I am already taking steps to divorce my H for domestic abuse. Somehow, the issue that hurts more, is how he allowed his family (my in laws) to treat me, and how he joined in with them in mistreating me.
Without fully giving the fully past decade of examples, what I can say is that my SIL resented me from day one, apparently because my husband getting married disrupted the happy little family dynamic they had of just her, my H, and their parents doing things together, and because my entering the picture took his attention off of her. That is my theory. There was nothing I could do to make things work with her - I tried. If I gave her a gift, she handed it back to me and told H she wanted one from him only. When no one was looking, she occasionally gave me her death stare of hatred across the room. And I truly had done nothing. She started all of this before I even had a chance to do anything and when we barely knew each other. She mobilised her parents to leave me out of things constantly. The biggest problem was that she created many situations where my husband had to choose between her and me, by trying to take over moments that should have very obviously been about him and me. Moments included the birth of our third child when she asked him to fly 10 hours away from me to be with her just 11 days before our baby was born (and this was hanging over my head for months during the pregnancy) and my husband did it. He did make it back for the birth, but it was very stressful to be left caring for my two toddlers that late in pregnancy (36 weeks) even if it was only three days. She also got him to go on holiday with her and her parents without me - and he tried to somehow blame it all on me - he was very tricky about it. She also to him to host an get together she wanted (which I expressly said I did not want on that day) at our house on Mother’s Day. She was impossible to discuss anything with, and she managed to get him to think she was a delicate soul and a victim when I asked if we could have a break from her crashing at hour house about 10-15 nights per month when I had a newborn, or if I asked her to bring milk when she came to stay because she often used our milk for bulimic purges and left none for breakfast in the morning (although she left vomit in the shower and toilet for me to clean). I felt sorry for her for much of this, but she did not want my help or support. She made her hatred clear.
while I feel angry with SIL, I think that it all would have been ok if H had my back. Instead, it usually felt like he and she both ganged up on me together. He often made excuses for her and defended her for things she did that were hurtful, whether it was a birthday “hostile takeover” or once more finding some reason not to include me in family events (eg, because she heard I had a sore throat). He kept making excuses for her instead of standing up to me.
marriage counselling didn’t fix it. I caught him rolling his eyes at her about me, even after MC. Even after he said he would set boundaries. It seemed like a small thing, but it was proof that he hadn’t changed. And when I spoke to him about it later in private, he blamed me and said he rolled his eyes bc I moved to a different bench to make more space for the kids. I was pleasant when I did it, and I even did it at his suggestion. He lied and said I made a big deal when I did it. That wasn’t true. But even if I had, the eye roll was inexcusable.
I know some of the most painful betrayals in marriage are affairs. In this case, I truly feels like SIL has been the third wheel, the wedge, the other woman, even if it’s not an affair in that traditional sense, it has felt like my spouse favours this other person who delights in taking what should be ours as a married couple. And my husband has HER back and thinks she is great. He is the one who didn’t choose me, and that is what hurts. Because I was fully committed to him and gave it my all.
Can anyone relate to this kind of betrayal? Does the pain ever go away? It’s made me feel so devalued and unloved and unwanted. I am already divorcing him for his years of sneaky and manipulative DV (only some obvious, most disguised as accidents), but I wonder if I would SILL divorce for this reason, even if there hasdnt been DV.