Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

'That adhd' weird way to talk about it?

22 replies

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 17:50

We have a relative who has ADHD and when referring to her my DM insists on saying she has 'that ADHD'. Today I challenged her and asked her why she says that because it sounds to me like she is dismissing or not believing the diagnosis. She said she is doing neither and that everyone calls it 'that ADHD'. I disagreed and said i know no one who would say that. I mean you wouldn't say someone has 'that cancer' or 'that arthritis' or whatever. I am trying to clarify my thoughts on this. This isn't a good thing to say is it?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 17:52

The missing word in that sentence is 'new-fangled'. And as a woman with ADHD with a DD with ADHD, it makes me Hmm too.

olympicsrock · 17/02/2025 17:52

It’s rude of her.

Original poster
ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 17:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 17:52

The missing word in that sentence is 'new-fangled'. And as a woman with ADHD with a DD with ADHD, it makes me Hmm too.

Yes that is it exactly. I know she is old (84) but there is no need for that attitude. She gets cross at me all the time for challenging her about stuff but she drives me mad. She used to be so open minded and now she has become a Daily Mail drone.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 17:56

At 84 I'd smile and wave Grin

Original poster
ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 17:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 17:56

At 84 I'd smile and wave Grin

Never happening!

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 17/02/2025 17:58

It sounds as though your DM doesn't 'believe in' ADHD being a 'proper' condition so adds the word 'that' to show passive contempt perhaps?

Her justification that everyone says that - erm, no they don't!

Well done for challenging her.

SunnieShine · 17/02/2025 18:00

I have ADHD and that wouldn't bother. At 84 she is entitled to think what she wants without being lectured.

saveforthat · 17/02/2025 18:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 17:56

At 84 I'd smile and wave Grin

Yes this. She isn't saying she doesn't believe it (she may not but she isn't saying that). At 84 how many years do you think you have left with her, can't you just enjoy them instead of berating her for not keeping up with the times?

YoureLightning · 17/02/2025 18:05

saveforthat · 17/02/2025 18:01

Yes this. She isn't saying she doesn't believe it (she may not but she isn't saying that). At 84 how many years do you think you have left with her, can't you just enjoy them instead of berating her for not keeping up with the times?

Show quote history

People like this usually keep up with things that suit them, and then they (or other) use age as an excuse for them not keeping up with other things.

Original poster
ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 18:06

I think one of the issues I have is that she used to be a social worker, as was I before I retired, and I know how important language around anything is. She knows this too. I also wouldn't like her to say this in front of the relatives family as there have been other (unrelated) issues and I don't want her to come over as critical.

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 17/02/2025 18:12

My mum is 87, she doesn't understand DD's ASD/ADHD diagnosis so we don't talk about it, DD is masking when she meets her but it's only twice a year due to school and my mum living abroad.

My PIL (similar age) do try and understand it better but we had to correct them a couple of times when they asked about "when will DD be cured".

It's easier to avoid the topic.

YoureLightning · 17/02/2025 18:15

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 18:06

I think one of the issues I have is that she used to be a social worker, as was I before I retired, and I know how important language around anything is. She knows this too. I also wouldn't like her to say this in front of the relatives family as there have been other (unrelated) issues and I don't want her to come over as critical.

Maybe if she does, then the relative won’t be so polite about telling her. Then she’ll either stop, or start losing people from her life.

Original poster
ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 18:17

Thankfully the actual relative hasn't been and won't be involved in these discussions. It is the wider family who she would be speaking to.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2025 18:21

You’re wasting a lot of energy to achieve nothing. I get it riles. My mother is the same about certain topics. Charmingly she tried to insinuate I’d done something to give my dd anorexia the other day. Now that is worth shutting down!

Original poster
ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 18:22

Yes I do waste a lot of energy on this. I should just let it go and I do for a while then it starts to grate on me and I challenge her.

OP posts:
Reugny · 17/02/2025 18:30

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2025 18:22

Yes I do waste a lot of energy on this. I should just let it go and I do for a while then it starts to grate on me and I challenge her.

Change the subject every single time.

If she makes a comment that really gets to you then you need to tell her "That's enough otherwise I am leaving/you will have to leave" then follow through.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 17/02/2025 18:33

Dd and ds both have ASD.. They fondly refer to it as having The Tism.. It certainly isn't belittling it or those who have /are it....
Actually helps ds feel it isn't such a big thing....

StMarie4me · 17/02/2025 18:34

SunnieShine · 17/02/2025 18:00

I have ADHD and that wouldn't bother. At 84 she is entitled to think what she wants without being lectured.

She's not entitled to say it without consequence though.

SunnieShine · 17/02/2025 18:37

YoureLightning · 17/02/2025 18:05

People like this usually keep up with things that suit them, and then they (or other) use age as an excuse for them not keeping up with other things.

Show quote history

You'll be worse when you're 84. You think you won't be but I bet you will.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2025 18:46

Dolambslikemintsauce · 17/02/2025 18:33

Dd and ds both have ASD.. They fondly refer to it as having The Tism.. It certainly isn't belittling it or those who have /are it....
Actually helps ds feel it isn't such a big thing....

They can. Because they are referring to themselves.

InattentiveADHD · 17/02/2025 19:15

I don't think she is saying she doesn't believe in it necessarily (unless it's said with a bit of tone). The term"that xxxx" is often used to describe something that someone has heard but is newish knowledge to them, or it's something they don't completely understand.

I have ADHD and it wouldn't bother me at all if I heard it. Plus she is 84, leave her be.

If you want problematic opinions and faux pas come and speak to my mother. 😂

I also don't think language is as important as you make out. Humans are perfectly capable of understanding intention and giving each other the benefit of the doubt we just seem to have lost the ability to do that in the last few years. We've replaced it with deciding to take offence at everything.

YoureLightning · 17/02/2025 19:22

SunnieShine · 17/02/2025 18:37

You'll be worse when you're 84. You think you won't be but I bet you will.

Show quote history

I doubt it but my kids would tell me if am, as they should. They told their grandfather that using racist and homophobic language wasn’t ok. They understood that age wasn’t a reason. He keeps up with all the latest changes in tech, banking, cars etc that suit him. He is just an offensive arse, who thinks he can use age as a reason when he’s caught out, when in reality he knows exactly what he’s doing. He was nice to the Indian doctor that treated him in hospital, until he had left the ward, then started with the racist slurs. Buy yeah, he just doesn’t ‘understaaaaaaaaaand’. Bullshit.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page