How to be a thoughtful carless friend?

[Rewis]

I don't have a car. I can drive. I'd love to have one, I just can't justify the cost of running the car at this moment. I sometimes take my parents car, use carshare or rent one. I don't suggest doing things to my friend that I can't get to. However, they (understandably) do. I'm kinda getting the vibe that few of my friends are getting kind of annoyed that we can't take turns driving or that I can't get myself there without help. But they also feel weird about me going to get a car somewhere else when they have one right there or inviting me somewhere knowing that I can't get there and just not say anything about sharing rides. I'm ok with missing out. I've made the decision of not getting a car so I will have to accept the consequences that either I rent one or miss out. I also feel awkward insisting on not taking the ride when we all know it would be an inconvinience.

I know people hate giving rides and people without cars are the worst. But what can I do to be a good passanger princess?

Taxi, buses, offer money if friend do pick you up.
But if you live somewhere where you can't get anywhere without a car that's a problem really

I don't drive so I moved to an area with excellent public transport. I can also get taxis. If I get a lift, I pay towards petrol.

I can't drive due to medical issues and if a friend takes me somewhere then I throw them a contribution for petrol. Its a system that works in our group

I don't drive but I live in London so it's rarely been an issue. But I insist on taking piblic transport everywhere and never accept lifts - I prefer being self-sufficient and don't like the feeling of owing someone a favour. I turn down trips or holidays that would require a car as I hate to be dependant on someone else for transport.

Do you offer petrol money, or do otherwise thoughtful things "I'll pack the snacks" or whatever?

I'll add that I live in a major city with good public transportation within the city. I live in the city center so no problems getting by in my day to day life. It's when they want to go to a cabin or the new walking route or the pumpkin patch in the countryside. Or friends house who moved more rural to get a bigger house. Or when friend drives everywhere and wants to go to the cinema next small town over because it is easier to park instead of the cinema in the city.

This is not an everyday problem.

I've offered petrol money in the past. They've always declined or just accepted if it is a longer trip. I just offer to buy a drink when we are out. Or when I go over to hers I offer to pay for pizza and tell her it's for the rides etc.

I am a thoughtful carless friend! Because I live in London and happy to take a bus or the Tube everywhere. I also walk miles.

I kept a few fivers and tenners in my purse when I was car-less, and when we went out I'd leave one on the dashboard or the cupholder and say, that's for petrol from me. It wasn't offered, it was given. If you do it in the car, then people tend to be happy to accept - also left change for short trips in case required for parking.

Yes I would offer petrol.money or at least a good gift.

In the cases you cite, I get public transport and meet the driver at a convenient place and get a lift. I don't expect them to go out of their way to get me.

Otherwise get to the nearest train station and get a taxi or bus.

We didn't have a car when I was bringing up my son.
We used public transport and it wasn't a problem. We never ever asked for lifts anywhere.
Sometimes my son would go off with other families in their cars to certain events and we sometimes took other children with us on the train or bus to other events - the children generally thought it was a great adventure using public transport because they usually went everywhere in the car.
I must say I don't think your friends are really friends if they resent you not having a car, provided you aren't making assumptions that they are obliged to give you lifts.

I'd feel embarrassed to accept petrol money if i was driving there anyway, but offering to get a coffee run/snacks/lunch and saying 'thanks for driving me' would feel nicer.

Maybe just make a habit of being more generous with the friends who give you lifts (like buying a round/lunch) etc so its like 'I'm happy to drive the carless friend as she is good to me in general' vs 'payback for driving me'

I managed without a car just fine in London for 15 years but it is true that if you drive you are more likely to hit up the pumpkin patch etc

Just get public transport or a taxi and meet them there, surely?

Do you have children? Are they giving you and your kids a lift?

Do you go to them to be collected as opposed to you being collected at your house?

My mum didn't have a car and the collecting her and returning her home was a PITA. She also had no concept of how much time this would add to an outing.

Also - pay for the parking. I agree - if you are making it easy for them (like getting yourself to their house if thats practical) it really isnt that big a deal

In most cases, its not the petrol money that is the issue, its the extra time for lifts or being fixed to a schedule whereas if you have your own car you go on your own timing. I don't mind giving lifts and I also didn't have a car as waste of money when I lived in London, didn't need it

I have a friend who is a very nervous driver so I always drive when we go anywhere, she tends to come to me on the tube so i pick her up from my local station and this works well: plus she is actually a good friend so I don't mind at all

I collected someone 300 miles from home. There were genuine reasons why their original lift home fell through and they were horrified when they priced up a taxi.
They gave me £80 and I think they thought they were being generous after some comments they made. The £80 wouldn't even have covered the petrol for a 600 mile round trip. I think most non-drivers have no idea how much it costs to drive anywhere. £10 barely buys a gallon of fuel now, let alone tolls, parking, etc.
You sound fine but many non-drivers are CF.

It sounds like yet another bunch of people who don’t communicate honestly. You don’t mind hiring a car on the occasions you need to travel by car. They don’t seem to believe you and feel obliged to offer you a lift. That’s on them. For me, it would spoil the fun of going on those trips with them.

I guess all you can do is keep repeating that you don’t need a car 90% of the time, are happy to rent one when the need arises and tell them they shouldn’t give it another thought (as it’s fucking annoying when they do). If they want you to travel in their car and split the costs they only have to ask.

If their cars are insured for other drivers and they enjoy a drink, you could offer to drive them home sometimes. If there's a friend you regularly accept lifts from, maybe they'd like to put you on their insurance (often very cheap) ?

We've never owned a car and would never cross my mind to think like your OP. We don't need or take lifts anywhere because that's why Zipcar/public transport/taxis exist. If we need a car for a weekend away or whatever, we hire one, and with all that we still a lot less money per annum than owning even a shit car would cost. We do live in a city though, so transport links are excellent.

I mentioned lately to a friend that one of my DC had gone by taxi to a party that was bloody miles away/no buses. It was about £30? She was absolutely shocked that I'd spent so much money, yet they run two decent family-sized cars which must cost a fortune every year.

Pay towards petrol, buy a bottle of wine to say thanks. If it's sane person driving, pay for lunch or similar occasionally as a thank you.