Sex concerns

[Indifferent33]

Okay here we go. F35 w/ M33. Happens to be the ex of my previous best friend - he hates her, I miss her, not discussed if possible. She is also my ex sexual
partner from when teens. Boundaries have always been loose and discussed openly.
Prepared for judgement from posters but she gave the okay for it before deciding 6 months later she wasn’t that agreeable as it was going well. Until then was very amicable and have all been friends for a decade min. Been together just over a year.

on to my problem now you have the soap opera background… which doesn’t really feature.

As good friends with partner prior to getting together sex has always been a little awkward/clinical… no passion or spark. The first time was a drunken whoopsie, which was confessed to friend who was v happy that ex was moving on from her and pleased it was with me as would be good for both of us and she was with someone else.

currently a year ish into relationship. Whilst v comfortable and like living with best friend… sex is hard… or not as the case may be. He claims to be attracted to me (I’m skinny, tall and have no boobs whilst ex was tiny with huge boobs) but sex is still passionless. I have a high sex drive, would happily go multiple times a day and have never had a relationship like this - there was no honeymoon period where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other etc.

He works from 3.30pm till 1.30am. I work 9/5 usually. we have a camera to check our dogs and I have seen that around 6am he decides to ‘entertain himself’. I have no issue with this as I ‘entertain myself’ frequently… BUT that is because I need the release and my partner is not interested. I am however willing to entertain him, in whatever he desires but he’d rather entertain himself. With porn. Though he appears to be typing irregularly whilst watching. I don’t believe he is ‘text cheating’ but I’m not sure what else to think - does anyone else constantly change their search on porn or do you just watch what you load? Is it possible he’s looking thru previous videos of an ex? Though he doesn’t appear to often manage to finish… you know what I mean.

I’m not the type to go thru his phone and check. I have too much respect for him for that.
I have also brought up that if he would rather be alone I’m happy to leave as it was kinda circumstances that brought us together… happy to end it with minimal hard feelings as basically family and I want him to be happy but he claims he loves me and wants me to stay with him.

i am incredibly open about sex, happy to discuss and open to try anything that he might be interested in so I have no doubt that it’s not some secret fetish he dare not tell me. He’s already admitted that he feels unbelievably comfortable with me. I just do not know how to approach the problem without making him shut me down and out._

I love the stupid bloke and know he feels the same about me. Our family get on great, everything is perfect. Unfortunately I don’t think this extends to our sex life and yet we are kinda perfect in every other way. I’d rather not resign him to the friend zone as plans for our future are perfectly in sync.

any advice is bloody welcome cos this sucks. Again - please don’t hate on the weird dynamic of dating a friends ex, it wasn’t a problem previously (we have had a previous relationship together and with others) and is not relevant to the current problem.

can someone give me some insight to where his head is at??

I'm not sure why you got in to a relationship with him if there is no spark and the sex is rubbish.

I think if you're only a year down the line and there's problems like this it's not going to lastor it's only going to get worse. It's not like you've got years of love to build on and you're glued together by children.

I'm not sure what relevance it is that he's your friend's ex and you've also shagged her but what really stood out to me was that you've watched him masturbating via the dog camera and not switched it off. You've carried on watching him to be able to tell what he's doing and whether or not he finishes which seems like a massive invasion of privacy to me. I'd genuinely end it with you if I was in his shoes and found that out.

The future is a very long time and your future plans aren’t completely in synch if yours includes sex with a partner and his doesn’t include sex with you. Over time his lack of interest you and clear interest in porn will grind your self esteem and self worth down. It’s been just a year. Tell him that it’s not working for you, break up, make sure that with the next people you date you don’t overlook things like this whilst trying to tell yourself everything else is perfect.

This is a huge clusterfuck.
You're never going to have a successful long term relationship with a man who is your best friend's ex, who you also slept with.
Top it off by watching him wank on the dog cam and you have a Jeremy Kyle special.
Absolutely not.

You’re watching him masturbate and trying to work out what he is using as material? Have I read that right? Absolutely bizarre post!

Bin him off.

Ah yes, but she draws the line at searching through his phone.

Exactly.
It’s time to say goodbye to this relationship. It’s not doing either of you any favours

Not the type to go through his phone... but the type to spy on him daily... very respectful 🤔

Yes OP I think your whole thinking about this is totally wrong. You’re fixating on why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. I think you should look at yourself tbh- watching your partner doing that is really not on- I can’t believe you think it’s ok.

This

It all sounds a bit of a messy nightmare tbh.
No idea why you'd find yourself in this unusual position with a man who is uninterested in sex, or bad at it. Why bother?
You say you're incredibly open about sex - so just ask him. Say "I don't feel much of a spark between us, do you? Is there anything we could do to change that?"
Or instead just....move on (what I would do!)

Thank you for the insight. For the dog cam bit, it’s not so much me catching him it’s more that I go to bed early and wake up around 6am. After having to go wake him up repeatedly to get him to go to bed I now check the cam before getting up. He is completely aware of and okay with this. As a person that mutters to myself frequently and having being caught by said camera doing so, I agree that the camera is an unhealthy option that I have asked to be removed without success BUT not what my post was about.

I have tried to talk to him about it all but he just says that his ex made him feel worthless and refused sex to the point of putting a pillow between them so aside from trying to make him feel safe, secure, loved and desirable I’m not sure what to do?

Apologies, I do not think this is okay. I have only accidentally seen him doing this, whether checking cam to see if I need to wake him to go to bed or wandering thru to nip to the loo and watching him jump
out of his skin. He is the one to come to the bedroom when I have questioned him and announce he cannot manage the ‘end game’ and would I assist… has no answer when I ask why he attempts alone when he could have a partner in crime.

Honestly I can’t say 🫤
Comfort? Safety? Acceptance maybe? Relationship wise it’s great. Just sex.
id just spent 8 years alone caring for my mom after her teen son chose to um, exit early, whilst caring for my daughter with a rare auto immune disease and a terminal grandad. He already knew all this for years so my baggage wasn’t an issue. Neither was his unconventional family etc.