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Original poster

Do I ask can we just be ‘companions’

25 replies

kyliiii · 15/02/2025 22:14

Me and my DH. We have 2 young kids , 3yo and 1yo.

Since I’d say falling pregnant with DC2. Things changed really. We have no spark and I don’t think I love him anymore.

Now it sounds silly - why don’t you just leave or work on it? Working on it isn’t an option. He is horribly stubborn and just says what’s wrong with me when I try to suggest things. Leaving scares me as he’d get some custody and he is a lazy father. I never leave the kids with him.

He would be hopeless alone and I’d be worried sick for my kids. He does the bare minimum , I do pretty much everything.

he earns more and works long days. But yeah parenting wise I’d never leave him with my kids.

Do I suggest we just be companions? No splitting the custody of the kids (I couldn’t cope not seeing them 100% of the time) financially it is easier and we take the kids on more days out and holidays rather than being alone struggling trying to cover bills.

I’ve heard of people who do this but I don’t know it seems bold and it scares me. I feel a bit sad at 27yo and still kind of young I’d sign myself off to just living with a friend essentially and not a loving exciting relationship I’m craving

but it’s so I can see my kids all of the time and I’d do anything for them

OP posts:

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/02/2025 22:44

You are very young to be settling for such a minimum level of connection? If you do, there is a good chance he will take himself off in a snit.

holycrumpet · 15/02/2025 22:46

Have you both tried talking? Really talking?

Kids are hard, is there no hope that as they up abit, that things might improve?

mummytalking · 15/02/2025 22:48

Agree with PP that you are far too young to settle for this lifestyle. Not that any one at any age should - but - it's the type of thing I might consider at my age at 44, as I understand some of your reasoning with the kids situation etc... the flip side of this too is you may very well be ok with being companions as the best scenario in this situation but as soon as you say that to him, what's to stop him from finding someone else, staying out late, coming in at all hours. If he's not living with you, you won't have to deal with that but if he's still living there you would.

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Families

Brunocatmon · 15/02/2025 22:53

I stayed for years in a marriage that I shouldn't have because I couldn't bare the idea of not being with my children every day, and because I didn't want him to have them on his own without me there for balance. He was an emotionally absent father who played Disney dad. My now young adult children all tell me they feel let down by him never choosing them or us over work or his own interests.
In hindsight, maybe it would have been better if I'd left all those years before.
Maybe your dh would step up if he had to. It's hard but you're so young to be settling for so little.

SheRaaPrincessOfPower · 16/02/2025 08:34

No you can't. It would not work. You would both be miserable.

You are catastrophsing what would happen if you split up. Sure, you would miss your children when they were at their dads and no, he might not take as good care of them as you do but that's just what happens.

It's likely that once the dust settles he might not bother with seeing them. Although he won't say that initially that is quite common occurrence.

SheRaaPrincessOfPower · 16/02/2025 08:37

Also, what's in it for him? If he's not interested in you and the children then why would he go for this plan? All the disadvantages of a marriage and none of the advantages.

PermanentTemporary · 16/02/2025 08:42

I do think that you are in the thick of parenting very young children and things can be better than this. I really wouldn't assume that your relationship is dead in the water, you're both so young and the current situation really isn't forever.

I hate to say it but there are men who get better at parenting when the kids are older. I'm not saying it's OK now or that it makes his crapness fine, but it could be worth seeing how things are as they get older.

The communication between you sounds terrible. I doubt that he would agree to couples therapy but it might be worth a try? Base it in your feelings not his behaviour.

gamerchick · 16/02/2025 08:42

It won't work OP. What happens when one of you meets someone? If he met someone who didn't want him being a companion with the mother of his kids. He'll be off, taking his money with him.

If you want to carry on as you are then you shouldn't say anything and just carry on.

In my experience, lazy dads make all the noises of taking the kids but in reality it's short lived. They lose interest. Especially when they get a new shag.

RentalWoesNotFun · 16/02/2025 09:05

It won't work. Sorry OP.

Even if he agrees to this, he will be out dating at all hours and it'll be really annoying.

As for custody, I doubt very much he will have much time to take the kids away from you. He will be too busy dating and at the mere whiff of a potential shag he'll be off. So I doubt he'd take the kids much.

You'd be better off dumping him and moving on with a line about he can see the kids on Saturday afternoon or something "until he's settled". That lets him off the hook and sees them the bare minimum.

Sid077 · 16/02/2025 09:17

Parenting young children is hard, splitting up a family is absolutely gut wrenching and has a long term impact on your children. Communication sounds terrible in the relationship and you’re both responsible for that, try counselling together if he’ll engage, on your own if he won’t. Explain how you feel, there is no rush to split up - take your time and work out your own feelings.

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 09:19

You’re both far too young to settle as companions.

OneWaryCat · 16/02/2025 09:25

Don't do it. You need to leave. You could be happy with someone else in 2-3 years.

My DH's parents were 'companions' after he had an affair, and had seperate rooms. He used to have relationships with other women and she didn't. He has finally left (age 72) to be with a new partner and they are divorcing and selling the family home. She is 71 and will be alone.

Feels like such a waste of both of their lives when they knew from mid 40s they didn't want to be together. It also had a terrible effect on my DH (who is now in therapy) and his siblings as there was always a weird vibe in the house and it wasn't a comfortable living arrangement.

Don't disrespect yourself this much, make the scary choice to leave. It will work out best for all of you in the long run. Good luck xx

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 09:26

Do you have family support? Have you given him an ultimatum to stop being lazy and help out more or it’s over?

Your kids deserve to grow up seeing their mum happy and in a loving relationship. What kind of example is a lazy dad? He’s teaching the kids that’s acceptable.

HotCrossBunplease · 16/02/2025 09:29

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 09:19

You’re both far too young to settle as companions.

She doesn’t say his age.

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 09:33

HotCrossBunplease · 16/02/2025 09:29

She doesn’t say his age.

Show quote history

Oh fair point. I assumed they were both the same age I skim read 27.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 16/02/2025 09:34

I'm sorry OP, but I think even if he says yes it'll be until he finds someone else - and then he'll leave on his terms.

Chiseltip · 16/02/2025 09:35

I'd never leave him with my kids

They're not YOUR kids 🙄

"No spark"

Are you 14? You have two young kids and by your own admission your DH works long hours.

Where did you get your idea of what a marriage with young kids should look like?

You can leave your DH for any reason you choose, but your kids are the ones who you have to answer to. In years to come, when they ask why you chose to leave and break up their family, saying "well, daddy worked long hours and there was no spark" is going to sound like a really selfish reason.

And you're 27, that's not that young, you're a fully grown adult. And a fully grown adult would never suggest what you have in your OP. Leave if you want, but don't try to pin the blame on your DH.

OneWaryCat · 16/02/2025 09:40

People don't have to stay in loveless marriages @Chiseltip

Chiseltip · 16/02/2025 09:43

OneWaryCat · 16/02/2025 09:40

People don't have to stay in loveless marriages @Chiseltip

I never suggested otherwise.

But the OP should be honest about the reasons why. Their children will ask.

Original poster

kyliiii · 16/02/2025 10:51

thanks I made the post when I was a bit emotional last night. He’s 35. I am hoping it gets better as they’re older? He has been useless while they’ve been so young :(

I just don’t know what to do. I mean we do need to communicate better. He’s so hard to talk to though. He has ADHD so after working his long hours he needs to wind his mind down? And he won’t have a heart to heart or feelings talk. Then it gets later. I’m tired and go to bed and leave it. It feels like we get no time to chat or alone which we dont we haven’t had a date since before we had our youngest.

trying to be optimistic and thinking we can gel a bit better and get to a new nice version of us but this just crossed my mind last night. I feel really alone and scared

OP posts:

Astronautstar · 16/02/2025 10:54

Your relationship is really likely to end whatever you do. I would focus on making it amicable and keep as much control as you can. You will have to give him access. But this is coming to you no matter what.

OneWaryCat · 16/02/2025 11:12

I think closeness between people in relationships can fluctuate. Things might improve. I've had a year where I felt like my relationship with my husband was over and then now we are better than ever. It did involve him having therapy though and opening up to me more. I know there will be more times in the future when things are not as good but ultimately we do work as a couple. Maybe this is a rough patch and things will improve? But if not, don't sacrifice your own happiness. Children adapt to change, and it is much better to have two separate happy families than one miserable one.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/02/2025 11:19

There is nothing wrong with giving it time to improve, but companions is a daft suggestion. You want him to still fund you and the kids in the way he does now, but with no sex or closeness. So ultimately one of you will find someone else eventually and itl make a huge mess which will cause more distress for your kids. They are not and will never be ‘your’ kids, they will always be both of yours OP. Don’t make any rushed decisions but start planning and make sure you maximise your earning so you can better support yourself when/if you do split.

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 11:26

You’re in the thick of it at the moment with two little ones but things will be easier for you once they’ve got a bit older. Whether he changes is another matter, I often find that people don’t change so it’s a case of how long do you keep trying until you admit defeat.

Do you ever get break for yourself or time as a couple?

DoItBetter · 16/02/2025 11:31

Being companions is not a good plan. It wouldn't work.

Your kids are young so presumably things were good a few years ago or you wouldn't have married him and had kids with him. What was it that you liked about him then.

Is there any way you can start having dates with him? Little kids are hard work it's not surprising you are both tired and fed up.

Is there anyway you can make life easier for yourselves? It's a really Mumsnet cliche comment but can you hire a cleaner if you don't already and can afford it? Is there anything else you could do to give yourselves more time

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