Did my mother lie or what do you think?

[Franity]

I named changed because this is so serious.

Over 30 years ago when I was a teenager my father came home drunk. This wasn't unusual for him. He came home drunk and he called me into the kitchen and cried. He cried telling my that my younger brother is not his and he caught another man in the bed with my mother.

Even though I was a teenager I knew not to put any weight into what he said because it was a well known fact that he was the cheat. He was cheating got years with a local woman who went on to have his baby.

My mother denied what my father said.

I always suspected what he said that day was his way of telling me his mistress had a baby. He never had any integrity to tell me that he had another baby. It was something that I would just learn when the kid was about 3 or 4 and I heard him call my father 'daddy'.

All these years later I see a lot of disfunction with my mother. It's hard to describe. They parted ways decades ago but her anger on him is still as fresh today as it was 30 years ago. I was a bad man all them years ago but he's left her alone now a long time ago and he hasn't been that bad since they parted ways. Surely some sort of mellowing should have happened. I just don't think it's right to be so angry all the time with someone.

Then there's other disfunctional stuff. She can't maintain boundaries and she hates women especailly all of my brothers partners. My brother's could take home Kate Middleton and she's a lovely gorgeous lady and my mother would still hate her. She hates their partners because she views her son's as hers and nobody else. I don't know.

There is a lot of disfunction with my mother.

It has me second guessing what my father said all them years ago. If there's any truth in what he said, my mother raised my younger brother as if he was my father's and as if my father was a deadbeat on him.

I just don't know what to think any more.

I always thought my father has no integrity. He was drunk when he said those words all them years ago. He claimed that he only cheated because he found another man in the bed with my mother. Again I just never believed this. He was a cheater and he was looking to blame his wife at home likely to make his own elderly mother accept his mistress and baby. It was my mother who was a stay at home mother and she likely never had any chance to get away and bring home a man.

Then all these years later I am second guessing what my father said because she is showing disfunctional behaviour herself.

Oh bless you. There is some advantage in getting an adult perspective on your parents as opposed to the skewed perspective you have as a child.

My parents both cheated, my dad finally left for the OW and gosh what a relief. But it took me a long time to process that one parent wasn't good and the other bad.

Getting some therapy might help you manage what you're feeling. Health in mind or similar do free sessions.

As for who is who's father, I'd let it go. Ultimately it doesn't matter, what matters is parents love their children.

It sounds like your mum has some toxic traits and again therapy would help you work through this all.
🌹

I am in a similar position. I always thought my mother tried her best under difficult circumstances when I was younger. My parents took on traditional roles and my father was brut to her. I always thought she did her best under difficult circumstances.

Me and my siblings, we have always tried to help her and help the family home and pick her up and cushion things because life was so hard.

But all these years later and she is showing some serious disfunction where I am now questioning what my father said all them years ago.

It does matter who the father is. Say for example if what my father said was true - it does matter. Because of so much. If my father said was true, she raised my younger brother with lies. She then went on and led us believe that my father was a deadbeat. She then also denied my brother of getting to know his real father if it's true what my father said. My father was even able to name a local man that my mother was friendly went and after my father left home she went on to have a relationship with him. She raised my brother where he missed out on a massive inheritance if the other man was truly his father like what my father said.

I know you said what matters is love but what she displays now is not real. It's fake and abusive. Where she can't maintain boundaries and she has no respect towards their partners.

I think I'd probably still be pretty fucking angry with my ex thirty years later had he got pissed yet again and told my teenage daughter that I'd been sleeping around.

I witnessed my father being bad to my mother many times a d he was a dickhead. When he left the family home, he stayed away.

I think life has to come to a point where you have to just let things go. They don't need to be friends but just let it go. My mother's hate is still as fresh today as it was all them years ago. I really don't think that is normal.

My father did the DIY when he was living at home. My mother is more than happy to call him up or get me to do it whenever anything breaks down and she wants something fixed. She hates him but she's always willing to use him for free work. That's wrong. If she hates him so much as to spit shit about him after all these years but still willing to use him.

She is showing a lot of toxic stuff where it has me questioning what my father said all them years ago.

Does your brother know his parentage might be different to yours?
You could both do dna tests to see if you match, give both of you answers.

No, he was too young when my father said what he said.

I did a rough cost before about DNA testing but it was very expensive so I kept quite.

Even though I was only so young (early teens) and my mother told me afterwards not to believe him and I thought about it and I never believed him for a different reasons.

He never had the courage or the integrity to tell me when his mistress had a baby. He just got drunk and blamed my mother for his affair.

Now I see that there is a lot of disfunction with her in her old age. I don't understand how she can be so obsessed about all of my brothers. She has no respect for any of their partners. There's other stuff too and I can see that there is some badness in her. Now I am questioning what my father said. Why would someone deny that a child was his?

My gut tells me that my mother never really had any chance to take another man to bed when she was left to do all the childcare and home tasks and my father was never at home. It was likely a story that he made up to sell the idea of his mistress and their child to his own mother by gaining sympathy of a cheating wife at home. That's what my gut tells me.

Then there is a lot of disfunction with her and some badness. She has an unhealthy attachment to all of my brothers and it's insane. It's nearly as if she knows that men's anger can get out of control and maybe she is hiding that secret from us all and she's trying to condition and cushion it if it ever turns out that she lied about fathers. I don't know. She does have an unhealthy attachment to them all.

But then I remember in my younger years my father forced us to live in poverty and she was only just surviving. I doubt she was thinking about bedding a neighbour.