I don't enjoy parenting and want to run away

[Unhappymum25]

Please be gentle and hear me about before making any judgement.

I'm a SAHM to two children, a toddler and an autistic 4 year old with PDA traits who will not do ANYTHING they are told to. DP is out of work at the moment so always home too. I had my oldest when I was 22.

I'm starting a new job in a few weeks.

I really don't enjoy parenting my oldest, it's really hard work and constant battles and me being shouted at, everything I say or do leads to DC having a meltdown and I'm just at the end of my tether. I keep having thoughts that I wish I'd never had them or that I'd love to just run away.

My DM came to visit recently and finally saw the full extent of autistic DCs behaviour and she said no wonder I'm struggling and she couldn't cope with just two hours.

Even this morning the youngest DC wanted me to sing head, shoulders, knees and toes and oldest didn't want that song so was up in my face screaming "not that song, not that song, not that song" repeatedly making youngest DC cry. Everything's just so hard.

I'm not sure what to do. I tried to talk to DP about it and I just couldn't stop crying. I feel like a terrible mum, I don't enjoy playing, getting out the house with them is just a nightmare and I feel really trapped. I love my DC so much I really do but I can't shake this horrible feeling that I regret having them and I wish I didn't feel like this.

I've had several miscarriages before and I know I should just be extremely grateful to have my children.

Can you get postpartum depression 2 years later?

Really struggling and didn't know where else to reach out for help.

Thanks

As I opened this i had a bet with myself that you'd have children under 4!

This is fully in the weeds but with extra added difficulty due to your child's additional needs. Please go to your GP because you may benefit from some medication. Your depression doesn't need to be postpartum to be taken seriously!

Is either child in nursery? Have you started the process of getting help for your oldest when they start school? Can you reach out to your HV or a local SEN group for support?

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds so hard 💐

Don't have much practical advice but just wanted to say I've thought the same (with only one, neurotypical child!) and so have most parents I know at one point or another. The fact you've come this far without reaching breaking point is testament to how great a parent you are and how much love you have for them 💜

Hopefully when you go back to work you'll start feeling a bit more like yourself? Obviously working and parenting is a bit more of a juggle but personally I found when I went back to work it gave me a bit more of a 'break' from the constant slog.

Oh OP that sounds so hard. I'm glad to see you are going back to work as I think having time away from the home will help you enormously.

In the meantime, while your DH is home, take the opportunity to spend some time alone with each child, it especially sounds like the little one could do with some 1-1 time with you, take them out to rhyme time or something if they enjoy singing.