Best way to say “no”

[Icantremembermyusername]

Hi. Thanks for reading. I have a rather needy friend. Before her divorce I saw her once or twice a month. Now she sees me as a safe place and is inviting herself over almost every night. I don’t want to say ‘no’ as I know she wants company but I am starting to resent the amount of time she spends here. I have zero self care, by the time she is gone I eat tea and go to bed. All of my down time is taken up by her or my partner. But she eats into the time I’m with him. So, even if I say, I’m seeing so and so, she will still come round.
i don’t want to be mean but I need my life back. Any advice (both kind and brutal, preferably kind :-) )

Sorry not tonight, I need some time with husband / kids / family ( use whichever appropriate ) I'm having a bath / I'm not free / tonight doesn't work

I don’t want to say ‘no’ as I know she wants company

No is exactly what you must say. You can be honest without being unkind.

She will be upset, you can't avoid that, so long as you are clear - don't lie, tell her straight that you know she's hurting but you need your own downtime - it's down to her if she is offended

Go to some kind of hobby or something one evening a week. After a while she will hopefully know people there and go herself. You can chill at home.

I'm the meantime tell her in advance that you're not free on Wednesday or Thursday this week as you've got things to do and gaming date night with partner but you'll catch up with her tomorrow and Friday or something. Just set the pace.

This is sillY, OP. What’s more important, the feelings of someone insensitive to be a nightly drain on your resources or your own? Just be frank.

“I’m not free but please come from 7-9 on Thursday”. I will look forward to seeing you then”. Then, at the door, “Thanks for coming, it’s been lovely. I’m free next Wednesday from 6.30. Shall we do that?”

Bright, breezy and immovable. Don’t say why you aren’t free.

You definitely need to start making yourself less available to her. She's obviously going through a tough time and leaning on you a lot and that will naturally come to an end, but so too will your patience. Start saying no without offering an explanation, or if pressed just say you need some time to yourself/with your DP/whatever.

It's not OK for her to demand so much of your time and attention. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

The best way to say no is no! Tell her that you understand xyz... but you need some time to yourself to do your own thing.