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Original poster

Does anyone else not see that they are attractive?

16 replies

habdbaghag · 14/02/2025 23:37

Does anyone else have a disconnect between how they see themselves in the mirror vs how other people see them?

I honestly think I’m pretty plain but people will very often hit on me or look at me on the train etc. part of it is being younger of course, but I think to myself that maybe I am just more attractive than I think/realise?

I’ve always had very low self esteem due to horrible acne and being bullied as a child

OP posts:
BaMamma · 14/02/2025 23:47

I think what makes people attractive isn't necessarily obvious from looking in the mirror. I'm often amused by how much more attractive I seem to people than I feel I should be, I'm almost 60, barely wear make-up, and haven't been bothering with my hair lately, but people seem keen to engage with me so I guess I must be more attractive than how I see myself in the mirror.

Keedoozle · 15/02/2025 02:09

I think what makes many people attractive to others is not always that they are an outright stunning beauty or even pretty.
I think that it's a combination of quiet confidence, the way they carry themselves and the expression on their faces that gives them an air of approachability.
When I was at school there was a classmate, a 14 or 15 year old girl who very few people would ever call pretty.
Her clothing wasn't outstanding, but she made her style her own. She kept her hair trimmed to perfection, with never a hair out of place, makeup was minimal but applied skillfully.
She entered a room slowly and confidently, like a model.
She was nice to everyone and came across as mature.
She was popular with both students and teachers, and never lacked for male attention.

Original poster
habdbaghag · 15/02/2025 07:06

Keedoozle · 15/02/2025 02:09

I think what makes many people attractive to others is not always that they are an outright stunning beauty or even pretty.
I think that it's a combination of quiet confidence, the way they carry themselves and the expression on their faces that gives them an air of approachability.
When I was at school there was a classmate, a 14 or 15 year old girl who very few people would ever call pretty.
Her clothing wasn't outstanding, but she made her style her own. She kept her hair trimmed to perfection, with never a hair out of place, makeup was minimal but applied skillfully.
She entered a room slowly and confidently, like a model.
She was nice to everyone and came across as mature.
She was popular with both students and teachers, and never lacked for male attention.

I wonder what she’s up to now?!

OP posts:
Keedoozle · 15/02/2025 08:35

@habdbaghag Oh, I imagine that she's out there somewhere, living a good and special life. She was exceptionally poised for her age and I think the confidence she had in herself would've carried her a long way.
A nice looking face you can be born with, but confidence is a learned behaviour, a skill that no one is born with. You have to work at having that!

HeartyCrab · 15/02/2025 08:37

You're just not your type!

Conniethecatapillar · 15/02/2025 08:42

I guess we can't really be objective about our own appearance so we won't ever really know. Unless you're a model of course or you get told repeatedly how attractive you are.

TheaBrandt1 · 15/02/2025 08:43

No reckon I’m the opposite! Think I look better than I do but always been happy with my looks. Can’t bear this female low self esteem thing so boring and depressing.

HeartyCrab · 15/02/2025 08:56

TheaBrandt1 · 15/02/2025 08:43

No reckon I’m the opposite! Think I look better than I do but always been happy with my looks. Can’t bear this female low self esteem thing so boring and depressing.

That's how narcissists think and they lack empathy too.

TheaBrandt1 · 15/02/2025 08:58

Nah. Just can’t bear this “ooh I hate my thighs” mentality and the pushing on women that we are never good enough. We are!

TheaBrandt1 · 15/02/2025 08:59

It’s so boring. Got to 50 and am over it. Usually it’s women fishing for compliments anyway.

Petrigooed · 15/02/2025 09:01

I get you, OP. I have over the course of my life been told I'm attractive- beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, pretty, so/really pretty. By men and women.

I just don't see it. Sometimes I do feel sexy or attractive, but that's as far as it goes on a good day, which is hardly ever.

Petrigooed · 15/02/2025 09:03

I think I suffer from body dysmorphia... maybe you do too?

SwanOfThoseThings · 15/02/2025 09:03

I know objectively that I am not attractive and have never been (jeered at by strangers for being ugly when I was younger etc.) so this isn't something I recognise. I've only had the opposite to the extent that I've sometimes looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked at least passable and then been jeered at anyway. Fortunately I now wear the middle-aged cloak of invisibility so I don't get jeered at, at least.

Wantitalltogoaway · 15/02/2025 09:04

Nah, women who say this are fishing for compliments. Most people who are attractive secretly know they are.

pinkdelight · 15/02/2025 09:18

I think that it's a combination of quiet confidence, the way they carry themselves and the expression on their faces that gives them an air of approachability.

I think this is very true. I know I'm not conventionally attractive and indeed a bit fat and funny looking, but I forget about that and feel and act quite confident so it's never held me back in the attraction department. I think I have a bit of the opposite of what you describe, a more positive distortion, and my take is we all go to seed eventually anyway so the superficial stuff doesn't matter that much (though obviously I make an effort with what I've got). Someone once said I had 'a kind face', which I'd take over being a stunner. Meanwhile I have a friend who is just as you describe, so attractive and just can't see it and so down on herself. Nothing anyone says can change that as it has to come from within somehow. I think the best way is to try to forget about that aesthetic side as any kind of way to judge and value yourself, though that's easier said than done of course. Finding and doing things you enjoy is the most helpful, then you forget yourself and just are yourself, if that makes sense. Transcend the physical and all that.

Petrigooed · 15/02/2025 09:49

I've also been told I have a sparkly personality 🤔

But trying to be strong and heal from trauma and abuse is also sucking the life out of me.

Maybe that can make a person seem attractive? It can transcend the physical, as PP says.

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