When not to apologise

[HowamImiddleaged]

I feel I owe someone an apology. I am genuinely sorry and want to express that but I'm not sure it will be appreciated.

I'm genuinely sorry for upsetting them, very unintentional, I underestimated how they felt about something, they kept professing the opposite. Now they are very annoyed with me.

When is it better not to apologise? I almost feel I'm being selfish contacting them to apologise. Am I just making myself feel better?

From someone whose friend refused to say the words 'I'm sorry' causing irreplaceable harm to our friendship, just say it.

Just say sorry with no expectations of immediate repair of the relationship, no minimisation, and no lengthy explanations. Not "sorry I did this but here's why I did it" or "sorry you took it that way" or "sorry but it wasn't intentional ". Just a genuine, simple acknowledgement of their hurt and apology for your actions "I understand why you're hurt and I'm truly really sorry for what I said/did." then leave it at that.

Unless they've expressly told you never to contact them again, in which case leave it.

I texted a month ago to ask could we meet up to talk and no response.

I was thinking of emailing them and just giving a sincere apology, no big excuses and leaving it at that. Or would a written note be better?

This exactly - probably should have been your text a month ago - your friend may have taken your asking to meet up as you wanting to continue to debate / discussion, hence no reply.