How to pull back after making a massive mistake

[togetridofmewouldbeastartingpoint]

I’m caught in the middle of a horrendous family situation where various adults - all 20-30 years older than me - are involved in extramarital affairs and divorces and stuff. I’m not meant to know about them, I’m meant to pretend I have no idea who may or may not be seeing who.

I’ve stupidly let the cat out of the bag, I said something wrong today that indicates that I and a couple of others am aware.

They’ve now all fallen out with each other, lots of shouty phone calls apparently, and me in turn. It’s my fault for not thinking about what I said. I meant no harm, but it’s been taken badly.

I’m not very good at coping with stress. I was abused significantly as a child and secrets were a big part of that - my whole life up until age 16 I was told ‘this is a secret’ and I don’t cope well. I’ve ended up horrendously upset with myself this morning to the point I’m injured. Thankfully I live alone so no one else is bothered. I’m on the autistic spectrum and not great at social stuff when it gets more complex, I’ve ended up having a meltdown which I’ve not had in almost a year.

I’m not sure how to sort this. I’ve apologised several times over when I’ve been phoned. Do I just keep out of the way for a bit? I don’t want to cause further problems.

I don’t know how to put it right or if I even should. I’ve switched my phone on to DND mode and locked the door as I don’t want to be involved any more.

least said soonest mended

Not your fault they’ve all created this mess, you should never have been asked to cover up their secrets! This isn’t your fault, you don’t need to apologise to anyone it’s all of their own doing.

What do you mean you're injured? How have you been hurt?

All of this is not your fault OP. Please take care of yourself and step away from this craziness.

Honestly it’s very hard when you forget who you can say what to and who knows what and who doesn’t know and stuff, it’s exhausting. They are the only family I really have and I don’t want to upset anyone but I’ve ended up really upsetting myself this morning, it’s two hours since last phone call and I’m still tearful.

Forget about everyone else for now. You said you're injured. Do you need medical attention? If so, sort that first. What else do you need right now? Whatever that is, do it. Go to bed, watch TV, listen to music. What can you do to self soothe (without hurting yourself)?

No, it’s superficial enough that it’ll heal itself thank God. I haven’t in ages and ages, something about this has really hit a nerve. Going to bed sounds like an idea yes, I probably will do that. Hopefully they can sort it out themselves.

It was really unfair of these people to burden you with their secrets. Tell them that - it's been hard for you and you made a mistake. You're sorry that's worked out badly for them but this is their secret, not yours.

If you feel like you're in crisis you can contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team.

You need to stop this happening in future by letting your relatives know that you're not interested in their secrets. This would involve leaving or putting the phone down and refusing to communicate about their secrets.

I'm sorry to hear about your past. You might find NAPAC helpful, they're an organisation for survivors of childhood abuse.

If you come from a difficult background, you might find it difficult to be assertive. There are books, including workbooks you can buy that teach you assertiveness skills. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem might also be helpful.

Thank you. I’m a bit calmer than I was. To be honest I’m a bit annoyed with all 3 of them, to get in such a mess is a bit ridiculous and to drag lots of others in to it unwillingly is worse - it’s very obvious when two people are seeing each other, it’s very hard to pretend you have absolutely no idea.

They have put you in a difficult situation and you should never be expected to keep secrets for another person. Especially given your history. I feel indignant on your behalf! Why should you protect them when they are sneaking around? You need a boundary and to say you want nothing further to do with it. Tell them you won’t discuss it any longer. Give yourself lots of care (nice food, get cosy, TV on, deep breaths); hope you feel better soon

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. This situation is all on them. They need to sort it out and leave you out of it as much as possible.

As @dotdotdotdash said, get nice and cosy, eat nice food, watch telly or whatever will soothe you and make you feel better ❤️ big hugs 🫂