How did you get a life outside your children?

[DogHasAStick]

I don't really know who I am, I had my first son when I was 22, my second at 27. I have been on my own with them since 29, I'm 37 now. I have built my life around them, my youngest is disabled so it took a while to fine tune things, but he is currently doing well. I'm still standing in the same spot though, after all the advocating, the world moved on, I'm still stood after years of worry.

I have dated (DSs don't know) some nice men who have wanted to take things further, but I break it off, I don't really want a man in our little world.
I have friends, although geographically, they are spread about a little, but I see them when we can.
I got a degree and a Masters degree, a career, and I bought a house.

But outside of the boys, I don't really have a life, and I think it would be good for them to see me happy, not just with them.

How do you do that?!

For me, getting happy after having kids meant going to work, where I could talk to adults and get the occasional thank you.

Some of the very best friends I have now, who've added such a lot to my life, were met through a hobby. That hobby was really something I did pre kids, as did they, but we've stayed friends since and now most of us have teenage kids. I know it's a cliche, but joining a club is sch a good way to meet likeminded people.

I also have always worked, even though that reduced whilst the kids were young. Again, as a PP has said, it's another way of widening your circle.

OP works. And has done a bloody good job combining career and house buying with raising a disabled child.

I agree about joining a club- not groundbreaking advice but you can try all kinds of different things and see meeting people as just part of it. Do you have any parent support type groups you can access related to your son's disability? Might be good for meeting people for a bit more than small talk, some deeper chats and fun plans?

OP you have already given your boys an amazing role model, so the next stage of your life can be more about what you want for you. Realistically you need space to do stuff, meet people or whatever it is that helps you reclaim the 'you' that you've had to put on the back burner for a while.
Can you afford to pay for someone to mind the boys while you do a hobby, or cut down a morning or day at work while they're at school to focus on you?
Thinking about what makes you tick outside of family will be part of the process.

Thank you for your replies.

A club would be great, I just don't really know which one.

I used to mountain bike and go to the gym, but I stopped looking after myself in the same way, I put on quite a lot of weight. I just didn't have time either. The boys have clubs six days a week!

Currently having a long walk with the dog, then hair appointment, then will visit my grandmother, who failed a memory test this week so going to get in as much time as possible.

You start some hobbies. I felt like you so am starting slowly with a weekly club/ social. My mum is amazing at this - she recently moved and has joined loads of activities and met people. Hard with children, but you can probably start once a week? If you don’t like something, don’t be disheartened - move on

Oh a gym or exercise classes sound perfect for you then! The ones near us have a really friendly bunch of people at the classes especially. Good luck!

Volunteer at Scouts / Guides / similar.

Join a walking club / running club / aqua-robics/ etc...

Go to local WI (not just full of old people!)

Check out classes at local library

Ask your boys' friends mums what they do for hobbies

• invite them to start a book group / running group / Friday wine drinking group
• invite them on your dog walks

Look in local village / town magazines for hobby groups

I had my girls at 19 and 22. I’m now 39.

I retrained in my 30s so building my career.

I do one organised activity a week (dance class). I run (training for a half marathon). I attend they gym and do classes several times a week sometimes with dd2.

I’ve made an effort to keep up with friendships and actually rekindled old ones recently. It takes a bit of effort but it’s worth it.