminally ill suddenly I know I'm going to need more as he's one of my favourite people and I adore him and losing three of our parents one after the other quickly to cancer has took its toll.

I've said to my bosses im going to plan to use annual leave for a week or two after the compassionate leave. Could you plan for this? If you can't cope with work you absolutely can use sick leave for stress. Mental health matters too.

I would be very surprised if your work offers more than a couple of days compassionate leave for an in-law - I went home the the day mil died (was a Friday) and had the day of the funeral - I will add my dh (her son) had the same plus had a day off to go the the registry office, funeral directors, florist and meet the vicar (all in one day).

I'm not sure a dr will sign you off following an expected death of an older person.

But it sounds like you actually are burnt out and that is the key issue, you can get signed off for stress if that is the problem, would be more certain than muddying and waters with compassionate leave which is very subjective and varies so much

Long term manager here, where ever I’ve worked if people suffer a bereavement significant to them they’ve generally taken sick leave for the immediate period if the compassionate leave policy hasn’t allowed for their relative. (Although on a personal level I hate compassionate leave policies which are too specific as they can be very unfair on people who’ve had a different structure). Never been a problem. People on mn always get really weird about the fact that people can use sick leave for a bereavement though, even though it’s been standard practice wherever I’ve worked. If someone is too distraught to work in my view their mental health isn’t good enough for them to be working. What I would say is 2 weeks would generally be at the upper end, quite often people will return for a bit before the funeral after the initial shock, as sometimes the funeral can be 3/4 weeks away!

Thanks all. I think an earlier comment of mine may have been missed, my husband isn't around.. we lost him but I was on mat leave at the time.

Thankyou for all your helpful comments, hopefully I'll manage on compassionate leave provided but good to know the answer to original post is that you can self certify after it if you are mentally and physically not ready yet, which I'm pretty confident I won't be ready

Where I work, yes, initial week of compassionate leave, then any further absence would be managed under the sick leave policy, so first week self-cert, then followed by doctors note for further days if needed.

Where I used to work, the line manager was able to give extended compassionate leave.

So basically it depends on the workplace and their policies. Read the relevant policy, that should give you all you need, and ask your manager or HR if not sure.

In my workplace it's up to managers discretion.
My in laws are like my second parents. I have known them since I was 13. In laws are immediate family to me. In my place people seem to have compassionate leave and then also go on sick afterwards due to stress.
It would be for me as I don't think I could function if anything would happen to them.

Take care OP xx

The length of leave taken largely depends on the company and your manager.

When my dad died my then manager told me to 'take as much time as you need'.

When my current manager lost her dad last year (she is also a solo parent as her husband died about 14 years ago when she had two children under 5) she had two weeks off and am sure she was told the same.

Both those are for actual parents but as someone said you can be closer to non parents than your actual parents. Am sure your manager is aware of your circumstances and, if they don't say 'take as much time as you need' I would be looking at away to move roles away from him / her.

💐

It sounds like you've been through and are going through a similar amount of stress as me. My husband has also passed away and my MIL is like a mother to me, and is a huge part of my childs life.

You can take compassionate leave according to company policy, take a week of sick for stress, and then your doctor can certify any further sick leave for as long as you need.

I can't believe some of the responses on here💐

This. This is your second bereavement in a relatively short time - one of which was your spouse - plus giving birth is a life changing event.

Becoming solely responsible for your children is hugely stressful - both these logistics and giving them emotional support as well as taking on sole financial responsibility. Plus the caring you may have needed to do for both DH and MIL. Oh and let's not forget that senior job that has responsibilities too especially as you are now sole breadwinner.

It's a lot of plates to keep spinning and, if you are struggling, you would be well advised to think about taking time off for stress before you get to breaking point as you would then probably need less time off overall. As the saying goes 'you can't pour from an empty cup'.

Thankyou all I appreciate the messages.

@henowner Thankyou for the response, yes it sounds like a very similar situation, I agree. It really is so upsetting, but as a parent you find a super strength to 'carry on' in front of them, it's tough.

That make senses regarding the process and clarifies my original question, thankyou so much

I was a GP. there are big debates on the GP forums about whether we should give sick lines in these situations with some being totally against it. I found this very harsh. I lost my husband when he was 50. I had 3 months off, one before he died and 2 after. My GP signed me off. I was in no fit state to work.

You are obviously very close to you mil which is lovely seeing as you have lost your husband. I would give you a sickline. You are not in a fit mental state to work. I think giving you a line for a couple of weeks would get you back to work in a more rested frame of mind and potentially save problems down the line.

A colleague of mine lost his son to suicide 20 years ago. It was devastating. He had a locum insurance policy that tried to refuse to pay out as they considered bereavement wasn't an illness, well technically maybe but grief is weird and people react differently. We need to look after our employees.

It sounds like you need some time off now, and perhaps some longer-term planning about how you will manage without mil. Whether that's by going PT or bringing in a nanny or whatever works

It's simple just just cite stress from grief on the sick paper.