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Original poster

Birthday blues. Just been given money vs a gift

20 replies

Sailawaygirl · 16/02/2025 12:24

So I know I'm a big girl now! Also heading towards 40 in a few years which I know caused some of my friends a bit of downer.
I'm not one for making a big deal of birthdays. Alot of my family ( cousins, anuty ect) forget on the day, which I don't mind cause we get gifts when we see each other.
But I just feel down/deflated / upset that for Xmas and birthday my parents are just giving me money ' to get my self something '. Now I now this sounds ungrateful, but it just feels like they can't be arsed to buy me a present so just chucking money at me.
I've got a small baby so money is tight so extra money is helpful ( but I will definitely spend my birthday money on the food shop or baby clothes rather than a nice pair of earrings that I would like).
For Xmas I asked my mum for a dressing gown and pj's ( I purposely suggested something really easy we live in a town with a fatface / Jules / white stuff and some indi shops so easy to just go in when she visits at least twice a week). She said she couldn't find me any so gave me money and some chocolates and some plain black sock. For my birthday she's asked if she can just give me money again ( reading between the lines cause its easier for her cause she doesn't have to think about it). I'm just feeling a bit down about it.
I

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 16/02/2025 12:27

I think you are being ridiculous. She is giving you money so you can get exactly the item you want; or alternatively spend it on bills if money is tight. Yet you are complaining?
You can’t please some people.

PrincessCalley · 16/02/2025 12:27

I always get money and vouchers for Christmas. I'm very fussy and sometimes the money does go on bills but i have everything I need and buy everything I want so it evens out. I turned 40 this year and plan to use my bday money to get a press built in in my living room. Boring but will last a long time

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2025 12:29

I would have loved my mum to give me money as an adult. We lived such different lives, she bought me stuff she thought I would like, because she did. It was a complete waste of her money.

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VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 12:30

I wish my mum would do this.
She insists in choosing something for me but had no clue what I like so effectively I get a lump of guilt as she's put loads of effort into it, I hate it, but gave to keep it until a suitable time has passed while trying not to think about an the things I wish I could have but can't afford and the money instead would have been perfect for.

However, that's my story and cash is my dream present because of it.

Maybe you don't feel considered generally and that's why you feel differently.

SapphireOpal · 16/02/2025 12:31

So...don't spend the money on bills?

You wouldn't be able to if it was a gift so just pretend you can't and spend it on yourself.

chakrakkhan · 16/02/2025 12:31

You're right, It does sound ungrateful. There's nothing stopping you choosing to spend it on a nice pair of earrings instead of a food shop/bills.

Whoarethoseguys · 16/02/2025 12:32

Buy the earrings with the money she gave you.
She gave you money so you could choose something you really want. Perhaps she doesn't want to waste months buying you something you don't like. Even though you suggested where she buy your pyjamas perhaps she couldn't decide which ones to get you. It's very difficult buying for adult children!

SittingNextToIt · 16/02/2025 12:32

Money is the best! It's on you if you're insane enough to buy food with it and not immediately order what you want online from Joules/FatFace/whatever shop.

I always ask for and get money - and it's one of my favourite things to do to splurge on birthday shopping.

You can't please some people!

nahthatsnotforme · 16/02/2025 12:33

I'm with you OP. A bit of effort and something to unwrap means so much.

Original poster

Sailawaygirl · 16/02/2025 12:36

I know that's what the rational side of my brain says! But I'm actually feeling tearful over this, so there must be more too it?
I guess I try and put alot of thought into buying family presents.
Money just feels impersonal?

I wounder if I've read so many mumsnet posts about being disappointed by birthdays that it's getting to head?

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/02/2025 12:36

If I requested gifts from the shops you mentioned, I’d be told “sorry, that’s too expensive”.

Original poster

Sailawaygirl · 16/02/2025 12:38

Whoarethoseguys · 16/02/2025 12:32

Edited

She's known me for 40 years! Maybe that's why it's getting to me?

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 16/02/2025 12:38

My DF always gave me money and I loved it! I didn't feel any less loved because he was so thoughtful all the time.

I've noticed that as my two have got older it's harder to get them something unless they are clear what they want because they can get the stuff they want. So those gifts aren't surprises anyway.

CatteryCatss · 16/02/2025 12:41

I hear you. Though money is often the better option because you can choose exactly what you want. There may be a chance that your Mum could choose something in a colour or design that you don’t like.

My mother asks me for a list, which she can pick from, so there’s an element of surprise too since I don’t know what she’ll pick out of the list

Sunshineandrainbow · 16/02/2025 12:42

Order or go to the shops asap and buy what you want with the money so it doesn't get sucked into bills.
Earings tricky to buy for people as can't be returned.

EarlierDistraction · 16/02/2025 12:48

I’d be so pleased if mine did this, she insists on buying us all (me, DH and two young adult DC) actual gifts because “money or giftcards aren’t a proper present” and it invariably results in a charity shop visit (all this year’s Christmas gifts from her are in the car boot waiting to be donated as we speak). She tries but is just not in touch at all with what we actually want or need.

iamnotalemon · 16/02/2025 12:50

I don't think giving money or vouchers is lack of thought - I'd rather be given them so I can chose something (rather than moaning someone gave me the wrong thing), or give it so that people can get something they want.

EmberAsh · 16/02/2025 12:53

You're being oversensitive. What is the point in your mum buying you a set of PJ's that might not be the right size, fabric, fit, quality, style, when she can give you money and you can buy the exact ones you want. If she didn't give you anything at all, you'd have cause to be upset but this isn't something to get worked up or tearful over.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 16/02/2025 12:53

I'd be delighted if my mum gave me money. I just get a card and a 'didn't know what to get you so I didn't get you anything'.

Make sure you spend the money on the gift you want and show your mum what you spent the money on.

ThriveIn2025 · 16/02/2025 12:54

I’m with you. For my Birthday last year a family member got me an Amazon voucher. Emailed to me on the day. I personally found it really thoughtless. I used it to get the kids swimming googles as they were expensive and had been on my list of things to buy for a while.

I just can’t imagine someone giving me cash and me going shopping for something for me. It would just get sucked into day to day expenses.

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