Old teenage bully has died, preoccupying my thoughts

[Feelingstrangeaboutit]

Name changed.

was told that an old school friend who actually was so toxic and turned into a bully has died this week.

i knew she was ill as do not keep
in touch f school with anyone irl except one. Apparently had a rare cancer so diagnosis to dying was 4/5 months. She had 2 primary school age dc.

whilst I feel sad for the children and actually her (aware she was estranged from family etc), I’m struggling to deal with emotions that have come
back from 30 years ago.

As teens we were friends then the relationship turned toxic - she used to blank me and gaslight me. Into late teens, early twenties we had long stopped talking but aware she spread rumours about me and trash talk in general.

i went on to have a very happy life and pushed these years to back of mind. im fb friends with many old school friends so preparing for comments about how amazing she was etc, as people tend to do, although I saw a very different side to her.

i haven’t slept well past few night as extent of past bullying and remembering effects it had on me (quite significant) are preoccupying my thoughts.

has anyone been through something similar?

It is hard when someone you love dies ... but in some ways harder when someone you dislike dies.
Bullying is insidious and can have deepseated negative effects. Remember you were both teens and each vulnerable in your own different ways. She took hers out on you ... entirely wrong, but I guess we all regret some of the things we did at that age, or at the least can see they were ill advised.
You both moved apart and got on with your lives, which was the best outcome, and hopefully she matured and grew out of that behaviour, just as you have changed.
Betrayal of friendship is very painful, especially at that age, and it cuts deep. A reminder of this, especially such a tragic reminder of the person, is going to throw up lots of emotions.
Let yourself feel what you feel for now then move on. You feelings are entirely understandable.

Let yourself feel how you feel.

It's especially hard when someone you dislike dies. You are expected to perform sadness and everyone around you is but you either have to pretend or be the arsehole.

My step mum died when I was in my teens. She was pretty awful to us kids from the first marriage so I felt nothing at all when I found out. My half brother was primary age and obviously dad wasn't in a good place so I had to suck it up, my memories of that time are very bitter that I couldn't talk about how I felt. I still can't as my brother (now adult) holds a childlike reverence for her which I can't burst. The fake sadness I had to perform was quite damaging to me.

Whenever I needed the summon required grief I thought about my brother only and how sad I was for him.

You have the benefit of distance from this person so at least no one is expecting wailing and wearing black from you. It would be polite to summon some empathy for then children even if you feel nothing for the mother.

If you feel like this is dredging up some unhealthy feelings, I would encourage you to speak to a therapist for a session or to. Maybe voicing these mixed feelings out loud to someone who won't judge you are an 'awful' person will help your frustration.

Thank you both for the comments and understanding. Clearly the children’s grief is most important but the benefit of an anoodoe allows me to focus on me.

@Cerialkiller that sounds especially hard, I’m sorry you have to still suppress this but understand why.

Thanks I'm ok now. I just remembering that time with very complex feeling as I had to bury my anger and thats changed my memories to be more positive then she deserved.

She died in really unfortunate circumstances too at only 40 or so. So it's especially traumatic and tragic. Now dB is an adult it's easier to be diplomatic rather sympathetic. Ill talk about her hobbies and 'do you remember when we went on this holiday' rather then how 'lovely' she was and this seems to be enough as everyone fills in the gaps with their own memories.

If I were you I just wouldn't engage with the talk about her and withdraw quietly from those conversations. No good will come of you mentioning your difficult relationship with her.

If someone challenges you, you can say 'its difficult to talk about her' or some other neutral term. Focus on how sad it must be for the children. I doubt anyone will be on your case about it TBF, most people are too wrapped up in their own issues.

A few years ago a local teenager died after setting fireworks off in a barn. He had horrendously bullied a few kids he went to school with and it was difficult for some of them to know how to process their thoughts