How often do you argue with your DP and how do you reconcile

[Helterskelteroo]

Just had a horrible weekend where I basically vented out on to DH. Whenever this happens, he stops talking to me which I get and I avoid him and let him be. But this can go on for weeks. He also withdraws even more from the kids. I'm not sure they notice tbh as he's not very involved with them at all.

I asked him if he wanted to talk and he just said what about even though it's obvious. It was clear he was still sulking / mad so I left the room. As I was leaving he told me not to mention a certain thing I brought up as it was disgraceful etc and next time "you won't like it" whatever that was meant to mean.

Usually what happens, I'll say sorry ( even though it's not my fault) and he'll be okay. We won't talk about it and just carry on like it never happened. This isn't me. I like to talk things through, clear the air, resolve issues but he just ignores me. I'll talk, he'll listen and then nothing.

It sounds like he threatened you and his behaviour is escalating. The silent treatment is abusive. Look up the cycle of abuse, it might resonate.

He's not going to change and seems completely disengaged from family life. You tiptoe around him and play into his power trip by always apologising.

I would contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and have a chat about your relationship. You can also speak to Refuge via webchat.

Whenever this happens, he stops talking to me which I get and I avoid him and let him be
which I get? Why do you accept this treatment?
I would say he sounds like a child but I wouldn’t accept that behaviour from a child and definitely not my DH.

Don't argue a lot and my dh isn't the greatest communicator, but when we do have disagreements we might be moody with each other for a short period, but we still speak to each other and when we feel in a calm place we'll chat through it and usually try and see each other's perspective and move past it with a hug or an apology (depending on what's happened). It's not a dragged out thing though. We don't like the frosty air between us so usually make moves to resolve stuff within a fairly short time period. I probably initiate communication more but dh will respond to me initiating things.

Giving the silent treatment is abusive behaviour and your dh is essentially punishing you for voicing any displeasure at him. He makes things so unpleasant that you yourself said you end up apologising even if it's not your 'fault'. His tactic works for him and so he will likely keep on doing it. Nothing ever gets resolved this way though and I imagine your resentment builds as you feel forced to apologise, while he takes zero accountability.

If it's a big argument I usually give us both a bit time if time to calm down and one of us will usually go the other and apologise. It sounds more idyllic than it is and dh can be stubborn and then I have to do the apologising and he'll grunt a me too apology and take a while to defrost.
I'm the sort that cant leave things to fester and am better at communicating though. I can't bear a sulker. It's immature and an avoidance tactic. It's also quite controlling.

Sorry, I don't get it. I've never really seen silence as controlling or abusive. Isn't it just a " I am too mad to talk to you right now". I feel I calm down alot quicker than him. He just takes ages. I do find it frustrating that it takes forever as he is sooo hard work during this time. If I call him, hell answer the phone but won't even say hello. It's just silent till I say hello, can you pick up some milk on the way home or whatever and then just ends the call.

I agree with the part about being silent to calm down. The difference is silence can be controlling if it goes on for days imo as it doesn't allow the other person to speak by putting up a wall. This is esp is the other person feels that they have to avoid them. It's controlling the other person's actions.

Sulking and withdrawing from the kids is immature and controlling. He's using them as a way to demonstrate his feelings instead of facing the problem and communicating like an adult.
Hope you sort it out soon. If it's still ongoing it's probably miserable for you all right now.💐

There’s being quiet to get over the argument & then there’s giving you the silent treatment for days! That’s abusive OP. DH sometimes withdraws when we argue (which is a lot less than in the past thank goodness) but it’s rarely for very long & he will apologise when he’s upset me. I find it hard to give him space because I just want to hash it all out & analyse what happened but things get back to normal quicker if I manage to leave him be. I really couldn’t be doing with sulking! And you shouldn’t feel that you have to apologise if it’s not your fault.

The silent treatment is controlling and abusive.

I also can't abide sulkers-- it's pathetic.

You see I wouldn’t change who I am, who I’ve always been, with H.

If he said to me don’t mention that disgraceful thing “you won’t like it” that would be red rag to a bull, it’s a threat, so come on then big man what wouldn’t I like? And we would have that out there and then.

But I am not and do not ever have a reason to feel scared or even apprehensive of H.

He wouldn’t, but if he tried the silent treatment, I don’t mean a cooling off period, but the silent treatment would act like he wasn’t there until he snapped out of it.

No food, no laundry, no tea or coffee, no invites or telling him what’s going on. In fact our teens would tell him he was being a prick.

You sound cautious, at the very least, of his reactions. That’s not a healthy, loving or even desirable relationship. Although unfortunately it seems quite common because women don’t leave they put up with it.

Also remember your children are learning and watching you, daughters will learn to let men get their way, don’t upset them, sons will learn to shout, sulk and threaten, and so the cycle continues.

That's abusive.

There's a massive difference between needing an hour or so to calm down after a row, and refusing to speak to your partner for hours or even days.

What does ‘vented out on DH’ actually mean? Neither of you sound great here tbh.

Maybe going a bit quiet for a couple of hours after an argument isn't abusive but you said it goes on for weeks. That's definitely abuse. You can't tell me he's still deeply upset several weeks after a minor row? If he is, he probably needs psychiatric help because that's not normal.
Hes not allowing certain subjects to be discussed and is even threatening you not to bring them up in the future. That's extremely controlling.
I can discuss anything with DH and he's never once gone silent on me.

It's abusive because he's doing it to punish you and stop you from challenging him. You apologise, even though it's not your fault and he gets his own way. He's won. He also withdraws from the children.

Abuse is about power and control. The silent treatment is about having power and control over your partner.

A non abusive person admits when they're wrong and apologises to you. They compromise and try to see things from your point of view and incorporate your needs.

Someone who respects you and loves you doesn't ignore you for weeks until you beg for them to speak to you.

You'd really benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.

There’s a huge difference between stepping away from an argument to calm down, and ruminating on the argument while punishing your partner with silence. Or using it to shut down communication.

Have a look at the Gottman’s 4 horsemen - stonewalling is very bad for relationships. If the silent treatment is intended as punishment, that indicates contempt which is very hard to come back from.

Argument is a learned skill and it’s worth learning because relying on the patterns we saw modelled to us in childhood can be disastrous.

Dh and I rarely argue. Honestly, can’t even remember the last time. Years ago. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He sounds awful. Emotionally abusive and a big whiny baby. No one should have to put up with that.

This sounds very unhealthy and childish on his part.

My husband and I have the odd squabble and either resolve it immediately or take 20 minutes to cool off before making up. Days of sulking is ridiculous.

DH and rarely argue - neither of us like it and find it upsetting. I hate to admit it that on the rare occasions we do argue, it's usually if we've been up the pub and one of us says something that the other takes issue with and then it escalates. It's invariably just a spat, vicious but over in five minutes and rapidly forgotten. Neither of us are sulkers. I might go a bit quiet, but not for very long. We let the dust settle and then talk about it.

@Headpainempathy yes it is still ongoing since Friday night. We've barely spoken a few words and it's all initiated by me. I'm exhausted mentally but feel better today as I went into work and had a laugh with my colleagues which perked me up.

It means that I am exhausted and I am fed up of asking him for help and to pull his weight. I have developed a chronic health condition which means I don't have the same energy that I used to have and I can't do everything like I used to do. Its impacted my life massively and DH has just carried on as normally and not tried to fill in the gaps that are appearing where I can't manage. I am fed up of asking for the same help and getting nowhere. He listens, says nothing and carries on as normal. That is what I vented at him about.

OP please think about the effect of this hostile and toxic environment on your children. It's so very damaging to them. You say they hardly notice but they are witness to a relationship that is lacking in respect, love, kindness, empathy, teamwork, affection etc. it's such an unhealthy blueprint for them to grow up thinking is normal.

Could someone please give this poor OP some constructive advice on how to deal with an abusive, controlling, punitive and sulking partner?
Even Lundy B describes the problem but never proposes any practical , workable solution, besides ltb obviously.

My advice is to break the cycle. Refuse to see the wall he's built. If he's not talking then he can still listen. Tell him how his behaviour is affecting you and the dcs. Tell him how miserable it's making you all feel.

Once you've got through and things are back to normal try having a chat about how you're going to deal with future disagreements in as a couple and explain that the current system is not working and doesn't resolve anything. Try to do it in a non blaming way but more of a what do you suggest way because you'll just get his back up and get nowhere.

I hope that helps and things improve. Nothing more unattractive than a sulking adult though.

@Headpainempathy But what to do if he refuses to listen? Mine just backs away, leaves the room, shuts down , even if I ask him to stay and listen. He will go completely silent with a hostile look on his face. And this is from a highly competent professional who is capable in other very difficult circumstances. He is only conflict avoidant with me. It is as if he has an EQ of 2 years old.

I would just wait until they appear again and ask again. Maybe even put my arm around them and speak calmly but on a level in an unthreatening way? I wouldn't leave it.
It's either try or reconsider the relationship tbh. That's just my opinion. I know that I couldn't continue living with behaviour if it continues and you've tried everything. Been there, done it and left even though it broke my heart to do so and I loved the person deeply when they weren't like this. It worked for a while but it was too draining eventually. Like dealing with a child that never grows up.
A friend of smashed a pile of plates on the floor in reaction to her dh and his sulking. Whilst I wouldn't recommend doing that it actually worked for them. He was so shocked that he didn't do it again.