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Original poster

How much contact do you have with your children who live away at university or similar?

36 replies

Gifu · 14/02/2025 05:25

Weekly calls?
Daily text messages?
A good night text most days?

This is new for us and I'm trying to work out what will become normal.

We get on well and are very close. I'd be happy face timing daily!! But obviously that is not what she needs and I really want her to spread her wings and fly the nest - however much I miss her.

What is typical for you?

OP posts:
Booksaresick · 14/02/2025 05:32

DD first year of Uni this year has been face timing once a week, sometimes twice a week usually prompted by my texts. She loves it there and is thriving so I take it as a positive (although I’d prefer for her to need me more :)

GetDownkeith · 14/02/2025 05:33

Ds1 is 18 and away at uni. We text every couple of days usually. Never phone but that’s because he’s not keen.
Some weeks if we have more to say we will be in more regular contact it just varies I mostly take his lead. I’d happily chat more often but he’s happy and I don’t ever want him to feel an obligation to call at a specific time or check in every day. I know I certainly didn’t at 18.

Booksaresick · 14/02/2025 05:33

She can sometimes take 3 days to respond to my texts though !

Pottingup · 14/02/2025 05:34

DS is in his second year at Uni. We tend to do a roughly weekly video call - usually suggested by me but he’s pretty good at responding and agreeing. The odd message in between about things that crop up - like admin stuff, post, photos of the dog or what’s happening with the football. It really varies as to how many times a term he comes home and when he does it’s normally to do with seeing local friends for parties or going to gigs rather than specifically to see us. It’s not usually less than twice a term though so I guess we mostly don’t go more than five weeks without seeing him. His uni is about three hours away.

Unmute · 14/02/2025 05:35

Ds is in his second year away. We've settled into the following routine...
Daily messages - multiple times a day
No good night text - neither of us would want this
Weekly phone call - 1hr+
Fortnightly overnight visits - either he comes home or I go to visit him. He's less than 50 miles away and transport is easy.

I said I needed at least one text a day, so I know he's still alive, but I left any extra contact up to ds, and this is what we've ended up with. It works for us, but everyone is different.

MumChp · 14/02/2025 05:35

Dd2 has contact to dd1 and ds1 on a daily basis on txt or facetime.
Can't say that as parents both we hear from both often.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/02/2025 05:38

DS in his 3rd year. Couple of texts a week maybe one phone call, we try to see him mid term ( Oxbridge so short terms) so every 4 weeks or so.

Original poster
Gifu · 14/02/2025 05:39

Glad to see it's normal to feel that I'd happily chat more, but at the same time not wanting to breathe down their necks!!

It's a big change. We get on well and I'm used to chatting daily and regular lifts, shopping trips etc.

I've found if I send a pic of the cat to the family group chat she usually responds!

OP posts:
Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 14/02/2025 05:42

I used to get a text most days, but as time went on it became a bit less in terms of frequency and a bit more in terms of information if that makes sense. She'd face time if something particularly exciting happened. I don't use any of those things to track your kids, friends who have those drive themselves demented worrying about their 20 something being at an unknown location at 3am.

RampantIvy · 14/02/2025 05:49

When DD was an undergraduate it would be every few days. She stayed in her university city to work and would ring every day on her way home from work. She is now doing post grad at a different university and it is every few days.

As long as I know that she is happy then I am happy.

Sgtmajormummy · 14/02/2025 06:59

When DC1 (always fiercely independent, to the point of secrecy and consequent overthinking by us) was at University we just kept using the family WhatsApp. Calls when necessary and visits home every 6 weeks or so. A lot went on that we didn’t know about, but that’s what flying the nest means.

That has carried on into internship but we’ve been more the visitors due to work load. Our relationship is more on an equal footing now.

I’m looking forward to DC2 studying from home and being 3 adults together. We now live in a good university city. They won’t have the same independence but they’re planning on having a car and a part time job. Less demanding course and more social variety.

CherryMarigold · 14/02/2025 07:07

DC1 was a facetime call 3-4 times a week, usually as she was walking somewhere. Maybe less if she was busy. Plus several texts.
DC2 phones twice a week on pretty much the same days, which is so typical for him. He loves routine. The odd meme or text sent in between.

WoahThreeAces · 14/02/2025 07:10

DS is first year at uni, we text about once a week. He speaks to his brother more often as they play online together. I visit him for the day once a term.

When I was at uni I never called my mother!

Ferrazzuoli · 14/02/2025 07:10

I don't hear much from DS at all! He hardly ever initiates calls or texts (unless he has a specific question), but will reply to them when I send them. I tend to message once a week ish and face time once a fortnight. I'd love it to be more but he is really happy so that's the main thing! I remember barely speaking to my parents either when I was at uni.

bullrushes · 14/02/2025 07:15

We are going to see DS tomorrow which is about five weeks since he went back. We have a couple of FaceTime calls a week. Then sporadic texts - not everyday. They need to become independent. It’s tough but you get used to it. DS is now about halfway through his degree.

MargaretThursday · 14/02/2025 07:40

Depends on the child.
Dd1 was a weekly zoom call at the same time each week and occasional texts or phone calls when she needed something.

Dd2 is sporadic. We might get 60 messages and a WhatsApp call in 24 hours unambiguous three weeks. That might be due to a need or because she saw something she though we'd be interested then kept on talking, or just because.
On the whole of we don't hear, then she's enjoying life to the full. That doesn't mean she isn't if she does call, iyswim though.

DustyLee123 · 14/02/2025 07:42

When mine went to uni it was very little, but they were making friends, going to lectures, and working PT, so I wasn’t on their radar. They usually answered texts within a week.

pootleondown · 14/02/2025 07:47

When mine were at uni we would message throughout the day...nothing serious just photos of what meal they'd cooked, or questions about how to defrost chicken, or me sending photos of the dog etc. I don't recall having that many actual phone calls or FaceTiming. Saying that, they both came home for weekends quite often or we would visit them, maybe once a month.

Now they've left uni and are busy working messages are less frequent but still several times a week.

Orangedoll · 14/02/2025 07:51

I have a very different experience because my DD has social difficulties, autism and adhd. She’s in her second year now and we speak twice a day which helps her to feel connected to us and helps us to process her heightened emotions as they happen rather than spiralling. I know this is not typical though! I would love it if she didn’t need us so much, but wanted to share so that others reading this would know how much it varies according to the individual.

FindusMakesPancakes · 14/02/2025 08:00

Almost never.
Last had a message from him 10 days ago. It said 'yup' in response to an 'are you alive' type question. I think I spoke to him twice last term, once this term so far. No facetime.
He is 19, living his life, spreading his wings. However much I may miss him, this is is how he needs it to be to exert his independence.

aspidernamedfluffy · 14/02/2025 08:11

It was usually a "how are you?" text once a week and a phone call on a Sunday. I sometimes got a drunken "I love you" text or a "mum how do I cook this?" phone call.

Oldglasses · 14/02/2025 08:20

I've had DCs at uni since Sept 2020 as my eldest swapped courses and in the meantime DS started.
Most common method of communication is WhatsApp, send one to each other at least every other day esp to DD - could be of food, the cat, a grade they've achieved, etc. I've never pressurised either of them to message before bed or anything like that, it would be far too much and I go to bed around 10.30pm when they'd be out and about some nights.

If they are both pretty calm (both have anxiety to varying degrees), we actually talk about once a week on average. If something major is going on or if they're very anxious (usually in DS's case) he can call me up to 5 x a day about whatever the current issue is (he's on a very hard science-based degree - very clever but his MH isn't great).

It really depends on your relationship with them - they come to me for their emotional sounding board etc - whatever has gone well./upset them/made them anxious I am the recipient of their angst or joy! Yes, they have good friends but they don't always want to burden them or talk about their work/grades/friendship issues with them.

InformEducateEntertain · 14/02/2025 08:24

I have x2 dc at different universities (second year) and it is totally dependent on the dc and how much contact they want from me.

Occasionally I will text or send them a funny meme but generally I wait for them to contact me. One speaks a couple of times a week, the other hardly never. I think the one who isn't speaking much is having too much fun and that is fine by me.

rookiemere · 14/02/2025 08:27

DS is first year at uni and hour away. We have a family whatsapp and generally we post on that a few times a week. He rings if there is something important and he is generally back about once a month and for a whole month at Christmas time.

It feels quite odd to DH and I as we both went to uni pre mobile phones so my DPs got a phone call once a week if they were lucky, probably more like once a fortnight, I never came home mid term as it was a full day trip each way.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 14/02/2025 08:33

Oh my.

DD is hoping to head off to uni in September and this thread has really made me wobbly - shes 18 already and has a very full semi-independent life but she loves to give me all the gossip from her college, work and nights out. I can't imagine only speaking to her once a week/fortnight 😪