How to stop seeking worth from how men see me?

[mintirn]

I sometimes struggle a bit with low self worth and I find myself seeking external validation. To be clear I am not flirting with and acting up to men but I do notice if they notice me or respond to me in a certain way and I hate that about myself.

I do like to look nice and take care of myself but I want to do that for myself. I hate when I am at the gym working out and using the thought of my results and looking good and then the thought of this or that or any man approving of my appearance pops into my mind.

I feel like I can't really see myself directly but am always looking at myself through the eyes of "men" and society and I want to just see myself though my own eyes. I fee like there is a kind of rogue programme in my mind which prevents me from having a proper relationship with myself and I want to erase it to stop seeing myself as worthy or unworthy in terms of what a man would think of me.

However I do like to be fit, to work out, to wear nice clothes, to look after my skin ( I don't really wear make up, do lashes or nails etc) and yet how do I know I'm not just doing that all to look nice for men because society tells me that's my main point of worth?

You sound like you have low self esteem. Was your mother similar? Did she instill in you the need to look for external validation? My mother was like this - appearances were very important to her. She saw her children’s attractiveness as one of her crowning achievements. Our worth was measured in how many people complimented her about herself and us, how lovely we were, how polite and well dressed, and even now in my 50’s she’ll comment on my weight, hair, makeup clothing etc. and in spite of myself I make a bit of an effort before I go to see her just to shut her up.

@MayaPinion My mum has a large birthmark that covered her face and was always very self conscious about her appearance but took a lot of pride in looking smart and groomed. When I was a teen she was quite controlling about what I wore and i think she was sometimes upset that I didn't let her dress me exactly how she liked. I had a more alternative style then and she used to accuse me of wanting to be ugly. At the same time I am not sure she herself based her value in how men saw her.

I don’t think there is anything intrinsically negative with caring about your appearance/image.

The older I get, the more I can view life as a bit of a game, in which people are playing to different rules/end results.

Just because it’s not a choice other people have made, it doesn’t make it wrong. The reality is, we currently live in a patriarchy, and if you can ‘game’ that to your advantage, then why not?

Wear what you want, look after yourself well and do it for you. Just take pleasure in being you.