Desperate handhold needed

[Peppermintpatty56]

I don't know what else to do but write here. I'm devastated and I've never felt more alone in my whole life.

My dh and I have been married for 14 years, together 21. We've had A LOT of trauma and shit. We have 4 kids and 2 are quite severe SEN. Another has complex medical issues although she's an adult now. I also have chronic illnesses and they've been multiple hospitals admissions, we almost lost our dd last year. It's a lot of stuff accumulated over a lot of years.

Admittedly we've lost ourselves in the stress. Recently dh has been signed off work with stress and I know it's bad. But I thought we still had the strong foundations. We've always had strength and humour. It's been hard, but we were a team.

He drinks to cope. Not loads, but he does. He knows it's a problem, I know it is too. If I had to label it I'd say high functioning alcohol dependant.
There's resentment from me about it definitely and there's resentment from him that he's become my carer as well as husband and I'm a different person in a lot of ways. I know I've lost myself.

Tonight he told me he thinks he wants to move out. He thinks we'd be better apart and we'd both get space and respite. Im absolutely devastated. I agree we need work, but I thought that's what we could do together.
I'm not sure he wants to.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Really sounds like you have been and are still going through so much.
Have you got family or close friends who can help and support? What you have been through together will have put a strain on your relationship.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Of course you will have been changed by your life experiences and traumatic events. Be kind to yourself.
Keep talking sounds like you have faced so much together. Is he ready to get help for his drinking?
He needs to recognise his responsibilities but maybe saying he is struggling is a first step?
Think about what you want and need in all this. Try to get some sleep if you can.

Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.

I'm close to my mum but she isn't in great help herself so she isn't as active with the kids as she once was. I think part of the problem is we don't have a support system apart from that. We have friends but they're caught up in their own stuff and I feel I have become distant from my friends because of my illness. I did call my mum earlier, she was really shocked

Our youngest has been quite difficult (under statement of the century). He has severe ASD and ADHD and is at a specialist school. He literally can't be left alone for a moment.
I've asked for help with repute before, even contacted social services about it but nothing. It's so hard to get any help at all.

He just said earlier that we're absolutely fucked and he feels broken.

I think he is willing to get help with drinking. What he didn't seem to see tonight is move out and some triggers might be removed, but he'll ultimately still have the same issues unless he gets help for them

As for what I want... I still love him and think/thought we were strong.

But I'm not talking him into staying married to me, I don't want that. And it will absolutely break my heart if he leaves but if he admits he doesn't love me in the right way or that he doesn't want to make it work then he can go because I can't live in limbo or middle ground.

You could look at your Local SEN Offer for help for your youngest. I know resources are scarce. His school may know what others have managed to get access to or be able to make other suggestions.