Struggling to support friend through breakup

[brassandswitch]

I'm finding it really difficult to support a friend through a breakup, and I'm not sure what to do. Shes someone whos always been in and out of relationships she meets someone, it lasts a few months, she ends it, and the cycle repeats. A year ago, she finally left an abusive relationship that lasted five years, which was incredibly tough on her (and to be honest, on me too, as she kept going back and forth). Even before that, she had a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships.

Six months ago, she met someone who was actually nice, but he ended things with her out of the blue. She's never been the one to be broken up with before, and she's genuinely heartbroken. I want to be there for her, but for the first time, I just don't know how. I've still been messaging and seeing her, but I feel stuck on what to say or do. I've been through heartbreak myself, but it was over 10 years ago when I was much younger, so I feel out of touch with how to help.
I sent her a message being honest, saying I don't know how best to support her emotionally or physically, but I'm here for her. I also asked her to let me know what she needs from me because just asking her how she is every other day doesn't seem to be helping.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you support a friend when you feel like you have run out of the right words?

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She sounds incredibly draining.

I think that's it, I'm so drained from years of it I now don't know what to do or say

I'm not sure I would describe someone who has been a victim of abuse and trauma "draining" in that way. It places unfair blame on her for emotionally struggling with the unacceptable and harmful behaviours of someone else done to her. It also makes perfect sense she's made repeated attempts to leave given the gaslighting and emotional manipulation and fear that exist in abusive relationships.

I think op it is fair to say that you aren't sure how best to help her, but then direct her to someone who can. Offer to help her find a good quality trauma informed therapist with good understanding of domestic abuse. There's also freedom programs she could do. Ultimately she needs to identify a safe place where she can explore the cycles she's been caught up in and learn to identify how to break them. In the meantime, you can just be a good friend. Spend time together, go out and do fun things. If she has someone to be her source of self reflection then that takes that role off you and you can just be there for her and try to support her inject some more richness and fun back into her life.

Lovely people who’ve had awful times can still be draining. OP shouldn’t be shamed for feeling that. Those of us who have truly tried to support really troubled people know how draining it can be.

It’s a good idea to suggest therapy though. Other than that keep up the check ins and be a friend but it’s not your job (or possible) to save her from feeling how she feels.

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