If you live separately to partner...

[Oldromance]

How often do you see him and how do you arrange financial stuff?

I was very happily single but have fallen into a relationship that makes me happy. (Developed from a friendship).

I will never live with man or combine finances again, he knows and accepts that.

However, we are together almost every day and he stays most weekends. This is my preference tbh, I'd hate to spend so much time as a guest in someone else's house, but he seems comfortable with it.

It's starting to bug me that I'm paying for everything house related. We split everything 50/50 when we're out or away, but naturally at my house I'm paying for bread and milk, teabags etc and obviously heating and other bills. I quite often cook, which I enjoy and I'll shop for that but if we have a takeaway he'll pay. If I cook he'll sometimes bring wine or dessert. He likes a biscuit with a cuppa and I don't buy them so he brings those 🤣

I'm bothered by it, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm wary of allowing myself to be taken advantage of or if there actually is a problem iyswim. I don't want or need a man who pays for me but otoh want things to be "right"

Fwiw I'm probably quite a bit better off than him.

You are better off than him, but resent him using your teabags ?

I mean, the 'fair' way would obviously to stay at his one weekend, and yours the next, but you say However, we are together almost every day and he stays most weekends. This is my preference tbh, I'd hate to spend so much time as a guest in someone else's house, but he seems comfortable with it. so I'm not sure quite what you are after. You say he is buying the expensive stuff (eg takeaways), and you say you don't want to regularly spend time at his.

You sound controlling and miserly.

Christ alive I think I'd run a mile if I had a boyfriend who expected me to put money in a pot for bread, milk and teabags 😱

And as for putting money towards your gas and electric because he's spending the weekend with you?

I really don't think you should be dating at all.

So, breaking it down, it seems like the cost of groceries + effort cooking probably equals the takeaways. Weekends away or out are already 50:50.

From your OP you also pay tea bags, milk, sugar, bread, slightly extra hot water and electricity costs at your home. Presumably extra laundry and wear-and-tear of sheets and towels. He contributed occasional wine, dessert and biscuits (for him only). From this description, he sounds appreciative of the need to contribute and not taking excessive advantage.

However it is your preference to be at your own home, rather than his.

To be honest, it sounds like the extra costs you incur are fairly minimal, and I’d be willing to absorb them knowing I was benefiting from staying in my house and not having to pack a bag, toiletries, phone charger etc etc every second weekend to stay elsewhere (I like my own home too).

So in your set up, I would not ask for money. I’d probably formalise the cooking vs takeaway - eg every Friday night he picks up takeaway, but Sat night or Sun I cook or we go out/away. If you were really bothered I suppose you could ask him to pick up some bread, milk and teabags on his way home once a month, but, as I said above, I think the small cost of this vs the convenience you get in staying home is equal.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't begrudge anyone a teabag/ tsp coffee and milk in my home, let alone a guy I'm dating?
If you look into anything deep enough, you'll find a problem
He pays for takeaways so he's not tight by nature.
You could text and ask him to grab stuff you need on the way to yours or ask to take it turns at the weekend.
Don't sweat the small stuff is a phrase I live by

Your post is so contradictory. What else exactly do you expect him to pay for.....council tax as he's using your bin to put his biscuit (that he paid for) wrapper in ?
Stop being so tight before he gets wise to you and moves on to someone who doesn't worry about stuff that just does not matter.

(see the irony! 🤦🏻‍♀️)

This has got to be a wind up 🤣

I'm with all the PPs!

He’s using fuel to visit you so unless you want to start giving him petrol money youll have to suck up the tea bags! It sounds like he brings the extras such as wine ans desserts as his contribution and you don’t want to atay at his often, so i think you have a fair deal.

We split everything 50/50 when we're out or away, but naturally at my house I'm paying for bread and milk, teabags etc and obviously heating and other bills. I quite often cook, which I enjoy and I'll shop for that but if we have a takeaway he'll pay. If I cook he'll sometimes bring wine or dessert. He likes a biscuit with a cuppa and I don't buy them so he brings those 🤣

That all seems normal to me. How it would be if anyone was visiting frequently. Maybe he could bring bread, milk, tea once in a while but other than that you aren’t out of pocket. You’d have the heating on whether he was there or not. Other than him taking a shower, how is he increasing your bills?

I appreciate someone contributing to a meal with wine or dessert but I would actually be a bit alarmed if a BF started turning up with groceries. It would feel like they were pushing a feet under the table domestic situation.

Do you think it might be the frequency of having an overnight guest (even though he is your BF) that’s annoying you? All weekend, every weekend is a lot. Even married couples often have at least a few hours apart at the weekend. Not saying you don’t know your own mind, sometimes I focus on a side issue when the main issue is complicated. Maybe you are too