Anyone else's kids never get invited to playdates?

[RadStag]

Seriously. It's starting to bother me now!

Since September DD5 has been invited on 1 play date. We've invited 8 kids. Not a single reciprocating invitation. No initial invitations

We know others are having multiple play times.

It's a bit depressing really that it feels like we're always the ones asking.

I’m with you, it’s a play date 🙄

but, i don’t think it counts as one where you can be upset about no return invite. I’ve met families in the park, it wouldn’t occur to me to think, ‘they asked us to the park last time, I better suggest it this time’. Whereas I am more conscious of this with at home play dates where childcare/hospitality is required.

does it matter? Is your daughter bothered? If the kids are coming to yours she’s still having that social experience (though I get that never getting a couple hours to yourself while she’s with someone else is a bit annoying!) Even as an adult, I have certain friends where I almost always go to theirs, and others where they mostly come to me. Just the way it works.

Maybe.

It's just depressing that she's only once been invited.

Is she happy at the school? Lots of friends? Gets invited to parties?

Yes, but sadly it's due to my social awkwardness. I know that and it really bothers me 😏

Yes, but they all get invited to the parties at this age. Bit, I wouldn't know if she wasn't invited to smaller parties that are organised outside of the WhatsApp group, unless a child happened to mention it.

She has around 5 friends that are regularly mentioned and I encourage her to invite "peripheral" friends, to help her extend friendship groups. I have invited all those 5 friends round. She got invited by one of the 5.

I prefer the play grund play dates. They are easy in a life of working parents. And I don't feel parents owe to invite after a meeting at the play ground.

At MN no one seems to want their children to go to other parents' houses before they are 14 yo.

If it's the vibe I understand why OP's kid isnt invited s lot.

It's probably me.

People don't seem to be my mates. Like I will invite people to places/lunch/whatever and they'll generally accept and we have a nice time. But it's like they never invite me anywhere, ever. Same at work z they'll all chat and be friendly at work over lunchtime, but will also be reminiscing about the night out they had together on Friday evening. And I'll be a bit confused and then realise what's happened.

So i feel a bit overlooked really.

Did you go with your child to the playdate she was invited to @RadStag ?

It's not unusual for people to only have play dates with others they know well, the group of friends your child mentions, did they go through nursery or toddler groups together? Live near each other?

Their parents might also have other friends in common and spend more time together in general where it seems you don't socialise with anyone.

I'd try again with the 5 people she likes. Also provide extra delicious snacks for both parent and child visitor.

It shows you've gone to some trouble.

okay - will do

My eldest is definitely not popular. She doesn't get invited to playdates (unless the parents are my friends), and she's of the age where the kids mostly go solo so not a case of parents just not wanting me there. Now that class parties have stopped she doesn't get any invites for those either. There are only 2 kids who will invite her to a small party. We continue to invite kids regardless (who always seem to have a good time) and likewise kids will always attend her parties, so she doesn't feel too isolated. At the end of the day, we can only control the invites we extend. I worry a bit about secondary school, but I do think that with a bigger mix of kids she will find her tribe. I did.

Did they go back for tea at your house, or just dropped off and picked up at the park? Dropped off and picked up, maybe some mums stayed, to me is a let's meet up at the park have a chat and the kids can play together. If they go back for tea it's more you doing a social thing for the kids. A bit of a grey area really. If you are paying for an activity definitely a play date.

Are you OK with your child not being invited back? My DC had a friend at school who's parents never invited him back. Early secondary school age.

I wasn't sure of the reason but possibly religious?

My DC really liked this friend and we made a decision that if the friend was willing (allowed) to come to ours then he'd keep inviting them.

He's still friends with them over 10 years later.

You could frame it as a childcare favour. I’ve done that. “Hi so sorry to ask but insert emergency here is there any chance you could please have Poppy back to yours on Thursday and I will be there by 5.30 to pick up”
They will probably say yes and that may kick start a relationship because then you can say oh thanks so much let me know any time I can return the favour etc.

Is it can be.
As can without the parents

I wouldn't be happy if parents played that one on me. If you really are in trouble I will change plans to help you out. But if I realised it was for forcing a play date I would be out in future.

Well you wouldn’t realise.

Most children would be happy to blur out or another parent tells you they met you in Asda. But of course go ahead playing parents to help you out in a no need situation if you like.

Is it a class where lots of kids and parents already knew each other? For example do they have older siblings the same age or did they go to nursery together?

If so then this would explain a lot - at this age it is SO much easier to have a child over where you already know them, you know the two kids get on fine, and you already know the parent. So they may just invite those “already known” kids as a default. I have been guilty of this myself.

I agree and have found similar in the past.
When someone invites one of mine round for a play date, i always think 'we will have to invite round ours next time/ return the favour at some point' unless of course my child really didn't want them to. But the not wanting to hasn't happened yet.
I thought that would be a sort of unwritten play date rule? But reading the responses here maybe I have thought wrong although it seems the nicest thing to do to me!

My child doesn't get invited to any but we don't invite any kids ourselves. Playdates don't seem to be a thing at his school and it's great.

My daughter is 10.5 and has had 4 playdates she has been invited to since reception. Two group ones, one in Y2 and one last summer. none repeated. we invited loads of kids over the years and had about 50% success rate including one that has done loads of sleepovers here but is now not part of DDs friendship group so these seem to have stopped.

I have now officially given up. DD has friends and is happy but since she got a mobile for xmas she can arrange her own.

OP, you are overthinking this. My kids have barely been on any play dates but they have friends and are happy at school. Don't stress about something that doesn't need to be stressed over.

Don’t be sneaky like this
If their child wanted the OP’s child over and it was convenient for the parent… then they’d have invited the OP child’s over.

Why force the issue. Very odd

It is sad you think that
but also insightful of you and a good start
can you think of any reason why? Has it always been like this? That you have struggled to build relationships?