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Original poster

How to handle this situation with idiot ex partner?

22 replies

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 14:39

Didn't want to post in aibu but my ex is being a dick.
DD has a dance showcase on her contact weekend with him. I asked him kindly to bring her and gave him details and ticket information to buy himself one.

He's now royally kicked off because I've been asked to parent help as I have a full children's and adults DBS. Essentially is telling me I'm not allowed to be back stage with DD as it's his contact time.

I am one of very few parents of kids in the class who has a full dbs and was approached by the class teacher to help.

I need to tread carefully however as DDs dad is a monumentally dick and has purposely prevented her from going to parties, events and shows. She'd be heartbroken to miss out on the show after months of rehearsals.

Should I decline parent helping for DDs sake but also know her dad will know he can just bully me and I'll back down every time.

He is high conflict and I left him because he was abusive.

OP posts:

newrubylane · 10/02/2025 14:42

Could you swap a contact day?

Largestlegocollectionever · 10/02/2025 14:43

I’d grey rock him about it beforehand and not speak to him about it - just tell him it’s none of his business, and just be there, he shouldn’t even know you’re going to help.
If he chooses to cancel, then that’s something you may have to go to court about, if he’s punishing your child.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 10/02/2025 14:44

As NewRubyLane posted, see if you can swap days. Or as LargestLego just help behind the scenes and hope your DD doesn't mention it to him. He can't come backstage so he won't see you. There is no point trying to reason with an unreasonable person.

Onlyonekenobe · 10/02/2025 14:44

I don't have experience with a dickhead ex, but I'd take the same approach as with any bully who's holding a loved-one hostage: make him feel (or think, whichever you think is most likely to appeal) that he's getting his way while getting your own way.

What you really want is to help out backstage. You already knew you wouldn't be in the audience. So, I would tell him that you won't appear front of stage or in the entrance, that your arrival/departure time is well before DD arrives and well after she leaves, and tell him that your focus backstage is on something other than DD. She may see you, she may not, but in any event you'll be so busy you won't have a chance to stop and chat. Flatter him by asking him to take photos while she's on stage to send to you and your family, ask him if he can take her out afterwards - all the things he'd do anyway but coming by request from you. Would that work?

Tiswa · 10/02/2025 14:45

What are the age range - can you ask to be out with a different age category to yiur child (if they are kept separately)

frozendaisy · 10/02/2025 14:46

Can you tell the dance crew the truth?
that it’s likely this time to end up you helping whilst your D won’t be there because her father is petty prick
reaffirm you will happily always help on weekends that aren’t his but at this moment in time this is where we are

Original poster

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 14:47

We have zero communication outside of a parenting app so I don't ask him to do anything. I think DD may have let slip I was helping which isn't her fault I'm not in the habit of asking her to keep things from him. I might just feign that I'm not helping and just do it on the day and by that point it's too late for him to kick off.
He wouldn't swap a contact weekend to appease me or for DD. He's just not like that. He'd rather she missed out.

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 10/02/2025 14:47

How old is DD?
is she old enough to be told the truth about the prick?

Original poster

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 14:51

DD is 6, nearly 7. Its likely I'll be helping her group as well as the toddler group.

I'm stuck what to do simply because me telling him to go fuck himself will result in him purposely not taking DD to the show. He'll break her heart to get one over on me.

Its a proper show with outfits, professional photos, makeup, hair.. she's so excited about it.

OP posts:

KnickerFolder · 10/02/2025 14:55

Will he 100% be sure to take her, if you agree not to help out? I would do that for your DD’s sake (and tell her teacher why) if there is no chance that he will pull her out anyway.

Is the contact court ordered? If it isn’t and there is any chance he might not take her, I would just change the contact dates on the grounds that his refusal to take her if you help out backstage is unfair on your DD and controlling and the fact that he has threatened it means you can’t trust him to take her and he clearly doesn’t have your DD’s best interests at heart.

Adamante · 10/02/2025 14:57

Its a proper show with outfits, professional photos, makeup, hair.. she's so excited about it.

I would back out on this occasion. I wouldn't risk her being let down as this sounds like A Very Big Deal to her. I'd probably give an edited explanation to the person who asked you and ask if there's anything else you can do that isn't directly backstage.

Yayforyou · 10/02/2025 14:58

Just tell him you’re helping the toddler group & if on the day he question it, say they were short of people so had to expand your mindees. It’ll be too late after the event, You shouldn’t have to lie, but for the sake of your dd, it’s probably for the greater good on this occasion.

Tiswa · 10/02/2025 14:59

ask if you can go with and stay with the toddler group and tell him that - any crossover then will be just one of those things

Original poster

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 15:03

Adamante · 10/02/2025 14:57

Its a proper show with outfits, professional photos, makeup, hair.. she's so excited about it.

This is what I feel I should do simply for DDs sake. I can't risk it. He's a controlling narcissist. It's the thought of her working so hard then it being ripped away from her I can't deal with happening.

OP posts:

Adamante · 10/02/2025 15:06

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 15:03

Show quote history

I’m so sorry he’s such a selfish cunt. Poor you and your poor dd. My children’s father was similar and it never really stopped till my youngest turned 18. Your dd will see that you always put her first and he didn’t. My children certainly do.

Tiswa · 10/02/2025 15:06

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 15:03

Show quote history

You can’t keep protecting from that. I think say to him you will be helping the toddlers group and there in a professional capacity and have limited interaction with your DD (which may well be the truth) and leave it there anything beyond that is him and you cannot protect her from that. She will know

Original poster

MascalPascal · 10/02/2025 16:10

It's so hard to know what to do. DD adores all things dance and drama so I think I need to continue to put her first and not do anything to jeopardise her opportunities. We are due back to court in the summer so I will ask my barrister to ensure it's factored into the order that he has to make her available for shows that fall on her contact weekends with him. That's the only way he'll comply.

OP posts:

Sunat45degrees · 10/02/2025 16:14

So did he try to prevent you from buying a ticket to watch the event?

I honestly am not sure what you do. I think you could just go anyway and tell him you aren't, but that will likely backfire when he finds out and you and dd get punished after.

I would be inclined to tell him that you're not going to be "parenting" dd but helping with the other children and that without your help the school will really struggle as they don't have enough DBS checked parents. YOu could also tell him you'll be in the group for b igger/smaller kids to help keep things calm as the school tries to make it so that parents aren't with their children's groups to prevent any of the children feeling left out?

LazyArsedMagician · 10/02/2025 16:28

Can you tell him you're not doing it and then do it anyway? Don't tell your daughter either.

Mix56 · 10/02/2025 16:35

Will he really not take her ?
Tell him as you cant go you'll explain ti the teacher & he'll have to go & help all the little 6 year olds get ready as that's what you've been asked to do

Teamcullen23 · 10/02/2025 16:40

But you're not there to have contact with your child, you're there to help out a group of kids as a parent at an event. How can he be annoyed about that?

I suppose when you're dealing with men as spiteful and petty as him there is never really any proper reasoning to be had. It's so sad that he would spoil such a big occasion for your daughter because what, her mum happens to be there too?

How is he going to react when it's her birthday party, dance recital, graduation, wedding? The quicker he realises he is damaging his child by being this way the better.

FoxtonFoxton · 10/02/2025 16:41

I'd not tell him and do it. It's absolutely none of his business what you do in your spare time. You are helping out a group, not taking away his time with DD. I highly doubt you'll get much time with her anyway knowing what these shows are like. You'll be really busy. He's unlikely to spot you during the show I'd imagine if you are backstage and once the show is over and he takes DD back to his, it's done. He's trying to get one over on you clearly, just to be a twat. He doesn't really care, he just cares about making your life awkward.

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