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Original poster

Preteen DSD - No mum

13 replies

askanyone · 15/02/2025 22:29

Preteen DSD, due to mums MH he has always had her full time. I don’t live with her and DP but have been together 5 years and stay there over half of the time.

Parenting is left to Dp but she’s well behaved so there’s never really been any problems.

She’s obviously about to go through puberty, is becoming more emotional and self conscious. DP is very involved and capable, had all the important conversations with her previously and had made sure she has access to all the things she needs. They are close.

I’ve recently noticed her wanting extra attention from me, asking to come everywhere with me and whenever I’m doing anything she comes in and just hovers/fiddles with things. Suggesting that she wants to talk to me about something but she never actually says it like she’s expecting I’ll lead but I don’t know what with?

I obviously don’t want to be unkind to her, I’m happy to do things and talk with her but finding it too much and a bit annoying. What am I supposed to say/do?

OP posts:

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 15/02/2025 22:55

I thought you were going to ask for ways to encourage her to open up.

This is motherhood, op, as annoying as it is to you - by being with her father, for this long, you are going to be expected to be the mother figure in her life.

mindutopia · 15/02/2025 23:32

My dd is 12 and does exactly this. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell she wants. 😂 But she just hovers about and watches me and fiddles with stuff and wanders around. It drives me mad. Sometimes she is legitimately looking for her phone we have taken off her. Sometimes I think it’s just she wants to be close and see what we’re doing. When she was little, she used to do hundreds of cartwheels and ask me to watch. Bored me to tears. She doesn’t do that anymore. But I think this is kinda the same. They just want to know someone is watching in a way.

Gymnopedie · 15/02/2025 23:43

She's reaching an age where however good her dad is and however close they are, she would like an adult woman in her life to talk to about personal things, to guide her through all the changes of the next few years. And she would like that woman to be you.

You don't say how you feel about her, other than she hasn't caused any issues and is well behaved. Do you have any connection with her? Do you interact with her or do you leave it all to dad?

I suspect she would love it if you and her went for lunch and did a bit of shopping. Is that the sort of thing you feel you could do?

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Families

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2025 23:47

If you're unwilling to be the safe, unpaid woman in this child's life, then dad needs to find someone else to do it, and date you separately to her. Or not be in a relationship with you.

Sister, his or exes mum, female friend? Having an unpaid adult who cares about you is incredibly important and this girl is looking around for someone to teach her how to be a woman.

You don't have to be her go-to woman, but you can't be there and be unwilling. It's just rejecting her at a very very pivotal time. Poor kid.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 23:55

You are the mother figure in her life and if that isn’t a role you want to take on, you can’t be in her home playing happy families with her dad.

If you are happy in that role and you’re looking for advice on how to help her, just ask if she’s ok, does she want to speak to you about anything without her dad around. Just open up a conversation while she’s lurking.

Original poster

askanyone · 16/02/2025 10:39

I guess I am asking for advice on how to get her to open up. Obviously I've asked her what wrong and if she has something to say but she doesn't and instead walks off looking embarrassed and like I've done something wrong until the next time she's hovering and looking at me expectedly.

I don't want to be her mum and don't agree that I'm expected to be but happy to be an important female figure in her life.

OP posts:

RandalsAunty · 19/07/2025 10:12

askanyone · 16/02/2025 10:39

I don't want to be her mum and don't agree that I'm expected to be but happy to be an important female figure in her life.

I’m sorry but by being with her dad you are also part of her life. If you are not happy to be a female figure for her then you should walk away. She and her dad deserve someone better, someone who will accept them as a unit and become part of it. You seem to be wanting to pick parts of that unit only.

CopperWhite · 19/07/2025 10:15

If you get the feeling that she’s expecting something, you could gently ask her if that’s the case. Tell her that you would like to support her but that you’re not quite sure what she wants that to look like.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/07/2025 10:18

askanyone · 16/02/2025 10:39

I don't want to be her mum and don't agree that I'm expected to be but happy to be an important female figure in her life.

My DD14 does this, just find something you can do together - cooking, baking, pottering in the garden. Make time and space for her, communicate that you care about her and she’ll soon open up. There’s nothing worse than a child hovering expectantly hoping for connection to then be asked if there’s something you want to say - that’ll shut them down faster than anything.

Do you like her? Care about her? See her as important in your life? After 5 years I’d hope you do, but you need to communicate that to her by spending time doing stuff with her.

stichguru · 19/07/2025 10:25

Take her out for a walk, get lunch, make her feel like you have time for her. I get the impression that you are happy to help her, but you sound like you're giving off vibes of "let's get this over with". You say you "I don't want to be her mum and don't agree that I'm expected to be but happy to be an important female figure in her life."

Honestly, that's fine, but teen girls often find talking about mildly embarrassing things with their mum's anyway, boys, period, pubic hair etc, and she is getting the feeling that you just want it over with quite matter of fact-ly, so to speak, it's unsurprising that she is finding it hard!

ZzzMarchhare · 19/07/2025 10:31

maybe you are tackling this a bit head on? With my kids sometimes they can’t open up like that as they don’t really have the skills or the words. Can you do a quiet activity like a walk or a drive or baking with her and just talk naturally about other things and she might start opening up?

TheSandgroper · 19/07/2025 10:50

Take her for a long drive. Gosh, teenagers do talk when they are beside you rather than facing you and you are busy with something.

Enko · 19/07/2025 10:58

At teeb n ages I found car journeys were good for conversation as they dont have to look you in the eye.

Take her in coffee or lunch dates the two of you.

Tell her stories you experienced like you recall once bleeding through your clothes with your period and your friend was kind and did x.
Your first crush and how lame that seems now.
your first concert how excited you were
your best friend at school what you did together

She will begin to open up.
Then really listen give her time to talk. Acknowledge what she said and if its difficult for her say so. That sounds really difficult for you.
Ask questions like.
Would you like my opinion?
Do you need my help?

Allow it to slowly grow

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