New job - Mum Guilt

[MumGuilt101]

I recently got a new job. It’s quite a big jump up from my previous post. Now I’m managing a little team and making decisions and lots of other new (anxiety-inducing) stuff. It is well out of my comfort zone.

I’m excited about it. But the adjustment is pretty huge and it’s going to take me a little while to get into the swing of it.

My lovely daughter is 11. She is so kind, bright and sunny, we have a great relationship and we’re really close. But she’s having some friendship issues at school just now and her mood hasn’t been great.

I have had to work some extra hours the last few weeks to make sure I’m on top of stuff. Work has always been important to me and it is admittedly a big part of my life. But I finish early to pick her up from school three days a week (I work a compressed hours arrangement to allow me to do this - my new role can also accommodate this), my husband does the other two days - then I’m with her all evening, dinner, take her to clubs etc. I don’t log back in until after she’s in bed (not asleep, usually in her room drawing or reading) and I work late into the night. The balance is difficult sometimes but it works for us, or so I thought.

She is furious with me anyway. All I think about is work, apparently. I’m not being a good mum. Work is more important than her etc etc.

I’ve spoken to her about careers/importance of earning power for women etc. I have emphasised that she will always be more important, but that my job is important too. The nice things we have/do because I work etc. Husband has spoken to her about her attitude towards this/me etc. She still maintains I’m a crap mum and that I should not have taken this job if it meant I’d have to work all the time.

Hm, I feel like utter crap. Feel like I shouldn’t have taken the job if this is the effect, particularly as she is clearly going through something with her friends. Husband thinks she just knows how to get to me and she’s in a funny mood/place right now so she’s lashing out. He’s always there and present and supportive, but this doesn’t seem to help because it is me that she wants.

As an aside, in the meantime we’ve been trying so hard to address these friendship issues (which are actually really quite minor but they are real to her, and they cause her some anxiety), I have spoken to her teacher who has tried to put things in place to help fix the issues, but really she needs to stand up for herself a little bit too, and she just wont/can’t do it 😔 we’re working hard on it with her.

You’re wrapping yourself in knots to be as present as possible, go easy on yourself.
sounds like your daughter really needs you but probably can’t quite work out what it is she’s actually needs from you so is lashing out in frustration.
must say whenever my daughter has had friendship issues I found the best approach was to just let her talk, encourage her to journal and reassure her how wonderful she is and she will work this out, really try and encourage her self belief, sometimes going to the teacher etc (unless of course it’s outright bullying or something) can make them feel even less in control than they already do with the challenge they are facing.
anyhow, stay calm, stay present, have some healthy boundaries and keep talking, this, like all things, will pass x

Thank you so much for replying 🙂

I love the idea of journaling. I do generally just listen but she gets very anxious and upset. This is why, after a lot of deliberation, we decided to speak to her teacher. I really needed someone there to just be aware of her turmoil and I think on balance it was a positive step. I feel like someone is looking out for her.

My mum worked a lot and I found it really hard. I will be honest and say it’s affected our relationship for ever; but I do understand why she did it and she is financially secure. I think it’s important you are still present as much as you can be.. I also think for me I was an only girl and I was desperate for my mum to be my best friend and I didn’t feel she had enough time for me and wasn’t emotionally available enough for me; I still think this now. I wonder if it’s not as great as you think it is from your daughters’ POV actually. Especially as her friends are problematic and she is just going into such a complicated time of life where she needs to feel you are definitely there. It’s a hard standard to reach for you with a big job aswell but it is super important to her to feel heard by you and know you are there. I said horrible things to my mum and I know now I did it because I was testing her to see if she was really there for me and I was pushing her to show she cared. She didn’t respond in a way that reassured me and it’s affected me all my life and our relationship. I read your post and thought that’s exactly what your daughter is doing. You need to tell and show that you love her unconditionally and this job doesn’t change that. Don’t get dad to defend you because it’s about you being there and her feeling secure. She is not feeling secure currently and is testing you by your response. Good luck x

Thanks. That’s an interesting perspective. Out of interest, when you were pushing/testing your mum and she didn’t respond the way you needed her to, what did she do? How did she respond?

I work full time. I find the best remedy for when I've had a busy few weeks is some one on one time, out shopping, afternoon tea type thing. Just her and you.

@MumGuilt101 she’s a very silent person, i don’t feel she ever offered verbal/obvious réassurance that I was important to her - she assumed I felt I was, but I truth I didn’t and still don’t that much. She didn’t really seem to want to spend much time with me - or that’s how it felt. Even now we don’t do anything just us really and I notice other mums’ and daughters’ do. I opened up to her on several big occasions I recall - problems with my first ever boyfriend, one time (maybe I was 16/17?) I told her I needed the morning after pill and she was furious and refused to come with me or take me to the pharmacy for example. I doubt she’d even remember that now but to me it’s vivid. I think as a teenager I read it as me giving her another chance at closeness with me to prove she was my ‘best friend’ and she threw it back in my face. That’s how it felt over and over again to me. I’d say definitely do as much as you can with your daughter - just you and her, and on her terms often. Show her very very clearly you are emotionally available for her and listening and her ally. I recall another episode maybe I was 12/13 and having issues with two girls at school, one of whom was bullying really, and the other mums were very involved with school and engaged and my mum wasn’t and as a result the teachers involved really took sides and my pov was largely ignored. I feel even now if she had made time to call the school or go in maybe that period would’ve been better for me. My dad was very involved in bringing me up and we are very close; but I still resent my mum now for the things I’ve mentioned above. She always would say things like ‘oh you don’t need me- you’re so competent!’ Which perhaps I am and more so now as an adult; but it felt like she’d sort of switched off from me. I say all this and say to you - really listen to what she is saying- because I suspect if you asked my mum how our relationship is/was; she’d have said ‘great!’ When it wasn’t for me. Xox

Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it and I will take it on board x